Depressed

I think I am mentally depressed and I am started to feel insecure and like I don't want to leave my house! I don't want to leave to go anywhere I want to stay here where I am safe from everything! Im scared and confused and want to cry so much! Today at school I nearly broke out crying because I got mad. I don't want to hurt my friends or be mean or be a bitch I want to be fine and happy! I cant deal with anything right now! I don't want to see my family or friends or anyone for that matter because I'm sick of everything and just want it to all stop! I need to be left alone, alone where no one can find me or take me away from where I am, where no one can find me, where there is no living soul to be seen. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE AND I DONT WANT ANYONE TO COME NEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND HAVE NO ONE TO JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO CRYYYYYYY OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO CRY AND SHOUT AND SCREAM AND GET ANGRY AND BE ALONE, away from everyone! I believe I am a hazard and I believe I am not happy at all and If I cant be happy the people around me wont be happy either.

To drop out or to not drop out

Lately i feel like i dont wanna go to school anymore and i feel lost as what to do. I feel as if i quit now i am losing or if i stay im gonna be miserable for a long time. I am confused as to why im here and if i really belong here. I try my best and all that but i still feel lost and confused and gone and drained mainly. I am not sure if i feel this way because of the lack of sleep but i feel this way. To be honest i know the reason i wanna drop out and leave and stay home and the reason i cant sleep. I am scared and nervous all the time and worried, my Dad has been acting strange lately. He went to the docters on friday and came home saying 'Dad is very tired now and weak. My body is very week' And honestly i was extremely worried as to how things would turn out. I feel scared and like i should be taking care of him but he wants me to go school and stuff. And then my sister worries me because lately she has been getting like 1,2,3 hours sleep only and im nervous. She acts all happy but i feel like shes mentally drained and well lost. Also school jusy stresses me out and i dont need this right now like all the people here just piss me off now and i cant deal with any of it anymore!! And the main reason why i am not looking forward to my birthday is because i had a dream of someone getting hurt on my birthday and it being all my fault. I wanna cry really loud and just want them to stay home and be safe but i know nowhere is safe and i cant predict the future cause it all might be fine!

so confused right now in what to do! Sighhhhhhh

Emotions

This week ever since Friday I have been really really well emotional and mainly angry! Especially today I was really snappy and just taking my anger out on everyone, like I didn't mean to but it just happens. But to be honest I feel like I have been holding a lot of anger in and I just wanna scream and punch everything and everyone till they all disappear. To be honest it is my birthday next week and I aint too happy about it and usually I am. Right now I just feel drained and angry and just want everyone to not remember that it is my birthday and for it to go away. I am not in the mood to celebrate or have fun! I it all and just wanna die! Like that is how angry I am. My anger makes me sad which makes me wanna cry but I feel like I need a good cry to let it all out and scream and just sleep! Sleep forever and into the beyond! I don't care about school and I hate it and don't want it anymore! like what am I doing here at school, acting like I understand everything and acting like I care and don't care and like I'm fine all the time! I need a neutralizer, I need to see my nieces and nephews because they are what keep me going through the week! I need to hug them and kiss them and just give them all the love I can! I wanna cry so bad rn!!!!!!UGHHHHHHHHHH FUCKKKKKKK LIKE OMGGGGG DIEEEEE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK And that's the other thing I have been swearing like no tomorrow!!

You start to believe in lies when the truth is too hard to handle...

I read this quote on twitter today and i was wondering if we really did believe in lies when the truth is too hard to handle, how would we ever believe if something was real or not?! I believe the truth but these could all be lies?! Now im confused on what i believe and if i should actually believe what i have been? I try to believe that he doesnt like me but then am i believing lies?! Does he actually like me or am i going mad?!

So many questions and no answers :/

Nothing at all!!

Yes im not going to think anymore! Anything related to you im gonna erase it! I wont let you get to me anymore, yes i want you but no i cant have you! I have to think of you as gold or a diamond, no matter how much i want it i cant have it! I am not worthy of it! If i want it then ill get it when im ready!! My life if pretty sad because most of what o think about is you. And honestly i want to stop because how will i ever move on with my life if im clinging onto my past! I have been treating my life too lightly lately but i really need to take it seriously!

If you want me or like me or watever, well in here and waiting but you have to remember i wont be waiting forever! Yes i still wanna look good in front of you and everything but doesnt mean i need to get your attention and lose my attention in classes!! I am more important than you! Me! Thinking about you sometimes is fine and you speaking to me sometimes is fine but i will not overthink it cause really its nothing!! Nothing at all!!

Valentines Day

I want him to make the first move, to show me he likes me but I know this wont happen. Today I saw Jessica wrote something on my book to tell me and at first I had no idea what it said but she wrote it again and I thought it said Nikola hooked up with Vivian and to be honest I was angry, I could feel my mood going down and down but then she explained that it said Thanh was looking at me which honestly happens a lot but I try to seem blank. I'm sorry to say this but I don't really care about thanh and his feelings towards me because I only seem to care about Nikola's. He makes me go mad!! its like he has some kind of control over me! His eyes make me melt and his smile kills me! But from what I thought Jessica said how do I know he doesn't have feelings for Vivian or he may have already hooked up with her?! All these questions and I'm never going to get an answer! But as I said I am getting over him! like on the process to getting over him. So this since this morning yes I have been getting over him, like I don't speak to him, or try look around for him and in classes ignore him and not speak or look at him! So I kind of did it all day today, but in English I spoke to him and it was about work of course but he made eye contact with me and I couldn't help but smile. And also Oskar was looking to and then something weird happened, probably my imagination but I had a feeling they were talking about me and blah blah. Now I also had the next period with him and he was smiling the whole time and looked fine and well in this class again like the last class he asked to hand out the sheets, now the main point is he ASKED to hand them out himself. and he did and went around the room handing them out and then he gave ours and as per usual I kept talking to my friend next to me, trying to ignore him. He went to back to sit in his chair but he seemed down now. He went from this happy laughing guy to a sad depressed one which I noticed and got worried Haha I felt like going up to him and giving him a hug cause I couldn't bear the sight of it. But he sat in front of us in class and I just kept staring at his back. But at first I didn't think it was anything and said to myself stop and just do your work Cheanda! One of the guys in class made a joke and all his mates laughed and usually he would laugh but he seemed down as I said. I am guessing his friend Oskar noticed cause a little while after asked him what was wrong and basically just talked in whisper mode and I couldn't hear so I am not sure what Oskar said cause after he slightly went back to normal and all the guys kind of cheered him up. So I realized that if Nikola ever had a girlfriend or say found out I liked him and turned me down then I would cry. and that would make him the first guy to make me cry over them! And this is the first time I have ever got this serious over a guy. To be honest I am afraid of getting hurt. Because I don't want to be hurt because of him. Tomorrow is Valentines day and I am handing out roses at school and I always hope I will get a rose from someone and usually someone I like but this year I am dreading Valentines day because thanh may give me a rose and I don't want him to! or Nikola may not give me a rose which I am fine with but him giving a rose to someone else which makes me sad. I am dreading the say so much because its a day about couples and love and like and blah blah while I sit miserably alone at home. I just cant wait till the day is over!!

What are, your intentions towards me?!

Nikola i need to ask you this! What are your intentions towards me because most times seems like you have feelings for me or its my own crazy deception. But others have witnessed it too and ask the same question, what are your intentions man! But i cant believe it cause your nice to everyone most times and funny with them and talk to them! But wtf is so special about me!

Nothing! You dont do anything different around me than when your with other girls!! I need to wake up and get back to my senses cause his not interested!!

I thought i would do some blogging dada dada daaaa

I'm in the mood to blog today, not particularly because I want to just because I feel like typing up some random stuff haha Today I did some shopping and it was extremely fun because I bought a lot of clothes which I'm excited about wearing. But I still need to pay people back money so I cant use too much :( I am hoping tomorrow that I will only have to use $30 tomorrow or even just $25 and I would even like it to be $35. Just as long as I have a substantial about of money left haha I have no idea what else to say though LOL This week I have so much going on! On Wednesday we have our annual swimming carnival and apparently this one is meant to be quite big because they renamed the houses. And on Friday is the day to be honest I have been dreading its Valentines day :( Valentines Day is the worst time of year for me besides my birthday haha One reason I hate Valentines Day is because basically its a day for couples and people who want to be couples but for single people like me it's misery!! Like to be honest I don't need these couples around me celebrating their love for one another, especially when I might hope to expect a rose and not actually get one! Around Valentines day I kind of expect something, I do it unconsciously but I know its actually a deep thought at the bottom of my heart. I just want a rose is that so hard haha What I actually find worse is when my friends get me a rose because it makes me feel insecure and petty but this year I know one of my friends Sandy got me a rose which I am kind of grateful for but deep down I know I seem pitiful to others. Getting a rose from a friend is completely different from getting a rose from someone with feelings for you, like someone you like. So yes I know you can all probably guess I am hoping and wanting a rose from Nikola but I definitely know I wont get one!! This weekend started with me not thinking about him that much and changed to me thinking a lot about him, especially when I have nothing else to do than think. As I said in the previous song I want this to go away as fast as possible, actually I need this to go away!!! Anyway night and wish me good luck for this week cause I know I'll need it haha I'll probably be blogging a lot this week hahaha

I NEED TO STOP!!!!

Lately I have encountered many, like many, Like ALOT of times I spoke and encountered talking to Nikola and Yes I have been ignoring him and trying not to speak with him. But sometimes I cant help but think he wants to speak with me and well I don't like it, well I do but I am not supposed to! The whole day I didn't want to speak to him and yes I ignored him but conversed but avoided it when I could. But one thing that caught my attention the most was when I was in modern history and the teacher told him to hand out sheets and well you cant say no. anyway he gave sheets to me and my friend Sonja and she was still writing stuff and I was drinking water, not caring and just staring into space but he gave us our sheets very I don't know to say but very dramatically. He kind of flung them on our table and I looked down and he was moving on to give more out but he said "Your supposed to say thank you" and well he honestly didn't have to say this comment but he did and it bothered me because it kind of seemed like he was trying to get my attention. Anyway later that afternoon I spoke to him and well we just had a weird but kind of normal convo and well I was confused and needed some help figuring what was going on. Well I texted Jessica telling her everything but mainly just the convo, and she said seems like he had mixed feelings for me and this was only when I told her about the convo we had when we were walking back home but I am not sure what she will say about the other times. Like the one about class and the handing out of the sheets. I know what Jessica will say she will say he has feelings for me but I don't know!!!! I hate this so much!!! Its giving me a headache and just when I was moving on with my life! I could talk to him the whole time until it came to him handing out those sheets! It took me off guard!! I still need to stop though!! when we were on the train trip home I could make eye contact with him but not for too long and I just felt like he was (excuse the cheeziness) staring into my soul which was weird!!! I need to stop thinking of him in this way!!! Ugh But one thing that I'm curious about the most was he kept saying "Cheanda why you talking shit about David for?" and this is David G one of my good friends from year 7 and I was like WTF!!!! But you see David is in my English class and that lesson I was laughing and being normal me and talking to David and laughing and we listened to music and danced and sang (ironic English class and we didn't do any work haha) and I had a feeling he was staring at me but I always have this instinct but I don't know this time because whenever I laughed out of nowhere and stuff he kind of, how do you say, flinched and looked up but I saw this from the corner of my eye so I don't know. UGHHHHHHHH So many questions and no real answers :( But still what bothers me a lot is that he still might like Vivian which could be true or not or it never was true but I don't know and it's giving me a headache and I just don't want to think about it anymore!!! I NEED TO STOP!!!!! What I found most funny part of the say was when he was so surprised that I swore haha and he said I had changed from the previous Cheanda and yet he thinks I am the type of person to hook up with a guy at a party hahaha

Everytime I take a step forward I am always moved two steps back..

The truth is Valentines Day is coming up slowly and slowly. And so yeah at my school we ask people around the school if they want to buy roses and year 12 organize it and since I'm in year 12 this year I helped out. I went around with my friends asking people if they wanted to buy me roses. This was like 2 days ago, and before class I was walking with Jessica and she asked me if I wanted a rose and I was like 'nah I'm alright', but when I said this it was true that I didn't really want one or need it but I guess I was kind of hoping... I didn't want a rose from anyone really and I wasn't expecting one from anyone but now I realize that I actually really wanted one from Nikola. He asked me today to buy a rose because he was selling them and it made my heart jump but what I was thinking was couldn't you buy me one instead. and I was nearly going to say something but I held it in. But throughout the events of the day I realized he truly has no interest in me and that I read into things too much. For once I wanted my dream to come true. Lately I have been feeling happy especially when I'm at school but when I came home it kind of felt like all my energy degenerated and I just feel kind of down. Usually not for the whole night but I have a stage in the night where I think and think and think. What's really been on my mind lately is my weight and the way I look, I don't know why but I feel so insecure about myself, I know I shouldn't but for some reason I am. My school swimming carnival is coming up and I just feel like I want to stay at home and not go. I need to move on with my life and just get rid of all these issues that I have written. I need to say goodbye to Nikola, my insecurities and just move towards the bigger picture... but these things take time and not sure if I want to keep waiting for my to move forward..

What is sleep?!

I dont know if i can sleep tonight. That dream this morning gave me a fright. To be honest i forgot about it through out the day but then thinking about school again brought back the dream. I now know why i dreamt that dream, because i want it to happen. But no it wont and i know that but for some reason i still choose to want it. I remember thinking towards the end of my dream i started to wake up right before i brought him behind the bookcase or aisle or watever and i remember thinking no i dont want to wake up, i just want to keep dreaming because i was enjoying it so much. Too much! And thats normal but i cant seem to sleep now because i dunno how i will act tomorrow because i know what happened and only i know (and you guys) and it was just a dream. Im nervous i dont want to sleep! Im playing games on my phone so i wont sleep lol so when i wake up i wont have to face him but im gonna have to either way lol

Anyway guys ill try sleep :) night all

*Blush*

OMG i had a dream this morning of Nikola and he confessed he liked me?! Ok so the dream starts we are out i have no idea where i think airport?! Everyone is looking around the store and Nikola was standing behind me and he taps me on the shoulder and says "Cheanda make sure your careful when you take a taxi home ok. And let me know when you go" but like even in my dream i was confused lol but as he said this he gave me his keys and well i guess this meant he wanted to go home when i did and that he wanted me to know? I dunno lol and then everyone was saying around us 'ooooohhhhhhhh' and i blushed i think?! Haha and so he walked away around the shop. Now usually thats how my dreams with him end, like thats the only time i see him. So in my dream i do what i would do if that happened told Jessica and told her about it. But you see even in my dream i was confused, so i was discussing with Jessica if that was a confession?! She said she didnt know so she went on shopping and me too but i was confused and i looked around and Matthew G came up to me to ask me something and i saw him coming but for some reason actually what i always do i look around. And as i turn my head i see Nikola and Peter walk past but Peter was talking you see and Nikola was staring at me?! And then Matthew started talkig to me surprising me. I dont remember the convo but then it changed to me pulling Jessica into a library?? And we went to talk about the situation but it seemed that Nikola and all his friends came over to see us?! I dunno but they pulled me up and told me to sit with Nikola and talk and i was like what?! Like i was so confused and flustered and he seemed mad or sad? Which i dunno but i grabbed him cause everyone was yelling at us to talk and i pulled him behind some books down an aisle and sat down and said whats going on! He sat down looked at me and said nothing and i was like oh yeah then why is everyone yelling at us?! And then he began to talk, he said "it took me a lot of guts to say that to you and you didnt even respond?!" And i was like "to that?! I said ok? And i was confused, like i didnt get what you were trying to say!" He said "look i confessed ok! And all i wanted to do was hang out with you and instead your hanging with Matthew! " I was surprised tbh and i remember slightly moving and my body getting flustered haha I just stared at him and i said "You like me? Since when!" And he was i guess angry or something but he said agressively and kinda loudly " I have liked you since year 8 ok! And all you want to do is hang out with other guys" and again my body moved haha I stared at him and smiled, he was sitting against the wall while i was crouching down. I grabbed his hand and sat next to him and leaned on his shoulder and said "Well why didnt you say so" and the tension from his body loosened and he smiled and he told me that all he has ever wanted to do was hold my hand and just hold me in his arms. I loved listening to that and this dream, he said i have always wanted to kiss you and then the dream is a blur haha i kinda woke up LOLOLOLOL awks