Awkwardness

Honestly lately i have been really awkward among my friends. And well i dont speak to many of them anymore. Well Mily used to be one of my really good friends but now i just dont think we are. I havent had a proper conversation with her in ages and whenever i do get the chance to talk to her its awks and its just small talk :(

I am even like this with some of my close friends which is honestly sad :( i think i need help in my life!

Tall

Honestly I hate being tall!! People keep saying to be that being tall is good but honestly it sucks!! I used to think being tall was good but after I kept growing to be extremely tall I hate it, absolutely hate it!! The main issue I have with being tall is people ridiculing me about being tall, like seriously fuck off I don't want to be this tall, I didn't choose to be this tall it just happened!! Like sometimes I want to scream at people and punch them in the face and say "If your gonna tease me so much about my height, then fuck off just because you cant grow this fucking tall isn't my fucking problem!!". One of the main reasons I hate my height is because when I go to school and I get teased about my height but when I come home to my family I also get teased like "Fuck off Mum its you that made me this fucking height not me!!" I hate how she always says "Why are you wearing heels your already tall enough" Well fuck off Mum if I want to wear fucking heels like I want to fucking wear heels once in my life and I don't want people to fucking tell to take them off or I'm too tall so I cant wear fucking heels like FUCK OFF!!!! Being tall isn't a choice, its either your born to be tall or your not! Especially when it comes to me actually wearing high heels people always tell me im tall enough why do I need to wear them, well because I want to be like everyone else, I want to look pretty in my dress with my high heels and pretty hair, I want to fit in. I am sick of not fitting in anywhere and not being able to talk to anyone about this like people don't understand how it is for me, I am either the tall freak or just in all a freak! Boys don't talk to me cause they just don't, like I don't trust people easy I know that but really you have to tease me about my fucking height to get on my level, like come on guys grow the fuck up, grow some balls and move on with life!! To be honest I have had enough with being tall, yes with some people its fun and I laugh and make jokes but with some they don't know how to joke appropriately! But honestly if someone else makes a joke about my height I will break down crying or just ignore them forever! The main reason of my I am writing this is because I spoke to my mum about getting heels for my dress and she suggested me to get flats. WHY! This is what I hate! And I finally broke out and just told her off, like I get this at school and I come home and I get it again like WOW! The comments like 'oh your too tall to wear heels', or 'how will you ever find a man in your life' and especially when people cant win an argument with me so they bring up my height and go on and on about it like seriously, FUCK! But the thing is I am worried about these things and these bother me! I'm a girl too I want to wear heels, I want to hug someone who is like a head taller than me, especially when I wear heels he is still taller than me! But I get how sometimes my height can be intimidating and guys don't like tall girls but like will I ever find something to make me happy or someone. Like I just feel like I'm an outcast from everyone else in the world.

Time...

To be honest i just want to write this one post of Nikola or N as i call him nowadays. Well to be honest i havent written anything about him lately cause i havent had any recolation or communication with him lately. But today and the past few days seem to be getting back to normal. Sometimes i think he just wakes up and is like maybe i shall look at her today or talk to her today but i dunno. Today only awks thing was eye contact, like we had so much of it!! But like i know he doesnt like me and that he likes another girl but i cant help but feel the (ew so cheezy) connection we have hhahahaha ew!! Especially during the dodgeball game but maybe it was my imagination or im that blind but i definiately saw something. But his still a dick and he still pisses me off alot!! But i feel like his going back to his normal self slightly like both of us and well like before our flirtiness hahahahaha

Guess we shall see cause time can only tell now :P

As we move on...

Today was a hard day for me! I felt distressed and confused, i seriously didnt know where i belonged. All my friends stayed in the library at recess and lunch studying and me of course, doesnt want to spend the rest of their life studying. But at lunch because i had already barged my way in to someone elses group of friends i went to the library to see my friends. But they didnt even talk to me they just basically studied. So i left them, when i was on my way out of the library, i realised i didnt have a destination, somewhere i could feel comfortable. But i went back to the barged in group and i barged in again but i didnt feel right.

I felt like an outsider. To be honest i am seriously considering dropping out and doing school at tafe. But i dont know how i will tell my parents and family. To be honest everyone at school has a place but i feel lost, today when i was trying to figure out where i was gonna go exiting the library i nearly burst into tears. I have honestly had enough of this!! I dont want to feel this way anymore and i just want to enjoy my life. Before i decide to drop out i want to ask my mum to set up an appointment with a phychiatrist or therapist or watever. Because im gonna explode, i want to have fun and enjoy everythig with my friends but im too overwhelmed.

To be honest the closest person i am with is Jessica and lately i feel like im a nuisance. I dont feel like i should bother her like i do. I feel completely sorry for her, thats why i havent really spoken to her today. I dont want to go to school tomorrow cause it actually scares me.

whats wrong with me?

I feel like there is something wrong with me lately. I don't feel energetic and I feel drained. I have kind of lost the ability to be happy. When I am at school I smile and laugh for the sake of others but really I just want to go home and crawl in my bed. Sometimes I am happy so I do express it and things like that but to be truthful I just want to stay asleep sometimes, where there is nothing just darkness. Sometimes I wonder is that what it feels like to be dead?! I am not thinking suicidal thoughts but I think if there was a fire in my house I wouldn't rush to get out. I am kind of sick of everything right now and I don't bother to get angry anymore. I hate my body, I hate myself(some parts, its like a love hate relationship), I hate boys, I am actually kind of hating people in general and I hate school the most!!! I am sick of being here in general, I feel nothing good happens in my life, nothing happy, nothing that would surprise me and make me happy. Sometimes some things do but really I am just lost for the rest of the time. For my birthday I did kind of enjoy myself but at the end of the day I kind of lost interest in it. It felt like on my birthday it was one of those tolerant days but as soon as the clock struck 12 I sprain my ankle haha I am seriously not sure what to think anymore. I know I am soon going to explode keeping everything in. Everyday seems like the same thing now and I hate it! I am frustrated with myself cause I don't know what's wrong with me and I really want to know how to fix this! Right now I want to lie in bed and cry, just cry.

Birthday

Yay its my Birthday!!!!! Yeah this is how i am supposed to act but really i dont care and it just makes me more depressed! On your birthday you are supposed to enjoy yourself and celebrate and be happy but how can you enjoy yourself when the people around you arent enjoying themselves and you yourself arent enjoying your life?! Right now i feel like i have lost all my friends, cause i dont want to be around anyone right now!

But here comes tomorrow or later today and im faking a smile, tricking myself into thinking i am enjoying the day. I just wanna sleep into oblivion!! Well hoping after i wake up ill be in a better mood, doubt it though.

All happy smiles for tomorrow :D