So Saturday night and well im left alone again without my bestfriend, my friends or the guy whom I thought was into me. Because it seems no guy has ever been into me and my friends I always drive them away from me. Right now im lostas who I am and what to do because no one has ever truely loved me.

left alone...

The last few nights I have talked to someone who makes me feel special and well was starting to feel as if I was able to lean on that person and rely on that person. Because I know me I knew from the beginning I would get attached too quickly, after all it has been a couple of nights and tonight I feel alone. This person didn't really reply today, yes I don't know what is happening in their life right now or what they are thinking but it would be nice to be given an explanation as to why there is no reply. I see them go online when I go off and when I go on they go off, I can't help feel insecure, as if I have done something wrong. Because tonight once again I felt alone, felt left all alone again...

Pets

There are times in our lives where we go through losses... losses of family , close friends, and like me right now the question of putting down a pet. I find this one of the hardest because you cant speak to them and ask them what they want but when you look into their eyes you can see the pain they are in. My whole life I've lived with dogs, from the moment I was born I had a dog, I wasnt a whiny kid asking for a dog because I already had one. The question or idea of losing one kills me, I've lost a dog before and honestly I'll never forget her! But the idea of losing another one is beginning to slowly rip me apart, afterall I've lived with them my whole life!! The idea of losing someone or something close to you in your life is like losing your left arm, it slowly rips off and rips you apart not knowing what to do any more! I've spent my morning bursting into tears thinking of the possibilities after today, the fact that I might never see her again makes me want to explode, I dont know what to think or do now.

Pressure

Pressure is something that comes with the word hsc or exams. I am not sure if everyone feels this way but the pressure of an exam and its result weighs solely on your abilities. So im not worried about what others think but I feel the worrying or the stress solely comes from the fact that the results judge your ability to study and to do well in exams. But yes these exams dont judge your life or anything but they do tell you your ability and well this scares me. Coming face to face with my brain, is how I like to think of it. Im not really smart, im not a logical person, I like to think of things like emotions and things outside of the box. But these exams will tell me if I have the ability to study and do well or be consistent in uni, if ill be able to cope with whats to come. Yes hsc doesnt judge your life, yes im young and I can make mistakes because I have a lifetime ahead of me. But doesnt mean this exam isnt important, especially to me. Though others have told me to not worry as it doesnt pick my career or my future life for me, its still important! This is probably because im young, young foolish. Because these things can be forgotten quicker than it happened. But to me right now they seem important, probably like any other kid. To us this is like the exam into the real world, and what we decide on the other side is our ticket to happiness. We know no better, because we are young and we have been spoon fed this information, of universities and the prestige of going to uni. We dont know of anything else.But yes this is what I believe to be pressurre, because you cant feel it without it being planted into your head with you believing it at a young age! But this hsc and these exams are planted into our heads that, this is whatwwill decide your future and your ticket to the real world, this exam is purely to test your abilities,if you will survive or not!

What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I dunno...

deja vu

Things are becoming awkward with Jessica and i hate it cause even though she says she will never leave i dunno if i can believe it cause its already happened before. I dont want the same thing with Taiesha to happen again and i dont want to lose Jessica!! I wasnt talking to her properly and texting her properly because i was disappointed with her. She cancelled again and well it really hurt. It felt like she didnt even want to really hang with me. First Gina dogged me then she cancelled and we rescheduled but got cancelled again. This holidays started on a bad note guess its gonna end on a bad note too. Really feels like the world hates me. My sister said im an awkward person and i knowi am but what the fuck am i supposed to do about it! When i have friends i am always loyal to them! I hate to lieto people close to me, so if i tell a lie then ruins my life! I wad raised as the last child, 16 years apart from my other sisters, of course i feel fucking awkward!! It didnt feel great as a kid being the youngest always gettig shit!! Even at school i was the runt of the group all i ever did was sit there and listen to them talk, i never ever intervened! I just wanted friends and to fit in back then! I really wanna just give on life! Or at least this life! Ijust wanna die haha, not the first time heard that right haha I dont wanna not have Jessica in my life anymore! She has been the most amazing person in my life! Someone to rely on and someone i could ALWAYS talk to!! What am i gonna do with my life.

I dunno

I have drinking tonight! Jessica went out drinking so I thought I should join her hahaha but Im kinda dead not drunk but dead hahaha I feel cool hahaha I miss nikola and I wanna know what people are doing cause my life is sooooooo boring im tired and dead and I miss everyone I feel like im left out. I am not sure what I actually feel cause im just depressed these days instead of happy wtf?? probably because I haven't gone out in sooooo long hahahahahaha im tired and diizzzyyyyy hahah I just want someone to cuddle and be happy with I feel like life is over. Jessica is having so much fun with all the boys and girls and other friends. she is socializing a lot and it is sadto call me a girl a single girl more like despirato goooriiillll hahahabbjdaadkwa I deadddd helpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp hahahaha im so lonely hahha I haven't gone out of this house in 3 weeks hahaha im losing my mind staying in here haha I feel lonely and sad and I want to run away to somewhere where I can actually be meeeee hahaha well that's it gues hhaha have fun tonight hehe