deja vu

Things are becoming awkward with Jessica and i hate it cause even though she says she will never leave i dunno if i can believe it cause its already happened before. I dont want the same thing with Taiesha to happen again and i dont want to lose Jessica!! I wasnt talking to her properly and texting her properly because i was disappointed with her. She cancelled again and well it really hurt. It felt like she didnt even want to really hang with me. First Gina dogged me then she cancelled and we rescheduled but got cancelled again. This holidays started on a bad note guess its gonna end on a bad note too. Really feels like the world hates me. My sister said im an awkward person and i knowi am but what the fuck am i supposed to do about it! When i have friends i am always loyal to them! I hate to lieto people close to me, so if i tell a lie then ruins my life! I wad raised as the last child, 16 years apart from my other sisters, of course i feel fucking awkward!! It didnt feel great as a kid being the youngest always gettig shit!! Even at school i was the runt of the group all i ever did was sit there and listen to them talk, i never ever intervened! I just wanted friends and to fit in back then! I really wanna just give on life! Or at least this life! Ijust wanna die haha, not the first time heard that right haha I dont wanna not have Jessica in my life anymore! She has been the most amazing person in my life! Someone to rely on and someone i could ALWAYS talk to!! What am i gonna do with my life.