What ive learnt from 2013

What i have learnt in the past year is that i need to take things into my own matters and grow up! I need to move on and move forward. I just have to do things instead of overthinking them! I need to be more organised.

What i have mostly known is that i dont need a man to keep me going in life cause i can stand on my own two feet. Sure if the right guy comes around ill go for it but thats just me, when i like someone i really like them. But I now know how to stand on my own two feet and walk on my own! But i know im not alone, i have a fantastic family and heaps of friends who love and support me! This year has honestly tough and the most emotional one i have ever had but i know there are more bumps in the road to come and that they will get harder but im not afraid cause im just gonna tackle it straight on!

Nikola? Well i honestly aint really caring atm but i do think about him sometimes which is normal! But i dont need him in my life  cause i can stand on my own! Boys i dont need them but ill take up the offer if it came around haha

Jessica, my best friend and honestly the best support this year! I have learnt so much from her and gotten so close to her :) but i never thought i would get that close to someone! Like honestly we fart in front of each other  haha But once we got so close i kinda didnt want to let go. I dont want to lose her friendship so we ended up texting everyday but i know now that i dont need to text her everyday! That she needs her space sometimes and i cant rely on her! I need to move on and be me for a while, like on my own :) And she also has a blog and she says she wants to delete it and im ok with that! If she wants to tell me stuff she can cause she knows im always right here for her. I have realised knowing everything about each other and talking everyday is like a couple which are clinging to each other but when they meet half the time have nothing to talk about.

And i dont want my relationship to seem like im clinging or a weirdo (thats the way i see myself haha). Its ok to text each other sometimes but no need to text everyday :) Plus i dont wanna be a bother haha

This is have developed a stronger relationship with my sisters and i have ended the year on good terms with my sisters and parents! To be honest when i went on a trip to the blue mountains with my cousins i learnt alot and thought alot and i reckon just grew alot as a person! Im starting 2014 with a new attitude but im not sure its the right one yet but ya know :) Im hoping 2014 will stay as it is going right now but only thing to work harder at my schoolwork haha

Anyway Happy New Year readers :) and may your 2014 be filled with funfilled, happy and  cheerful memories and may be grow from the bad ones :D

Guilt, pain, faults

I cant stop thinking about what i did to my sister! I feel hopeless but i ask myself this question so many times today. Why did god choose to put me into this family and into this body, into this school and into this lifetime! I dont accomplish anything! I did so shit in all my exams and assignments why does god choose to punish me like that! I didnt choose to be born into this family or into this life! I no longer want to be the youngest, to have sisters twice my age to feel so sick to my stomach about the results i get in my exams, the disappointment and burden i am to my family, especially my parents!! I dont want this anymore!! I didnt ask for this!! Why the fuck did god choose to punish people like this! What did i do! and the thing is i know its all my fault!

I'm lost...

Who do I want to be? This question is hard because no matter how hard I think I just can't seem to figure it out. Everyone tells me to be myself and be who I want to be but I'm not exactly sure. But giving it some thought I realise who I want to be: I want to be the type of girl who knows what she wants and will strive to get it. To the most important people to her, they know that they can count on her. A girl who has mistakes and learns from them. A girl who can easily forgive all. I want to be the type of girl who can be happy with who she is. To feel like she isn't a burden and enjoy her life. To know that she has a connection with those who mean the most to her. For them to know who she really is. Someone who can take risks when needed I want to be the girl who has courage and can believe in herself when needed. I want to be the girl who is happy with who she is and… She knows that she doesn’t need anyone to lean on to be herself. I'm not any of this right now, at all! I really want to be but I'm too confused and lost as to who I want to be. Being me isn't something I would call easy, it is actually very hard. I know I haven't made enough mistakes and enough issues to know who I am. To be honest I don’t like to go out and try new things, I'm not that girl because I'm too scared of what others think and of what I think of myself. To me I am a worthless piece of shit who sometimes has occasional times where she feels at ease. I honestly don’t know how people deal with me and how they choose to deal with me. Others have real problems in their lives and I whine about mine. To be totally honest I know that I have been lost and that I'm not sure what I want to be or who I want to be but to be who I want to be I need to shatter my need for acceptance from others and just live my life. Instead I have avoided my problems and pushed them away because it’s the easiest thing for me to handle. Sometimes I try hard and realise who I am but its all an act for me to hypnotise myself, telling myself I know what I am doing but I don’t and over and over again I disappoint myself.

...

Rumours they can be sour or sweet, they work both ways but the result depends on how they are seen to others. But to me rumours are just noise, i heard this today from a tv show called the Carrie Diaries. And what i have learned is that i dont need to care about rumours or what others think just as long as the people i care about the most know me for who i am! Hearing so many things said about me over the years it used to get to me and i would retaliate rather violent or rashly. But on hearing those words i know that i dont need to care because i know my closest friends and family know who i am and i need to trust and have faith in that! So this Friday when i go to Taiesha's birthday house party and somethings may be misunderstood, and rumours start i wont care, it may bother me but i can handle it because i know i have my family and friends :)

Happiness?

What is the meaning to being happy? How do you know you are truly happy with where you are and who you are? Every girl wishes more that one guy who will be the sweetest to you and care and love you and cherish you cause he know you are the best thing in his life! I want to know what gives a guy courage and what does a girl have to do to make a guy come up to her and say "I just had to speak to you, because I know this may be my last chance". Every girl wants this, I want to know what makes a bad boy act like the most caring and loving guy in the world when he is around you! I cant stop thinking about him right now :( I want to see him and I want him to smile when he sees me and know that I'm the only one for him, but this is all a dream, a fantasy! Its not necessarily that I want a boyfriend when right now because I'm lonely (well maybe ;) but I want a boyfriend to have the experience, experience all the good things and the bad because to me I have always imagined going to high school and experiencing dating. All my sisters did and I feel like I haven't which means there is something wrong with me, i always thought having a boyfriend is what happiness is but i know that cant always be true but i just wish for that once, to experience it because when i leave how will i know how to do anything? :( but all I can do right now is wish and enjoy my single free life I guess :/

CHRISTMAS TIME!!

I love the Christmas season! Its my favourite time of the year because all the stress of school, belonging with friends and just the stress of everything lifts because on all I have to worry about is eating too much. To be honest i havent felt like i belonged with any of my friends lately but that might just be because of exams :/ anyways moving away from the negativity... At the start of December I start to listen to my Christmas songs, wait and count down the days till Christmas. It’s the one time of the year where I look forward to, even more than my Birthday :) It’s the time of year where I get to open presents, see my family and celebrate and what makes me feel better is that’s when it actually feels like my holidays start. And after Christmas the new year starts where I get to leave all the things I did the year before behind. I really cant wait this year till I can forget about everything and just be happy and just to start fresh again! :)

FREEDOM!!

YES! So i am finally free!! Except for my extension history proposal :( but im so happy!

Anyway on other notes im thinking of starting something new but not sure if i should yet :/ And i feel very far apart from you now that im not sure if we are close anymore :/

This week i feel like i dont belong HAHAHA

In all honesty

Ok, so to be honest with you guys i keep saying that im over being stressed and freaking out and just trying to go with the flow but right now and the start of this week i am not ready for anything and im having a bit of a freak out!! i need to calm down but i cant!! But im going to go sleep now even though i know have i have heaps to do!! my time keeping is probably not that great right now, i had a schedule and i have pretty much kept it until tonight when my sisters and family came over!! i really need to calm down right now but my body is starting to heat up and im so nervous but i know im going to be ok :) Oh geez so nervous!!!!! I am probably just having a freak out right now because of the lack of sleep but i know im going to ok!? right im going to be ok right? :/ FMLLLLL OK NEED TO STOP FREAKING OUT NOW PLEASE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH ok so since i cant actually scream thats my virtual scream and honestly didnt no much but i feel kinda better writing it all out! Hopefully tomorrow i can blog on my laptop again hahaha

OMG

OMG All the blocked sites on my laptop are unblocked for a while YAY. Now i can blog to my hearts content and actually type what im feeling cause honestly its so stupid when im writing it in my phone. Well actually right now im in the library "studying" for business and im with Jessica. To be honest i really wanted to tyoe down my feelings about Nikola and just tell you the whole story of him and how i feel things are like right now. Yes, so i have concluded that he is in fact ignoring me and our relationship is totally out of wack! The other day in modern he was having a "contest" and asking the boys out of him and this other white guy Peter who was the better wog and honestly its so stupid haha but its cute hehehe. So me and my friend Sanya were having a talk and then randomly Eric one of the guys that i hate and like said "hey Cheanda who do you think is the better wog" and to e totally honest this took me off guard and i think that it actually took Nikola by surprise to because he and i made eye contact and he looked away straight away. Then Sanya who is also wog said she was the best wog haha so then things went back to normal and in those few moments i am pretty sure Nikola didnt want anything to do with me at all. He didnt look at me for the rest of the class even when i was asked a few questions, i think what made the conversation awkward mostly was the awkward eye contact we had. Then the convo went downhill from their, if in normal circumstances where we would be on good terms he would make eye contact with me and i would say Peter hahaha and then we would have a little fight but things have been to awkward recently. I am pretty sure my relationship with him is gone and i guess i am gonna have to get over it and just move on. And on other notes school has been so busy, everyone has had exams and so far i have only had one but i had an assignment. This week coming up though is the big one! I have three exams and two on one day and also two assignments due and an in class test as well, so a very busy week! but i think i am pretty ready for everything but maybe not the assignments but i am working on them and i think i should be good for everything but cant be too sure :) Wish me luck everyone hehe but after this week i am going to relax and just enjoy whats coming next which will be christmas my favourite time of the year, and holidays where i dont have to worry about school, boys and just drama for a while hahaha :D

Insanity

I honestly think i have lost my mind lately!! I lost my glasses last week and today i swear i lost one of my english technique books?! Like i keep putting things in the same place but they seem to keep on moving?! Like im actually freaking out cause i think i have lost my mind!! Like where the hell did it go?! And just when i need these things -_-

Tbh i am getting really scared cause who knows what will happen next, what i will lose :(

Changes

Things have changed i realised with me and Nikola alot. We used to have frquent exchanges when we talked and he used to make fun of me and stuff but now things just seem plain awkward. Before when i used to talk to the boys around him he would say "no dont give it to Cheanda" or "dont talk to Cheanda" but now its like whenever we talk and stuff we get awkward and dont speak. We cant even make eye contact anymore, and i  honestly miss fooling around with him acting like i didnt care but now its like all the tension is gone. But like its still there but we try to ignore it or make it go away. I feel like i have lost another friend or i dunno what but it feels like i have lost something, or someone.

Confusion

I feel shit today, I feel bad because I snapped at my friends and I feel like i am losing it! I keep thinking about nikola which is weird and I haven't recently. He was alone today in business and I felt like I should speak to him and I had a feeling he wanted me to but I dunno I actually think I'm losing my mind. I keep snapping at parents and I think it's because I have been starving and I have not gotten a good nights sleep. I feel like I am actually losing it today!!!!! But I am feeling really emotional today! I honestly want a boyfriend, maybe that's just today, I feel like vomitting and I have a headache! I just want to be together with someone today and someone to hug me, I know today's just one of those days but it honestly hurts sometimes feeling like this. But for the rest of the night I am just going to eat something and do work and hopefully I can forget and get a good nights sleep :/

Hello again

I just wanted to post a post of hello because i actually havent been writing any posts really and even though i kind of needed to during the weeks gone by i havent because i was usually to lazy and havent really been able to express my feelings very well. So i have been busy and i have had a lot going on but i dont know where to start but im going to just give a quick summary of everything basically.

The first thing would be school and stress, well i have kind of realised that im kinda to young to stress, nows not the time for my to have a mental break down and freak out! Nows the time to relax a bit and just go with the flow. I have realised this from my Sister Fiona and from the best girl ever for me to have met Jessica. From each of them i learnt a few quotes and i wrote them down
-Dont think, just do!
-Go with the flow and dont stress!
These are from Jessica and thw others are more like life goals to keep me on track.
-Have small goals to achieve and not big ones to make me stress!
-And the main Goal in my life should be: Happiness!
The last one is from my sister and as it says im just going to concentrate on being happy now! Before i used to worry to much, freak out, overthink and just plain stress over and over again but now i have realised there is no need for me to! Because how is my future going to be any good if i keep stressing, being happy should be whats important to me!

School to me recently hasnt been all that bad and to be honest i think im getting back on track cause i have a system going on slowly :) i went to a library on the weekend and i think it was a good way to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air!! :)

I still have feelings for Nikola but i dont think they are that strong anymore! The only moment this week probably that i got nervous was when i got a message on my facebook and hoping it was from Nikola. But as per usual it got my hopes up and then they plummet back down knowing that it would never be for something more than asking for help for a subject!

Some days i wonder whether i am being truly sane and if i am doing something that makes me happy but then i wake up and realise i wouldnt want to be anywhere else. Sometimes i say i just cant wait to leave school and get away from everything but then i would miss things! Im not actually sure what i want but i am hoping i can find out before i leave school, but for now ill just go with the flow and see where it takes me :)

I think i am missing a few things but i will probably post another post telling you guys the rest :)