What ive learnt from 2013

What i have learnt in the past year is that i need to take things into my own matters and grow up! I need to move on and move forward. I just have to do things instead of overthinking them! I need to be more organised.

What i have mostly known is that i dont need a man to keep me going in life cause i can stand on my own two feet. Sure if the right guy comes around ill go for it but thats just me, when i like someone i really like them. But I now know how to stand on my own two feet and walk on my own! But i know im not alone, i have a fantastic family and heaps of friends who love and support me! This year has honestly tough and the most emotional one i have ever had but i know there are more bumps in the road to come and that they will get harder but im not afraid cause im just gonna tackle it straight on!

Nikola? Well i honestly aint really caring atm but i do think about him sometimes which is normal! But i dont need him in my life  cause i can stand on my own! Boys i dont need them but ill take up the offer if it came around haha

Jessica, my best friend and honestly the best support this year! I have learnt so much from her and gotten so close to her :) but i never thought i would get that close to someone! Like honestly we fart in front of each other  haha But once we got so close i kinda didnt want to let go. I dont want to lose her friendship so we ended up texting everyday but i know now that i dont need to text her everyday! That she needs her space sometimes and i cant rely on her! I need to move on and be me for a while, like on my own :) And she also has a blog and she says she wants to delete it and im ok with that! If she wants to tell me stuff she can cause she knows im always right here for her. I have realised knowing everything about each other and talking everyday is like a couple which are clinging to each other but when they meet half the time have nothing to talk about.

And i dont want my relationship to seem like im clinging or a weirdo (thats the way i see myself haha). Its ok to text each other sometimes but no need to text everyday :) Plus i dont wanna be a bother haha

This is have developed a stronger relationship with my sisters and i have ended the year on good terms with my sisters and parents! To be honest when i went on a trip to the blue mountains with my cousins i learnt alot and thought alot and i reckon just grew alot as a person! Im starting 2014 with a new attitude but im not sure its the right one yet but ya know :) Im hoping 2014 will stay as it is going right now but only thing to work harder at my schoolwork haha

Anyway Happy New Year readers :) and may your 2014 be filled with funfilled, happy and  cheerful memories and may be grow from the bad ones :D

Guilt, pain, faults

I cant stop thinking about what i did to my sister! I feel hopeless but i ask myself this question so many times today. Why did god choose to put me into this family and into this body, into this school and into this lifetime! I dont accomplish anything! I did so shit in all my exams and assignments why does god choose to punish me like that! I didnt choose to be born into this family or into this life! I no longer want to be the youngest, to have sisters twice my age to feel so sick to my stomach about the results i get in my exams, the disappointment and burden i am to my family, especially my parents!! I dont want this anymore!! I didnt ask for this!! Why the fuck did god choose to punish people like this! What did i do! and the thing is i know its all my fault!

I'm lost...

Who do I want to be? This question is hard because no matter how hard I think I just can't seem to figure it out. Everyone tells me to be myself and be who I want to be but I'm not exactly sure. But giving it some thought I realise who I want to be: I want to be the type of girl who knows what she wants and will strive to get it. To the most important people to her, they know that they can count on her. A girl who has mistakes and learns from them. A girl who can easily forgive all. I want to be the type of girl who can be happy with who she is. To feel like she isn't a burden and enjoy her life. To know that she has a connection with those who mean the most to her. For them to know who she really is. Someone who can take risks when needed I want to be the girl who has courage and can believe in herself when needed. I want to be the girl who is happy with who she is and… She knows that she doesn’t need anyone to lean on to be herself. I'm not any of this right now, at all! I really want to be but I'm too confused and lost as to who I want to be. Being me isn't something I would call easy, it is actually very hard. I know I haven't made enough mistakes and enough issues to know who I am. To be honest I don’t like to go out and try new things, I'm not that girl because I'm too scared of what others think and of what I think of myself. To me I am a worthless piece of shit who sometimes has occasional times where she feels at ease. I honestly don’t know how people deal with me and how they choose to deal with me. Others have real problems in their lives and I whine about mine. To be totally honest I know that I have been lost and that I'm not sure what I want to be or who I want to be but to be who I want to be I need to shatter my need for acceptance from others and just live my life. Instead I have avoided my problems and pushed them away because it’s the easiest thing for me to handle. Sometimes I try hard and realise who I am but its all an act for me to hypnotise myself, telling myself I know what I am doing but I don’t and over and over again I disappoint myself.

...

Rumours they can be sour or sweet, they work both ways but the result depends on how they are seen to others. But to me rumours are just noise, i heard this today from a tv show called the Carrie Diaries. And what i have learned is that i dont need to care about rumours or what others think just as long as the people i care about the most know me for who i am! Hearing so many things said about me over the years it used to get to me and i would retaliate rather violent or rashly. But on hearing those words i know that i dont need to care because i know my closest friends and family know who i am and i need to trust and have faith in that! So this Friday when i go to Taiesha's birthday house party and somethings may be misunderstood, and rumours start i wont care, it may bother me but i can handle it because i know i have my family and friends :)

Happiness?

What is the meaning to being happy? How do you know you are truly happy with where you are and who you are? Every girl wishes more that one guy who will be the sweetest to you and care and love you and cherish you cause he know you are the best thing in his life! I want to know what gives a guy courage and what does a girl have to do to make a guy come up to her and say "I just had to speak to you, because I know this may be my last chance". Every girl wants this, I want to know what makes a bad boy act like the most caring and loving guy in the world when he is around you! I cant stop thinking about him right now :( I want to see him and I want him to smile when he sees me and know that I'm the only one for him, but this is all a dream, a fantasy! Its not necessarily that I want a boyfriend when right now because I'm lonely (well maybe ;) but I want a boyfriend to have the experience, experience all the good things and the bad because to me I have always imagined going to high school and experiencing dating. All my sisters did and I feel like I haven't which means there is something wrong with me, i always thought having a boyfriend is what happiness is but i know that cant always be true but i just wish for that once, to experience it because when i leave how will i know how to do anything? :( but all I can do right now is wish and enjoy my single free life I guess :/

CHRISTMAS TIME!!

I love the Christmas season! Its my favourite time of the year because all the stress of school, belonging with friends and just the stress of everything lifts because on all I have to worry about is eating too much. To be honest i havent felt like i belonged with any of my friends lately but that might just be because of exams :/ anyways moving away from the negativity... At the start of December I start to listen to my Christmas songs, wait and count down the days till Christmas. It’s the one time of the year where I look forward to, even more than my Birthday :) It’s the time of year where I get to open presents, see my family and celebrate and what makes me feel better is that’s when it actually feels like my holidays start. And after Christmas the new year starts where I get to leave all the things I did the year before behind. I really cant wait this year till I can forget about everything and just be happy and just to start fresh again! :)

FREEDOM!!

YES! So i am finally free!! Except for my extension history proposal :( but im so happy!

Anyway on other notes im thinking of starting something new but not sure if i should yet :/ And i feel very far apart from you now that im not sure if we are close anymore :/

This week i feel like i dont belong HAHAHA

In all honesty

Ok, so to be honest with you guys i keep saying that im over being stressed and freaking out and just trying to go with the flow but right now and the start of this week i am not ready for anything and im having a bit of a freak out!! i need to calm down but i cant!! But im going to go sleep now even though i know have i have heaps to do!! my time keeping is probably not that great right now, i had a schedule and i have pretty much kept it until tonight when my sisters and family came over!! i really need to calm down right now but my body is starting to heat up and im so nervous but i know im going to be ok :) Oh geez so nervous!!!!! I am probably just having a freak out right now because of the lack of sleep but i know im going to ok!? right im going to be ok right? :/ FMLLLLL OK NEED TO STOP FREAKING OUT NOW PLEASE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH ok so since i cant actually scream thats my virtual scream and honestly didnt no much but i feel kinda better writing it all out! Hopefully tomorrow i can blog on my laptop again hahaha

OMG

OMG All the blocked sites on my laptop are unblocked for a while YAY. Now i can blog to my hearts content and actually type what im feeling cause honestly its so stupid when im writing it in my phone. Well actually right now im in the library "studying" for business and im with Jessica. To be honest i really wanted to tyoe down my feelings about Nikola and just tell you the whole story of him and how i feel things are like right now. Yes, so i have concluded that he is in fact ignoring me and our relationship is totally out of wack! The other day in modern he was having a "contest" and asking the boys out of him and this other white guy Peter who was the better wog and honestly its so stupid haha but its cute hehehe. So me and my friend Sanya were having a talk and then randomly Eric one of the guys that i hate and like said "hey Cheanda who do you think is the better wog" and to e totally honest this took me off guard and i think that it actually took Nikola by surprise to because he and i made eye contact and he looked away straight away. Then Sanya who is also wog said she was the best wog haha so then things went back to normal and in those few moments i am pretty sure Nikola didnt want anything to do with me at all. He didnt look at me for the rest of the class even when i was asked a few questions, i think what made the conversation awkward mostly was the awkward eye contact we had. Then the convo went downhill from their, if in normal circumstances where we would be on good terms he would make eye contact with me and i would say Peter hahaha and then we would have a little fight but things have been to awkward recently. I am pretty sure my relationship with him is gone and i guess i am gonna have to get over it and just move on. And on other notes school has been so busy, everyone has had exams and so far i have only had one but i had an assignment. This week coming up though is the big one! I have three exams and two on one day and also two assignments due and an in class test as well, so a very busy week! but i think i am pretty ready for everything but maybe not the assignments but i am working on them and i think i should be good for everything but cant be too sure :) Wish me luck everyone hehe but after this week i am going to relax and just enjoy whats coming next which will be christmas my favourite time of the year, and holidays where i dont have to worry about school, boys and just drama for a while hahaha :D

Insanity

I honestly think i have lost my mind lately!! I lost my glasses last week and today i swear i lost one of my english technique books?! Like i keep putting things in the same place but they seem to keep on moving?! Like im actually freaking out cause i think i have lost my mind!! Like where the hell did it go?! And just when i need these things -_-

Tbh i am getting really scared cause who knows what will happen next, what i will lose :(

Changes

Things have changed i realised with me and Nikola alot. We used to have frquent exchanges when we talked and he used to make fun of me and stuff but now things just seem plain awkward. Before when i used to talk to the boys around him he would say "no dont give it to Cheanda" or "dont talk to Cheanda" but now its like whenever we talk and stuff we get awkward and dont speak. We cant even make eye contact anymore, and i  honestly miss fooling around with him acting like i didnt care but now its like all the tension is gone. But like its still there but we try to ignore it or make it go away. I feel like i have lost another friend or i dunno what but it feels like i have lost something, or someone.

Confusion

I feel shit today, I feel bad because I snapped at my friends and I feel like i am losing it! I keep thinking about nikola which is weird and I haven't recently. He was alone today in business and I felt like I should speak to him and I had a feeling he wanted me to but I dunno I actually think I'm losing my mind. I keep snapping at parents and I think it's because I have been starving and I have not gotten a good nights sleep. I feel like I am actually losing it today!!!!! But I am feeling really emotional today! I honestly want a boyfriend, maybe that's just today, I feel like vomitting and I have a headache! I just want to be together with someone today and someone to hug me, I know today's just one of those days but it honestly hurts sometimes feeling like this. But for the rest of the night I am just going to eat something and do work and hopefully I can forget and get a good nights sleep :/

Hello again

I just wanted to post a post of hello because i actually havent been writing any posts really and even though i kind of needed to during the weeks gone by i havent because i was usually to lazy and havent really been able to express my feelings very well. So i have been busy and i have had a lot going on but i dont know where to start but im going to just give a quick summary of everything basically.

The first thing would be school and stress, well i have kind of realised that im kinda to young to stress, nows not the time for my to have a mental break down and freak out! Nows the time to relax a bit and just go with the flow. I have realised this from my Sister Fiona and from the best girl ever for me to have met Jessica. From each of them i learnt a few quotes and i wrote them down
-Dont think, just do!
-Go with the flow and dont stress!
These are from Jessica and thw others are more like life goals to keep me on track.
-Have small goals to achieve and not big ones to make me stress!
-And the main Goal in my life should be: Happiness!
The last one is from my sister and as it says im just going to concentrate on being happy now! Before i used to worry to much, freak out, overthink and just plain stress over and over again but now i have realised there is no need for me to! Because how is my future going to be any good if i keep stressing, being happy should be whats important to me!

School to me recently hasnt been all that bad and to be honest i think im getting back on track cause i have a system going on slowly :) i went to a library on the weekend and i think it was a good way to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air!! :)

I still have feelings for Nikola but i dont think they are that strong anymore! The only moment this week probably that i got nervous was when i got a message on my facebook and hoping it was from Nikola. But as per usual it got my hopes up and then they plummet back down knowing that it would never be for something more than asking for help for a subject!

Some days i wonder whether i am being truly sane and if i am doing something that makes me happy but then i wake up and realise i wouldnt want to be anywhere else. Sometimes i say i just cant wait to leave school and get away from everything but then i would miss things! Im not actually sure what i want but i am hoping i can find out before i leave school, but for now ill just go with the flow and see where it takes me :)

I think i am missing a few things but i will probably post another post telling you guys the rest :)

Leaving…

Just heard today that a guy named Oskar, whom im not close with but are friends with and is cute, is moving away and schools! This reminded me of all the people who have left our school in previous years :( My friend Phillip whom i was getting close to and he was so nice and defended me left. Sina a girl whom i was very close with and had fun with left :( and a bunch of other people i wasnt really close with but was close friends with left :(

The things i regret the most about when they left was not talking to them more and getting to know them more!! I feel like i only have a short time with everyone now cause we might not be friends forever and not keep in contact so we lose our friendship! :( i miss everyone and i hate to see them go cause everything is good now! We are all together!!

I know i will regret not speaking yo Oskar more and stuff but i still cant muster the confidence to speak to him :( He is best friends with Nikola and im pretty sure Nikola is pretty cut up about his friend leaving cause all the rest have left. And these guys are his closest of friends, I am slightly worried as to how he will handle it and if he is ok but i have no balls to ask! But i wanna try to speak to both Oskar and Nikola and see how things are cause i worry LOL (this is funny cause i barely speak to them or interact with them in any way haha)

Insecurity

Insecurity, this one word describes how i feel alot! I dont feel confident, strong, happy and let alone, me! I feel like i have lost myself a bit. I dont feel confident and strong enough to stand on my own, take my life into my own hands. I am scared, i have already classified that but i dont feel like i have moved forward. I feel like im stuck in this one spot waiting for someone or something to help me move forward.

I am insecure, about my body, my personality and who i am. I dont feel right and i dont know how to make myself move forward and take a leap. I have tried to try new things but they dont work out for me! I feel like everyday im playing charades with everyone around me and myself. Trying to figure out where i am at this point in time and where i want to be. Everyone has wants and everyone has needs but i dont feel like i have either. I feel like im running in this one direction trying to get to this one point but actually im here stuck in the same spot running to nothing.

I remember when i was younger i felt way more confident and myself. I felt like no weight was on my shoulders and i could run to wherever i wanted to be. In the movie twilight: eclipse One of Bella's friends explains how people ask us each time in our lives what we wanna be when we grow up. And now that we are growing up they want a serious answer but i dont know! She says 'nows the time to make mistakes, time and time again. To grow and learn so when they do ask us we will know! But i feel like i dont want to make mistakes and take risks i want to stay at home in bed with my laptop and books and just stay there and not face the world cause im scared and insecure of what people will think of me!

Figuring it all out...

Lately ive realised how dramatic i can be and how crazy i can get. I also realised how much i overthink a situation! Today i have been thinking of my past and how care free i used to be. I used to think i wasnt very care free but now that i look back i can see that i honestly give a shit about what my actions were or what i say and just did it! But now i overthink everything!! I need to take a chill pill!!

Few days ago i had a fight with my friend Gina and mostly cause i got pissed off easily but because i had so much to say to her!! I have so many friends but i have become so aware and afraid of my actions and reactions of others that i have lost the ability to enjoy my life without being paranoid all the time! By the end of this week i wanna be able to speak freely and become more of myself! I need to stop being shy and think like the independent girl i am!! Being loud, happy and free like i used to be! Showing people how much fun i can be and not just follow around like a lost puppy!! I want to be able to be myself!

Truth is my ex bestfriend Taiesha's Birthday is coming up and i wanted to make a video card for her like i did for Sandy! But im really nervous because i have lost her friendship and be have lost touch and basically fallen apart! I have no idea what to say to her. I have so much i want to say but im just too chicken to step up and say it! All we both really have in common now is our memories of the past! I miss them alot but in reality the reason we both went our own ways is because we have both become different people and taken seperate paths.

I dont know what to think or do with my life right now! I said i need to go back to the old me by the end of this week but i feel like i cant go back. Like instead of moving forward with my life, im just moving back. I am not sure how to act anymore but i need some time to myself to figure that out! Hopefully by the beginning of next week i will have some kind of plan :)

This week is my second workplacement week of the year and this time im doing it with Sandy :) hopefully i will be able to meet some nice, new people :)

Ffs

No wonder i was so angry and emotional and sad and all over the place yesterday! It was the day before my bloody monthlies!!

So i know why i was so emotional yesterday now which im kinda happy about cause i know why! I felt so high on my emotions i would have cried at anything haha

But today i went to a first birthday party and it was so fun!! I loved playing with all the kids and eating all dat asian and yummy white people food haha i saw so many half cast babies i was just so happy!! But i am tired now and im about to clonk out :P but i am gonna have a nap now cause twilight marathon with my cousins tonight :) YAY

Since i have let it all out, i can feel the pain and all i can do it lie here!

Emotions

Wow im feeling so damn emotional right now!! Everyone keeps saying Cheanda its ok, your ok! Your not alone, you can talk to me, your not a burden etc etc. Well people dont understand me!! I have been keeping most of my emotions in, But right now they are all coming out!! All at once i feel my loneliness, i can feel myself pulling away from everyone!

do i belong? I dunno! Most likely not because of myself and my mind i pull myself away from everyone! Im so desperate to not feel alone that i bet if a guy did try to hit on i bet i would flirt back and i dunno from there! But i do care and i just cant anymore!! All i can remember right now is that i lost one of my best friends, taiesha, i saw her at the party she was drunk as hell and her boyfriend was there for her the whole time!! Thats what i want, not crying in my room by myself! All i see is me alone, Jessica talks about her and her brother and david and even though some are suckie situations its what i still want!

All i do is think about me, it pisses me off!! I want to switch off my brain and Kill something!! I wanna drink till im dead anything to make all this stop!! I push everyone away from me and its all my fault!! These past few weeks i keep thinking im fine, im not alone, concentrating on Nikola but i know what i want is someone here with me! Someone to laugh and talk with! All i know right now is when i close my bedroom door all i hear is silence.

Jessica told me to keep my innocence and just wait for that one person. But what if that person comes around and i have already gone mad and push/scare them away! Ever since i was little i dreamed of my perfect life. Most people dream about going uni, being a vet but me it was always boys! I always dreamed about the perfect kiss, the hugs, just everything!! UGHHHH WHYYYYYY AM I LIKE THISSSSS!!!! FUCKKK

Right now i dont know what to do! I just wanna lie in bed under my covers cry and bash everything around and scream!! Cause thats how i feel right now!!! I wanna get a knife and stick it into my heart and cut it out and smash it with a sledge hammer, i wanna bash my head in and just stop thinking!!!!!!

I WANT IT TO ALL STOPPPPPP!!! ALL I DO IS OVERTHINK AND JUST FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF!! WHYYYYY!! No wonder im a mistakeee!!!!

Likes

I like chocolate, i like dogs, i like roses and i like Nikola! This boy causes me so much trouble!! I cant seem to have a moment of peace without him popping up!

Well today i found out, that one of my friends (we arent that close) likes him, well at least i think so! I had alot of opportunities to speak to him today but i didnt :( i feel so stupid that i cant do a stupid simple thing like saying "hi"! but know that my friend Vivian likes him makes me feel insecure and makes me feel like i cant and shouldnt like him! Cause shes so outgoing and outspoken while im very timid and shy (sometimes)

I know the reason im shy at the moment is because of the party! It muddled me up!! I feel like everything i say and do will be judged! Today i kinda ran into Jono and i think he wanted to speak to me but i kinda escaped it! I think he knew i didnt want to speak to him but he kept looking back at me which was so strange!! If he only knew how i felt about the biggest douchbag in our year *Nikola*!!

When i was younger i remember just randomly going up and speaking to him. He didnt mind and we enjoyed each others company. But now i have changed and become this timid shy girl! I want to change back into my old shell and become more outgoing and fun! I cant seem to do that anymore :( I can feel he wants to speak to me but whenever i did i would just give him one shot answers and run away! Before i used to keep the convo going and just carry on like usual.

I hate feeling hopeless, fearful instead of fearless, i overthink way too much mow and just makes my mind become all muddled up, i wanna feel like i have nothing to lose and i can just be good old me again :( But right now i feel like i have a lot more to lose than i did when i was younger!! Tomorrow is the last day before workplacement and its time to try become the old me again!!

Recently

Well recently Nikola has been staying around me more, honestly it all could be in my mind but i cant help but feel that he is always near me!! Im not sure what to do right now with myself and the situation i have put myself into with him! Jessica keeps saying she thinks he like me but although i would love to think that i dont think its true!!

Honestly he is such a distraction in my life but right now im not caring 'too' much. Just slightly noticing and caring, mainly im just sick of the mind games and want them to stop! But i still notice things which is something that is maybe some kind of sign but i refuse to actually believe it!

With school i am just sick of it and treat it as normal. School and then home and just basically stay in my room but i try my best to do some work!! I need my notes to get into order cause i have none at the moment!! I am a little freaked out but i dont care at the moment about the future cause if i think about it too hard im gonna have a break down for sure!!

Next week is workplacement with Sandy :) this will be my time to catch up, leave school behind me and leave my mind games of Nikola behind haha

News

Today i heard some aweful news which has actually kinda made me lose my faith in everything. Today i heard of my distant uncle passed away, and we had just found out after 2 months. My Aunty i remember was always the sweetest to me and her husband my late uncle absolutely sweet to me! I remember him riding his bike bringing me bread and having the sweetest smile.

My Aunty has come across loss of loved ones many times in her life! I remember at my great Aunties funeral (my aunties mum), my aunty cried so hard as she saw her mothers coffin go down into the ground! Thats the day i cried so hard, i used to think funerals and people dying was normal, and it is but i was completely surprised of what it did to others cause i was to young to know anything. Even though i didnt know my uncle too well i just remember his sweet smile and never being able to see it anymore!

To think my family and me had just found out now, two months later which makes me sick! This means to me that death could be waiting at any corner for any of us. I feel like crying now remembering my aunties cries when her mother being buried, all i feel right now hearing that is nothing and i dont want to feel anything anymore cause it all just seems like a waist of time!

Bad day!!

Today i had the worst fucking day!! I had a feeling i would but it only hit me during my 4th period english class when i am sure i was calles a whore by Nikola! But he didnt say it directly to my face my friend Thanh told me that! I feel so fucked over because everyone is making rumours about me and all i wanted to do on the night was sleep and have fun but instead i had a shit fucking experience!! Just because i slept in the bed full of the guys!! I just wanted a fucking place to sleep!! Cant you fuckers see that!!

People found out about Jono trying to make a move on me but fucking hell i am still and was really pissed before!! I just want to die in my room or fall asleep in my room and never wake up or just wake up in a better world!! I honestly hate all the boys at my fuckin school!!

Everywhere i walk its like im being judged my everyone i walk past!! I hate these fucking people for judging me on what im not!! I aint a slut or a whore and fuck off i am a sensitive girl who is about to cry herself to sleep cause of all you little fuckers!!

And this is just my fucking problems!! Poor Jessica has to deal with so much shit from her bf and i just want to help her be happy!! I hate my life right now!! Im at an ultimate low!! I wanna cry myself to sleep and wake up to the holidays!! Tomorrow is finally my day to have time with Jessica! We are gonna go shopping, eat and forget all this shit!!!!

First time

Yesterday night was my first night going to a hotel party and drinking! I had a lot of fun and was kinda disappointing at the same time. Most people would disaprove of drinking at my age but honestly its good old fun and a great distraction from the real world for a while.

I wasnt drunk but i had quite a lot to drink i guess?! I had 6 shots of vodka and i only got tipsy, Jessica told me that i would get tipsy and slightly drunk at 3-4 shots but i had 6 which i was really proud of! The alcohol kinda effected me i guess, but made me extremely red!!

The most awkward and weird thing of the night was one of my guy friends Jonothan was trying to spoon me and just completely weird!! We arent that close and it was just weird cause its Jonothan. I got kicked out of my bed cause someone stole me spot and so Jonothan said come there is a spare bed. I was like ok then and i went to sleep and he was like yeah i should sleep to cause he tired. And later on one of the guys came into bed too and well there were 4 in a bed and i was squashed in the middle!! My hair was stuck under Jonothan and i needed to pee and move and get a drink. So i got up (hardly) and i did all that but i didnt want to go back to the middle so i stayed outside for a bit. Then one of the boys came out of the room and Jonothan also came out too and came to call me to come back to bed. Now at this stage i was like ngaw how sweet he cares about me, that i need sleep. Anyway i went back to bed and this time was completely comfy until another one of the guys jumped into bed and made it squashy again. So Jono was extremely close to me but honestly i didnt care! I was slowly falling asleep when he placed his hand on the side of my hip like lazily and i was like wtfffff! I was like huh?! And then he slowly started to move his arm into place and his hand started to touch my elbow and he kinda like stroked it (ewww chills!), then his chin or forehead was on my back and his leg brushed up on mine. EWW OMFG I CANT THINK ABOUT IT!! And well being who i am i freaked out slightly going omg he is so close to me!! Like im not used to people bein that close to me when im sleeping!! And basically i brushed him off cause i faked waking up and realising his hand was on me and etc and basically moved it back to him which was so rude now that i think about it!!

I have nothing against spooning and nothing against Jonothan but it honestly creeped the shit out of me cause i wasnt used to it!! I reckon Jono thought he should take care of me cause i kinda took care of him when his lip was bleeding cause he got kneed to the face. I think i nearly took care of everyone that night i swear haha i think when im tipsy i am a very caring person (im not bragging or anything! Its what i think!!) I kinda liked being spooned but it was so unexpected and weird and just OMG!! I dunno what to think atm!

I was slightly disappointed that Nikola didnt go to the party but im glad he didnt cause i would have felt weird and uncomfortable! Im so tired right now though! I had 3 hours of sleep and just came home and slept :)

But tomorrow is school again which is sad! And i have to do a speech in front of the whole school -_- I am really really hoping it will rain tomorrow but i dont think that will happen haha Hopefully after some more sleep now i can start tomorrow fresh and feeling good!!

Piss me off

Ok so today my friend jessica had a fight with her boyfriend who is an inconciderate little asswhole who i thought i liked! But he just crossed the line and seriously he cant fucking grow the fuck up!! This is my best friend you are dating and your fucking ruining her life!! A relationship is about two sides and you both should have opinions not just one side!! Men think they can walk all over us! Like fuck no they cant we arent toys we are hot fuckig young women who should have fucking independence!! Fucking kidding me seriously so immature!!

Ok so i have calmed down and decided im gonna speak to him no matter what!! He cant do this to her its not right!! I just wanna listen and know why he did this shit to her!! But i cant believe he can be that immature!!

Bugggssss

Follow up

Ok so this is just a follow up of my previous post. I had some great talks with my sisters and let it out really good! And i now have a better relationship with my sister Fiona whom i always felt most distant from! But i feel happy that i got that worked out!! :)

Also i am so sick right now and i am just dying and not sure if i will survive this week!! but i am hoping i will :) also i am no longer going to linger over nikola and just gonna have fun with life and whatever comes my way i am just gonna live my life have fun and be happy! I do honestly have feelings for nikola still but today even when i saw him and he was near me i didnt care as much and well i didnt care when i talked to him or i made eye contact it just felt normal! But i have to say this, his eyes were amazingly bright today, like a bright bluey green and thats just fucking hot haha

But anyway everything pretty great right now but only thing bad would be my current relationship with my parents and the fact that i am so fucking sick!!

Letting it all out

Today i let out all my feelings way to much and just exploded to my sisters! I told them everything cause i just couldnt deal with them ridiculing me. I had the worst morning and i just taken a bite out of and it honestly really hurt me! So i wrote this long as message to one of my sisters and let it all out! I couldnt deal with them at school so i wrote it when i got home and sent it cause i knew when i would write it i would cry! There are some spelling mistakes and i am sorry for that i was mad and i still am and i was sad and etc.

Look i am honestly sick of hearing that because you guys dont actually know how i feel and what i do in my life! You told me that your the "sister" to go to and speak to but honestly i never speak to you and i know why cause you just had a baby and i understand that! But even though i am extremely happy to be an aunty i want to have "Real" sisters! One which i can talk about my day to ones who i can speak my mind and not get judged on what i say or saying im being stupid just cause you dont understand cause of the generation gap!! The only person in our family i have ever spoken to honestly is Ocean! And i miss her cause of that because i am freaking hell out about the future and my atar and hsc and all these big decisions on changing subjects and it will all come down to one bloody test making up my entire future and i cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about all of this! And you think i can always talk to family, well i cant! I try speak to mum and shes always on her ipad and doesnt understand what im saying, gigi doesnt care and doesnt listen and just pushes me to do hw and study just cause she never ever went out and had fun and want a life and she liked studying!!! And dad well doesnt understand takes things the wrong way and you and fiona dont live here! And you and fiona have your own lives to deal with and theres we adopted child who cames out of no where 16 years later! I come home everyday and lock myself in my room cause i dont want to get into anyones way and i smile and i act sweet, funny  and just plain happy looking but im not! I hide so much in my life that when i have a bad day everything comes out and everyone thinks there is something wrong with me. This is why i dont speak to any of you! when i do you speak to me as a child and give me your opinion on school and how i should do things when i just wanted your support and maybe a hug here and there. We come from different generations which is why i cant talk to you and all you guys telling me how you wished you tried in school is not helping its like i have to live your lives for you and i aint gonna do that! But honestly dont think i am a smiley happy and doing well little sister cause im not and i never will be with sisters like you guys! I just always wanted someone i could talk to and count on someone my age who can give me an opinion without a lecture. But i know, i really know i am not meant to be here and i came into your lives so suddenly and dont fit in with you guys but i didnt ask for this and i would never wish this for anyone! So this is why i dont talk to you guys and heres my life story and now you know that i am not ok all the time and i am not melodramatic cause you guys dont remember the pressure of school and how much things have changed!

All of this is true and its the message of how i really felt! Nothing they say could ever make me feel better and nothing could make me ever actually truely feel apart of this family!

Imagination

I honestly think my imagination is incredibly wild and crazy and huge! I honestly imagine something up so i can forget something or distract myself or just fun sometimes. But the most times they come handy is when i am having a hard time like anyone else. I feel like i do it too much now that i am believing to believe i am happy like in my imaginary world.

Fear?

Today and right now its late and i do really want to sleep, but for some reason i have a fear of falling asleep cause i dont know of how i will feel when i wake up! I am scared i wont get back up on my two feet and move on with my life. I am scared that i wont be able to move from my bed and live my life. I am scared to discover my emotions towards myself and others. I am scared of finding out things i dont want to hear! For that i am just scared!!

When i sleep i dont know what i will dream about! If i want to dream or not, or what happens after i dream a dream i dont want or i do want! I am extremely tired but completely scared, i just hope i can get a good sleep tonight and wake up in a better, happier mood!!

Mind games

Yesterday and today i had a very strange encounter with Nikola. First he was sweet to me yesterday and etc, he spoke to me on fb asking for help in english hw but i said i was busy and etc. But when i said i can help you later if you want he stopped replying. I know he saw the message but he refused to speak to me. And today nothing really happened but he ignored me and didnt talk to me in english or he was obviously in a bad mood but later me and my friend Gina were walking to the station and we were quite far from Nikola. He was crossing the road when we were at the lights and he turned around and we had awkward eye contact. Also before that we had business and it was double so in the break we went to the toilet me and my friend emma and Nikola and his friend Peter were getting sausages on a roll. And they left straight after and when me and emma went back to class and sat down Nikola walked in and looked at me, yet again awkward eye contact. And also when he had walked in at the beginning of the lesson i felt him stare. I just keep having this feeling that he stares at me -_-

Also a few days before his friend Oskar and me were talking and well, remember a while back i said Nikola defended me about my height and we compared heights and he was taller. Well that was after social night and now Oskar also said the same thing cause we compared height but he defended me too but not really. Well this got me thinking that it means nothing that Nikola said that but Jessica explained he defended me while everyone was teasing me and gave me a headache! And whenever i speak about Nikola to someone i also go really red in the face and blush which gives me the shits cause its so embarrassing!!

This boy gives me all sorts of headaches!! One minute being nice to me and then next being an ass!! I want to stop feeling this way about him so i can just have fun and move on with my life!! Pisses me off how stupid i get when i am around him or even talking about him!! And when it comes to him i over analyse every situation involving him -_- I really hope someone better comes around now cause i am sick of these mind games this boy plays!!

I never realised how much it hurts to see the person you like sit there and not even have a second thought of you. I see him on facebook, i see out previous conversation and how he saw it and never replied and it honestly really hurts me to see how much he doesnt care! But i guess i have to get used to it cause its the actual truth!

Alone

Today i had a huge fight with my parents, everything just came rushing up from my system which i had been bottling up. And i am crying writing this you guys.

I am so sick of being alone in this house! I am so fucking scared and fucking depressed about whats coming up next in my future and i had no one to talk to about my pain. I have talked to people at school, Jessica and plenty others but never my family! When i close the door to my room i usually feel content and like i have a great little santuary to myself. But i have realised that i usr that as a cloak to cover what i am truely feeling, alone and closing my door is like closing in my feelings and thoughts to myself. I feel like if i tell people how i feel they wont like me and wont want them in their lives anymore cause i am always to sweet smiley cute funny girl who makes funny jokes and loves her life but i hide everything behind my smile!

When i am home and i am bored no one talks to me! They are usually on their phones, ipads, watching tv or doing something else and when i try to talk to them they just act like they are listening. Right which i realise, is the only thing which i am happy about and the only people whom i love right now are my nephews and nieces, and my beautiful friends. The rest of them can stuff themselves! My nieces and nephews are the only ones that make me happy cause it feels likw they need me and want to be around me, my sisters who dont live with me also keep me happy and make me laugh but i still dont like them cause they are meant to be my sisters!! And honestly they are far from that!!

All i want to do now is die and cry and not deal with anything shitty in my life right now!! I run on a circuit and honestly i do it alone! I am sick of being alone, closed up in my room crying all the time, crying myself to sleep, dealing with people yelling at me and shit! I just want to lie in bed and cry right now but no i have to do my fucking english homework and my teacher obviously hates me and honestly i am sick of the shit!!

Going...

Lately i have been going ith the flow of how i feel when i am around people and just going by my daily shedule. I feel like i have been going to into thw flow than usual! I feel like i have been so comfortable with myself that i keep acting like a doof and acting strange when i am around my friends :( but i also feel like if i dont by the flow i wil lose them all. I think i am really really tired and have a really bad lack of sleep! I wish things were more simply in life!

Sick -_-

I am so tired and angry and just tired cause i seem to keep getting sick and i hate it!! I still go school and i feel terrible all the time!! I cant concentrate cause half the time i have terrible headaches and i just keep smiling and laughing and that honestly doesnt help but i still do it -_-

I think i need and good sleep some good medicine and a good massage!! My body is constantly sore and i really need it! Today i had a locked jaw and OMGOSH it was so sore and i was so scared of talking! I am so tired and i have no idea if i will be able to keep up with my current timetable!

Right now i have no concern for Nikola or any other boys, but they do make me laugh and i reckon i know i just have to be friends with them! Next thing you know next post will be like " OMG Why am i so alone! I want a boyfriend" yada yada yada. But i hope not cause right now i cant deal with them! But today i did notice something and that was Nikola talking to his friend Oskar and him taking something out of his bag and honestly no surprise! Taking out packets of condoms -_- and also learned some alarming news about a few people in my year!!

But right now i am in pain and i cant deal with the bipolar weather and i just keep getting sick and i feel like vomitting! But i am still gonna go school and shit though cause i have to! But my timetable sucks cause i can never be away on any of the days cause i always have important periods on those days!! So i am f*cked and the only time i have to relax is the weekend and i have been doing that alot lately!!

Mentions

Tonight i started reading this book and i realised in the book one kf the characters is going through what i am going through. That is getting over someone and trying not to think about it too much and honestly i have gotten over Nikola!

But just like in the photo i everytime his name is mentioned i turn slightly or slightly look. I cant help this but i have been accepting this and its been happening less often. But the other day he defended me when i was as usual arguing about something stupid with my friend Thanh. And it gave me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. As soon as he did it i felt a rush of heat run through my body and i couldnt help but smile but luckily no one saw. Earlier in the lesson we had, i had really weird eye contact with him, like we looked and turned to each other at the exact same time and it froze for a second and he looked away quickly (he was getting told off so i think he was embarrassed)

Jessica told me maybe he likes me but cant make his mind up about me and i kinda thought that too. Because it felt like he was ignoring me and trying to get away from me all week but i hadnt looked to far into it and thought nothing of it. But after Jessica said that it made me think, I had been getting over him and honestly i didnt care. Even when he spoke to me nothing and i didnt care but that one moment of mention and that one moment he showed chilvary it got me thinking again and tonight i realised will i ever actually get "over" him? I like him and i have admitted that to myself but if he likes me, he needs to do something about it. I told Jessica "if he really likes me, he will do something about it" because i am not gonna wait around for an answer and keep playing these mind games. But most likely i will just get over it cause i think things over too much in my mind. By the end of this weekend i will be back to getting over him and can finally move on :)

Changing it up to belong

Today i also watched the movie Easy A, i watched it cause it was on and i havent watched it in ages and because it was a chick flick, and i needed one. But after watching it i have realise how Olive the main character feels like an outcast and changes herself and lies about who she is to fit in. This reminded of english and our topic Belonging, belonging can actually have many different meanings depending on the person and in Easy A its not really about belonging but about getting noticed.

She gets the attention she is looking for but through a lie which she didnt realise she had created. She carries on the lie till she got hurt and others close to her too. Even though it may not seem like it, or may be more obvious to others than most, she is looking for her belonging and just wants to fit in. Like any good movie at the end she realises her faults reveals the truth to everyone, she comes out a better person and has a cheesy ending with a boy.

Alot of you may be wondering why is she writing about movies and belonging and etc but i have been thinking about it alot lately. I have been thinking of what the meaning of belonging means to me. Today i kind of realised the meaning of belonging to me, "Changing it up to belong" this is the title and its my meaning to me. Meaning sometimes change can be the reason you feel like you belong more.

Last few days been going through a lot and i feel like when i am at school nothing changes nothing is different. Everything is the same and it continues on a cycle, i wish to for something different, sometimes to stand out. I feel like i want to make a change to my life and just try something new out.

Cory Monteith

Today i watched the episode of glee that was a tribute to Finn Hudson. But in real life the life of Cory Monteith. I know i didnt know him and never actually spoke to him or anything but when you have glee amd been such a big fan of him hearing something like his death so suddenly is just so saddening.

The episode had come out last week and people kept saying they cried so badly and now i know why cause my eyes are so swollen that i can bearly open then and my nose so red and swollen from blowing my nose. I had been avoiding it because his death was so sudden and so unreal that i avoided it. I never knew him but he seemed like a person who would always have your back, he made me smile and i would always look forward to seeing him on the show. He always had a presence and just something that everyone loved.

Now that the episode i realise how gone he is and how much everyone loved him even if they didnt know him. His smile, his hair, his jawline and him! In the episode i kept expecting for him to pop up and say im not dead but it didnt happen. I wanted to see him come out in someones dream and sing a song or something because it all just made it too real that people had lost someone to close and so loved.

This made me think of me and that i should cherish everyday i am here and never forget that i am lucky! Even though the way he wasnt the best way, i am not going to remember him for that one little slip up and that one incident. I am going to remember him as who i knew he was, i am going to cherish everyday my life and all others around me because his passing shows no matter how old you are this could be it!

Friends

Today i have realised how much stress i feel and how i feel about school because i was on the verge of crying. My emotions are all over the place, i know why though because i refuse to face them. I refuse to face the real world and i just push things aside. But without my friends i wouldnt be able to get through these tough times. Jessica has honestly been a amazing and i worry for her cause she gets sick so much. I feel like i need to take care of her and that i have a duty to do that haha weird.

But someone who i nearly forgot about is Joseph my great guy friend who listens to my rants gives me great advice and always manages to make me laugh. He is almost like another jessica but a less ghetto one haha but he feels like a brother to me :)

I am so greatful and happy that i have both these people in my life right now! I feel like i need to do something for them!!

OMG

OMGOODNESS!!! I sent an email to weeklychris thanking him for how he has helped pull my mind off the stress of everything and he replied!!!! I FEEL SO HAPPY!! I feel like crying cause im so happy hahaha he is such an amazing person and he is cute but such an amazing person!! Even though all he does is do youtube videos he can save lives and make them a whole lot better!! :D

OMG I CANT BELIEVE HE REPLIED HAHAHA YAYAYAYAAY

Family

Today i told my sisters that i have been quite stressed lately. But lately i have felt pretty close to them and it feels great but one thing i have always, i guess needed and wanted to do was to tell them how i feel about my relationship with them. Everytime i tell them something about myself and they say i love you or they say they are here for me, it brings tears in my eyes cause i feel close to them, touched and that they care about me. Well i am gonna write today a "letter" which i wanted to tell them today.

Dear My darling older sisters,
I honestly love you all! I know you say that i shouldnt look up to you guys but i do! And i know i do because i miss you guys so much all the time! I usually only get to see Julie ans Fiona once a week and my nieces and nephews too! But this week i missed you guys so much! And i honestly really wish to see your guys all the time because you make me laugh and dont make me feel pressured!

I especially miss my nephews and nieces and it honestly make me cry that i cant see them whenever i want and whenever i can but i do understand why but i still really miss them and you guys! I have fun with my family and that way i dont feel so alone. Our house feels so empty, when i am bored or i feel stresses and want someone to talk to or someone to just interact with i have no one! Gigi (my oldest sister whome lives with us we call her that! Thats not her name!) is always in her room and doesnt know how to interact with me without bringing up school and stuff. I am tired and i feel like all my energy has been sucked away. This week and the last few weeks i have been dealing with some important decisions and thats my hsc subjects, changing them, drop this subject and then pick up this subject. Its really annoying and frustrating and on top of all of that i have been helping my friends with their decisions and its just so sad!! I honestly just miss you guys and wish you were here so i could talk with yous! Love you guys so much and i care for all of you so much and when you guys Say or love me or something i feel so loved and great and i tear up! I know its weird! Dont judge :(

So this is my letter to my sisters, i know i have more but i cant think of it right now :/

Why

Title is why because i dont understand why other people have to deal with so much in their lives while i sit here dying and being an idiot in my room complaining about my nothing boy problems! i just want things to go well for the ones i loves and for them not to get hurt! Cause when i see them hurt, i feel hurt and i just cant bear and watch it and have no control over it and do nothing with myself!!

Drama Queen

So the title for this post is drama queen and the drama queen here is me! I am so dramatic and make a big deal out of everything like Nikola I like him but right i dont care but when i did care he would walk past and i would be like "OMG Did he want to talk to me" and shit like that! Just not as dramatic, i would make scenarios in my head and stuff thinking what it would be like if he actually liked me and shit. I feel like i am such a drama queen and i make a big deal out of nothing when my friends go through so much more.

I have a question to everyone, what do you when your friend is pissed/upset and cant seem to make them feel better and not know what to do? Sometimes when my friends go through something i would just like for them to live here for a while and relax so they wont deal with their problems. I am not saying i have a perfect life, i am just saying they can relax here and i can make them laugh and have fun and forget :) Not sure what to do now though, Im not happy when my friend isnt happy!! I feel like when someone is upset i feel upset with them and have nothing to do, nothing to contribute :'(

Physical attraction

Few days ago i saw this youtube video of this really cute, sweet, goodlooking, talented and hot guy and i told Jessica to watch his video and yes she agreed he was cute! But i kinda fell in love with him because of his eyes!! But his talent and his voice just won me over!! I admit i first loved his looks and everything but his voice is crazy awesome!! But Jessica said " wow girl you really care about the looks" and i was like yes but no! Because if a guys is crazy goodlooking and his personality is shit then it doesnt make sense to go out with him!! Honestly though, WeeklyChris is the name of his channel and OMG I love him!

I am attracted to coloured eyes but give me a simple cheeky smile can make me fall head over heels for a guy! I just said if looks and personality dont match up then no no but with Nikola his looks and his personality kinda dont match up. I guess i am attracted to his looks but he always was sweet to me and we had a connection so thats another way for me to like a guy. The attraction and connection with a guy is honestly something that can make me fall for a guy!

Also when guys have confidence when they speak to you but not too much cause girls dont usually like cocky guys! But when a guy has confidence to make jokes and makes a girl laugh he should have it in the bag. Laughing is one of the best cures for anything so guys with a sense of humour is a yes!

Guys who have common sense to comfort a girl and make her feel safe and secure is also a yes. No girl wants to feel insecure about themselves and wants to feel like they need to change themselves for a guy cause its wrong! Girls  still wanna be independent when dating a guy!

So in conclusion a simple smile, some kind of connection, confidence, sense of humour and common sense can get a guy a date with me. Not sure about other girls but this is my list for a guy. If a guy has all of this but its all for show and his a jerk well ill be walking away a strong independent women! And i am sure all girls would be! The title of this post is physical attraction and yes looks go far but only so far. If a guy has all these little things in his personality then its just a plus if he is goodlooking! Girls may look at a guys looks but that just gets there attention, but when the girl actually starts to speak to you thats when things get hard! So Guys dont be a douche and play with a girls heart cause i am sure your gonna get hurt too! And Girls dont fall for those douches, keep your head held high and show them that your an independent strong women :)

Sisters

Today was one of my sisters birthday, Fiona the one before me. I was never actually close to her, i was always more close to my other sisters. Today when i went to see her it was fun and nice cause i actually spoke to her and it was fun and i felt close to her. We had some great laughs and i nearly choked laughing at her HAHA I am glad i have her as a sister and all the others of course but especially glad that shes here too cause shes the only one who defends me and has fun. I can relax and muck around and have fun with her while i feel constantly watched when im with my other sister. Im really happy i have her and i just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her :)

Lonely

The reason for the title isnt because im lonely but it kinda is. I actually couldnt think of a name for the post so i named it lonely cause im listening to akons Mr lonely :P Well I am stuck in bed this afternoon and im tired, sore and lonely.

I miss my family right now! They are here but i want to see them but instead i lie in bed :P Right now i wanna have a movie marathon and lie in bed with popcorn and ice cream :) wish Jessica were here right now so we can watch rom coms and talk and get fat haha but i wish my mum would lie in bed with me and we could watch a movie and talk :P I want to cuddle right now with someone haha

At the moment i feel like i should give up on Nikola and move on! Because i think he likes someone and a lot so im just gonna remain friends because i hate it when things get weird!!!

Dreams

Im scared to fall asleep! I dont know what to expect when i do, i feel like im in a place where i dont know whats next and how to fix it or how to escape! I have this weird feeling when i dream that something weird and bad happened in my dream. I wake up going WTF! But then 5 minutes later completely forget, so i dont know what happens. But when i am near specific people i feel strange and confused! Sometimes i have this urge to cry out, sometimes give them a hug! All this, does it mean something bad happened?

I want to know so i can sleep in piece! But usually when im near Nikola i can tell he was in my dream but for some reason i feel like it was only his face, his eyes staring at me but i am so confused thinking about it! I think the stress is getting to me and i feel like im ready to blow but i am so confused!

Being independant

Ok... today and yesterday had done some thinking. My personality at the moment is that im insecure, lonely, a baby and no confidence whats so ever and also that i can get extremely guilty!! I am trying to work out how to change these things and believe in myself more!

I dont want to change who i am but i want to feel better about myself. This is the way i think 'if no one else thinks im pretty, smart or normal or someone they could trust and hang out with, then what am i? And why am i here?' These are the questions i ask about myself, i want to cry cause i feel so damn insecure! (But that may be cause my monthlies are around the corner) By the end of this year or at least be on my new years resolution list that i become more confident and loved about myself.

New years resolution! Being more confident and happy about myself and end the year being happy not insecure!!

Lonely Paths

Ok i am posting one more today because i am a little sad and disapointed in my friends and just everyone at this moment. Honestly when i walk into a room i feel like an instant outsider! In english we are learning about belonging and all i know is that i dont belong anymore to anyone or group of people! Im just always there cause i try to belong!

I am so freakin depressed and sad because i am in no classes with any of my old friends and in most of my classes i am a big fat loner!! And its sad to think none of my friends realise! I always go up to them instead of my classmates and they dont realise that i want to be with them and be left out!

Everytime i think about it, it brigs tears to my eyes and anger! NO UNDERSTANDS HOW ALONE I FEEL!! I feel alone in my own house and family and every where i go i feel alone!! My worst nightmare isnt sharks! Its being alone, for the rest of my life and just having no one! At these times i cry and let it out but it makes me feel even worse cause im alone in all of this and have to deal with every little shit by my fucking self!

My problem is even though i have all these feelings i can never tell people how i feel! I want them to feel better not me! When im at home and feeling alone i curl up into a little ball and hide under my blankets and just sit still. I know i have issues, especially with feeling alone!

My whole life i have felt alone! When i was born it was like i was born in a different era and completely isolated from the world and the others. My sisters dont consider me as there sister even though they say they do instead i feel like a distant daughter who is completely insane! My sisters were talking about me and my birth and how i grew up and they remember all this cause they practically raised me but im sick of it! IM SICK OF FEELING LKE THIS! FEELING LIKE AN OUTSIDER! LIKE IM NOT MEANT TO BE HERE!!!!

Wake up call

I have had a wake up call and realised this past week that i honestly certifiably crazy. The boy whom i like, i shall reveal his name cause its stupid to keep sayig the boy, is Nikola and yes i thought that was a girls name at first too.

Lately i havent actually gona crazy over him or swooned over him but more like few glances kinda thing. But today Jiji whos real name is Jessica, explained to me a situation she had with him. She explained that she finally realised how buff he looks and as soon as she said it i couldnt stop thinking about it! He was playing sport today and all i have to say is DAMN SON!!

I have this weird feeling like he wants to speak to me but doesnt but after all its just a feeling. He is hot, bad boy, sweet boy, and just Cute boy sometimes but right now i feel like i cant be bothered anymore.

Recently i have been feeling lonely and sick and sorry for myself (i seriously am selfish!) I keep thinking about Nikola and my family and friends and school and how i feel alone while real people out there are dealing with bigger stuff! But to sooth myself and live a life more exciting and fun and full of energy is through my books. I have taken up reading again and it has honestly been the best! Its the one place where i can escape and become the character in the book and be interesting than the dull, selfish, lonely person i am on the outside.

Reading keeps me from thinking about everything in my life, in detail. Its my safe place, inside my head, where i can be whom i want!

I know im lost and confused and plain dumb but i cant escape this world anymore. I used to be able to forget it cause i was always preoccuppied but now it seems like everything is getting to me! But book are my saviour and my life at this moment in time! Chao now :P

On the road to recovery

I have some time to think and i am taking the steps to moving on with my life. First step was actually admitting to myself and a few friends that I actually like him! And now i just need to be comfortable with this and move on. Even though he is in half of my classes i just need to deal with it and face that nothing will ever happen between us!!

My next steps is getting on with my life and thinking of me. Think of my future and work out my plan for it.

But i have realised i feel really really alone! I have no one to speak to of how i am dealing with stuff and how sad i feel all the time. I feel like i am just dragging my friends lives down with my problems when i really have nothing figured out. I feel like there is nothing left for me out there in the world, just me and my sad depression. I dont know what to do and how to feel cause i am so confused.

Tonight i have realised that i have so many issues with being alone. I just want someone else to speak with and talk to cause right now i feel really lonely. I want someone there to listen to me and tell me things are fine and love me. In english the topic is belonging and i have realised i have always felt alone. I feel empty inside when no one is there for me or for me to be. I nearly cry myself to sleep every night knowing im alone. I have no idea why im like this cause im being stupid and other people have real problems!!

Even with all this i am recovering and been feeling kinda better about things but i still feel so stressed. I really want someonethere for me, for me to speak to and communicate with! I am keeping my self distracted but it doesnt seem to make me feel better. I know i am close with Jiji and this year we seemed to have grown closer but rn i feel like someone in her life whose annoying her. She has problems on her own and i talk about mine?! Now thats being selfish and stupid!! In my eyes i am damaged and only care about my self centered self.

But this is the one place where i can speak truthfully and let out what i know about myself. I am just realise my future and how to move of with my life while being alone.

First day

Today was the first day back to school and it seemed normal. I only had about two hours of school today and i gotta say it was boring. Starting year 12 is tiring cause you get many lectures and "talks" from teachers about what we should be doing and etc.

Two big things which i would have loved to have avoided would be (1) Getting results back fron any subject about my yearly exams. And (2) Seeing the guy who pops into my head quite alot. Its kinda hard to avoid both, getting results back always happens unless the teacher keeps forgetting and etc. And seeing the guy cant be avoided cause he is basically in all my classes.

But other than those few issues the day was fine :) I was kinda happy to see him but i wasnt sure how i was feeling towards and about him. I felt like i wanted to see him and talk to him but at the same time didnt really need to bother, so i was confused. I know for sure that i still have some kind of interest in him cause I keep looking over or trying to listen to him haha. Right now im not sure and i want to  speak to Jiji about him but for now i need to wait to be sure im over him or im into him. But i know if i was into him i cant do it, and i couldnt actually date him!! I dunno what to think anymore and i am very confused! It felt like he wanted me to walk with him this afternoon and that he wanted to talk to me and get my attention but its all in my head! At least it had to be... he seemed much more sweeter and back to himself after the holidays, which made me smile but feel strange inside like i do like him but i dont.

I did alot of stationary shopping today and bought alot which i am pleased with :) and when i got home i felt like painting so i decided to start painting a bit and its there on the screen. I am not sure what it says or what its about i just tried to paint abit. When i get bored this is what i do.

To summarise today, i felt confused, sad and angry but hopefully tomorrow i will have a better day :)

Blogging so far…

Blogging so far has been a great help to get my emotions and actually talk about all the things happening in my life. Its been like a month since i started blogging and i read back on my previous posts and realised everything again.

I realised why i liked the boy, why i hate my sisters sometimes and most of all why i dont want to grow up! I am scared of everything right now and how everything will turn out when i go back to school. Looking back at old posts i realise why i like the boy and if i go back i probably will fall for him but right now doesnt seem like i will. I am so worried about all my subjects and how things will turn out for my future.

I have school tomorrow and i am worried, because i get my results back from my exam and the boy and etc. Wish i knew what i was doijg with my life instead of just waiting for whats coming next and not having a plan. I am seriously terrified of the future, hsc and whats coming next. Growing up is honestly a terrible thing to think about, i dont want to face the real world i just want to remain in this time and place. Growing up also means growing old and facing all the things i dont want to face and eventually death. But i know everyday i could die, i could turn a corner and car crashes me,i could get bitten by a snake etc. All these terrible images on ways to die, honestly terrifing, but if i knew my future and fate i would probably rather not know cause it could be anything.

I really feel like i need someone, someone there for me to lean on and ask advice and get comfort from. I wish for my sisters to be there for me and to help me and understand what i am going through. Going through this alone honestly hurts, they dont have to go through it with me but if they could understand me and help me through it. I am so scared!! I want them to be here and i want to easily talk to them but i cant.

Honestly sometimes i want him to be here for me to talk to, for me to cuddle with and him to understand me. These are all the things i wish for and everything i want but life isnt easy and i am just asking to be spoon fed. Its wrong for me to think that way! I feel so alone, so sad and alone, i wish for just someone whom can help me! For them to tell me i can do and make it through this life.

Tomorrow i am hoping i can do this, and i am hoping i can make it through the week and term!! Hopefully " I got this!" this has become my new catch phrase. I really hope i can do it tomorrow and not have feelings for this guy and also face my exam results!!

Life, right now?

My life at the moment is muddled. Its more of my thoughts which are muddled. At this moment i am not sure what i am here for and what i am living for. I dont want to sound arrogant or high class but i get spoon fed a lot of things in my life. Right now i kinda want some guidance to what i should do, just a little push in the right direction not a tour through life. I have been kinda distant these days, kinda away from the world and life.

I dont really text and talk to Jiji much anymore, and when people talj to me nowadays i dont really pay attention. I am always lost in thought and blocking everything out, i feel distant from everyone else. Last few posts i talked about school and how i kinda have inspiration and motivation yo try again at school but really i am still lost. Everyone i know has a goal set for their future but for me i just wanna have fun, not grow up and live a little. But i am sick of the way i am living right now, i just want to be like everyone else and know what i want out of life. Right now being here doesnt sound like a good idea, especially if i dont serve a purpose.

I know i am a mistake, a surprise to the family, an accident. It makes me embarrassed and sad cause i have no one and feel left out. If i was really meant to be here, i want to know why already. I need a purpose, a reason for me to try and for me to live and be here. I am so distant from anyone and scared of the future that i dont know what to do with myself half the time. I have school in like 2 days and i havent even bought books and stuff for school.

I know the reason as to why i fixate on the guy whom i have a crush on or what ever. Its because i am hoping that at any moment he sweeps me off my feet and surprises me and guides me through life, for him to change for me and show me thats what i can do to a person. He flirts with me, he smiles at me and he shows me the side i used to know, why cant i think he cares and can change for me and show me who he really is? No, Because this is a childs dream and i was no longer a child anymore...

Relief?

Today i learnt a valuable lesson and got a hint of inspiration. My valuable lesson was have fun while you can but learn as much as you can. My hint of inspiration was from my cousins Bridget and Rachel whom are doing their hsc right now. Watching and hearing both of them working so hard has given me some motivation. My inspiration was my cousin Bridget getting into the university she wanted to get into! This gave me a wake up call that in a year or so i will be doing my hsc! And i will be graduating :(

The first thing i need to do is find my main goal. Before it was to get an atar of 80 and above but now i want to find a more specific goal and so i can move up to it. For now its to bring up my bad subjects which are maths, english and biology, but i also want to excel in business studies and modern history. I need to work hardest on is maths and biology but seeing the subjects i can decide which subject i want to drop and etc.

My english is the one i want to work on. Back in primary school i used to need to go have special lessons with a teacher cause i was that dumb. But it got much better. And ever since i stopped reading it? So i want to start my reading up again!!

Goal is to get organised and keep on track. At least i have a small part of my goal :(

The end is near

The end is near is the title of this post and it has nothing to do with the world or my life. The title represents my holiday life, since its my last year of school and i am classified as a year 12 its my last real school holidays. And the holidays are nearly over :( There are a few reasons why i dont want to go back to school.

Firstly its my last year and well its scary thinking i am gonna graduate and not have school in my life anymore. Last year where i have to try hard to get good marks to get into university. I find it pressurable at times to try and i freak out thinking about it too much.

Secondly i dont want to see the boy, i dont want to see his face and have my feeling come back. I aint to sure if it wont happen cause its happened before. When i went paintball i was expecting to see him but i didnt see him and was slightly disapointed but mostly was happy. Because otherwise it would distract me.

I have been sleeping at my cousins and it has been fun. But i felt so guilty in the morning of paintball because i missed my train and my poor aunty had to drive me to the place where we were meant to meet. My guilt was eating me up all day it was terrible. But later at night i had a little to drink for the first time and i realised i get red in the face and was sleepy quickly, probably cause it was wine not like shots and stuff.

I am definitely not looking forward to school because i feel like i just started my life and it ends now. As in my social life and friends and well partying. Honestly you dont have a teenage life without experiencing these things.

Not angry, not sad, just want to be left alone..

Sometimes i just like to be left alone. Its not because i am angry or sad, its just i like to be left alone!

When i am angry i like to be left alone but i vent to someone in the end. When i am sad i end up having a good cry or think and ends up talking to someone. But when i want to be left alone it just means i want to escape reality and live in my thoughts for awhile.

When i am alone i think of all these different senarios and possibilities even though i know its not real. Even though being alone can be lonely, i live and think in my mind. Being alone is my time and its the time where i can be and who and what i wanna be. But the bad thing about being alone is that the end result you feel sad, angry or just plain emotional. Cause when your alone you think of the "what ifs", "maybe if", "the i dont have this" and "the wish i had this".

I finished watching a show called awkward and it had a segment or episodes main question or statement "think about yourself". This got me thinking of me and so i am, i am gonna stand up for myself and try to fit in and not let anything as stupid and boys out of my mind.

Memories

I keep thinking of the guy whom i seem to be hung up on still. But all i think are about are the good memories of him even though i know thats all they are memories! All these memories doesnt mean it he will suddenly change tomorrow and become a nice guy. All i see in these memories are the good parts! All these memories make me think he hasnt changed he is still the same but i am wrong! I want to think i can change him and he can go back to who he was but its not gonna happen for me! That stuff only happens in movie! I keep thinking its all an act and he is actually a really nice guy but i know its not. Deep deep inside my heart i know he hadnt changed that much but the rest of my heart right now knows he had!

Today i read back on my previous posts on my blog and reading them, i know i am finally over him! The only reason i bring him up and think i like him is because i feel lonely and just want someone else to tell me everything will be ok. Now i know though that staying in the past wont help me grow and become a better person and become who i truely am!

Even though i know i shouldnt stay in the past, today i have been thinking of memories. And all the memories i have are sweet. Like the memory of meeting Jiji, even though i thought we were so different and that our personalities didnt match and she was a pretty strong character. I got to know her and i realised a bit of who i am and she brought out that part and made me feel comfortable with who i am. Which is loud and more like her than i thought. I used to be loud to get attention and friends but now i realise i am loud and stuff because i like to be. Learning about myself and who i am and trying to figure that out was all thanx to Jiji and i owe her deeply!

I know the staying in the past is bad but learning from it and thinking back on it isnt... right?! I have been thinking of things and doing things for myself and i am taking it serious to find out who i really am! Even though i have alot coming up in the next week, tomorrow is my relax day! I am hoping i can live through the next week and survive! But i am so happy because on sunday i am going to be able to hang out with Jiji! I havent seen her in so long but even though we talk to each other everyday i feel so distant cause our texts are blant.

I hope i accomplish something this holidays and learn to think of me and only me for a while and be confident enough to know i dont need a man in my life! That i can stand on my own two feet! Even though staying in the past is not the answer, looking back on it and seeing how i have grown and matured helps find the answer :)

Why do i try…

Today i realised why do i try? Why is it i try so hard to fit in? Why is it that i try and make an effort to get up and make plans with people? Why is it that i try and get boys attention when i know they dont care? Why do i care and try so hard for peoples attention, friendship, love and just fit in somewhere? My to all these questions is i should just stop and not care about anything!

Right now i am lost and tired! I dont want to think to much and care so much anymore! I just wanna have fun, laugh and enjoy life! All i did today was go beach and relax woth an old friend, and even though i told her all my problems and issues she didnt bring them up! Which made me feel good about myself and gave me time to think, all i really need to do is relax! I realised i am always so tensed up and worried about what others think of me and how i should look and act. But i need to relax more and keep calm, i just want to feel good about myself!

When school starts again i am just gonna relax and keep my cool. Go with the flow and concentrate on school :) not on what others think of me! But since its holidays i am just gonna sleep and enjoy whats coming next :) I feel excited to whats coming next, I am not gonna keep going out and making plans for the holidays but if i do its just to go beach to relax. I overthink and complicate my own life but really i should just keep calm and go with the flow, like when i am jumping and diving over and under waves at the beach :)

The thing i am looking forward to next is abit of shut eye which i am about to get :)

...

life is so confusing, one minute happiest person on the Earth, next minute sad, depressed or just confused. This line is accurate to how i have been feeling lately. When i go out and have fun i am happy, but when i come home and think back on my day i aint so happy, i wouldnt say depressed or sad, i would just say lost.

Lately i feel very lost as to who i am and what to make of myself. Right now and probably tomorrow i will feel the same. But tomorrow i am going out with an old friend whom i can always rely on, Han and she was always there to listen and talk to and gave me good advice. The reason i am so excited to see her is that she moved schools and havent spoken to her much but now i get to tomorrow which makes me so excited and happy.

Tomorrow i am going to talk to her about everything! Even the boy, because the only person who knows about this guy is Jiji. I know i can trust Han, i always have, she is also like Jiji but a much more older and mature friend. With Jiji she is like my sister around my age but Han is like my older friend whom i get advice and good talk with. Not that Jiji doesnt give good advice but even though Jiji knows me, Han has known me longer.

Today i went out with my friend and we had lots of fun! We went to a fancy restaurant and then to the aquarium but i felt like something was missing from the whole day. The day seemed to go so fast and i seemed to be running behind. Right now i just wanna be happy and know my purpose, know why things are he way they are. Sometimes i feel like i need to change myself to fit the situation but i know thats not the real me. I feel so lost lately i seem to be doing that and i feel so icky. I feel like crying tonight but doing that would make me feel worse, so i just sit here playing on my phone, looking up at the ceiling falling into my thoughts or either to sleep. Wish i knew what i was meant to be and actually have fun and be happy.

My life is so confusing rn it sucks!! I just want to live but i cant seem to. I used to think this is how things would happen in high school; fall in love, boy actually likes me, smart, be good at sports, and just be plain popular. But high school is so different from how i would imagined and none of that has happened yet!

Hopefully tomorrow is good and fun!! :) just want a bit of restrospective!

Fun day

Today i hung out with my cousins and it was pretty great hanging with them since i hadnt really spoken to them in ages!! It has been so fun this holidays but i just wanna have a rest for a bit. I have been going out everyday lately and i am exhausted! I dont like being at home, alone and doing nothing but sometimes i would really like to rest.

The reason i am blogging is cause i like to blog and right now i am bored. Since this afternoon i have had a massive headache and its killing me! But i think its slowly going away cause i am slowly falling asleep. There is one thing which i am confused by and that is, if i keeping checking someones accounts and social media does that mean i like them or am i crazy?

I am not sure what i want and what i want to do right now but i think i am going sleep soon!! I have been watching the show awkward recently and it is such an awesome show!! Its a great show but its really cheesy and cute but i really dont need that rn!! I think i am about to fall asleep!! I have nothing really interesting to blog tonight and i am just gonna have a alittle sleep now :)

Beach day

Today went to the beach with a couple of friends. Had a pretty great time! The waves at the beach was awesome!! I had lots of fun and the best part was i didnt think to much and just had lots of fun! The highlight of my day was the beach and the awesome waves, the not highlight of the day was hearing Jiji being sad and pissed.

I had such a great time today cause i didnt think about the boy and i just had fun at the beach! What i know for a fact is that the beach is like my comfort zone! Since i have been overthinking so much the beach fixed that and i no longer had any thoughts in my mind! The only thing on my mind was i feel so fat in this bikini, and all my friends are sl skinny why am a couch potato around them -_- but other than that i had fun swimming and diving and talking and playing in the sand!!

The heartbreak of the day is hearing my best friend get so happy and excited about something and only to get shut down! Jiji and her bf have been going out for a while now but earlier this year they had fights, like big ones and hearing them would break my heart! One of the people i care about most in my life is Jiji and without her i wouldnt be around. So the natural thing is i want her to be happy and i tried so hard to help but i am not sure how! Even though her and her bf dont know it they are perfect for each other and fit together so well! I am not sure how to help them but i am just hoping they both get on the same page and stay together longer.

Tbh i never thought her and her bf would break up before the end of the year. But looking at them now and hearing and witnessing there talks and stuff, they belong together and just need to get along with each other differences. Its true he needs to trust more though. But watching them i dont think they should break up cause they are obviously crazy about each other and cute when together! I know they both have doubts about there relationship but they need each other!! Of course this is just my oppinion!

So the hightlight again was the beach and day at the beach, weather and etc. The bummer of the day was hearing my best friend got all sad!

Quotes

Today's post is about a few quotes i have come by which have really told my story for myself.

The first image in the corner is about how i feel alot lately. Even though how i feel is terrible i smile and basically decieve everyone and put on a show for everyone but really i am pretty messed up inside.

Second image describes Jiji my bestie. Feel stupid saying bestie, cause i sound so childish. Well moving back to the quote, well she knows everything about me and i know everything about her! Like everything!! We are so comfortable with each other not afraid to say i farted or fart in front of each other, which is creepy haha. But in other words she is basically like my sister and i love her! If she wasnt here i would probably have reaorted to cutting or gone crazy! She is the one and only girl whom really really gets me!! LOVE YOU JIJI!! :)

The middle photo is basically how i feel/felt (still trying to decide) about the guy. He makes me smile just because he smiled. But the thing is he has no idea and he probably doesnt even notice me or know that i am there! I honestly really wish for something to happen between us, for him to change, for him tl notice me and for him to actually like me. Honestly i sound desperate and that i like him but right now i dont care and i am slowly moving on but when i see him this is how i feel and how he makes me feel but for now its nothing.

The bottom left photo describes my personality. When i fall for someone i fall hard but i spend alot of time deciding if i should or not or if i even have a chance but that way i overthink! I care about others way too much, i feel i need to help them or talk to them and make them feel better! But in doing so i trust easy and get hurt so easily!

Last photo, right hand bottom photo. This image is the one i am contiplating over. Because its about him! And i find it hard to believe this logic but am hoping its true! Because i am hoping in the future he changes and matures, enough for him to be in a relationship with me. I wish for this to happen soon but some miracles dont happen overnight!  Jiji says it might happen cause we never actually know whats a head of us.

All these quotes are from twitter and i have been tweeting lately :) it helps me get out my small bursts of anger. But these quotes each have a great sense of my head, who i am, and my heart.

Who am i?

I said i was over him and i dont care but hearing the news of him not coming made me shake?! I dont know why i did and why i sat there staring at the message. This was my sign that i can move on and that its right to do so. I really am hoping coming back to school and seeing him i wont fall for him or anything! I was in way over my head! But i still have this part of me which wishes for him to come, for him to speak to me, to rock up at my place and ask to go to the park, anything even see him but that just makes me a desperate person!

Everyone thinks of me so cheerful and happy but underneath the smile i am crying out for someone who can be there and listen and hold me and tell me all the things i want to hear. I know i have issues of feeling alone and being sad, thats why i follow and listen and am always there for people. I just want to stop feeling alone, sitting in my room listening to music annoying my friends with my texts, running around the house trying to get my parents attention, trying to make plans with people. I hold onto every shred of hope i have when i speak to him cause then i wont have to face the truth, then i wont have to break down crying!

The thing which i should probably be doing more of is crying cause it always fixed everything and helped me feel better but now all i do is hide behind my smile, hide from everyone even myself. I am so lost my words make no sense, i just switch off and lie down and sleep instead of facing all my thoughts cause im so scared they will consume me. I have great, fantastic, awesome best friends and friends but telling them everything feels like im just burdening them with my problems, pushing them away from me and in the end them looking at me like i am some kind of strange mentally diranged creature. So i smile and laugh and tell jokes, that way everyone is happy even me cause i play along and believe myself.

To be honest i probably seem like the most mental person ever right now but i know for sure that i am lost and confused. I am not sure what i want and what i need to do or want to do i just do what i am best at and that is following and trying to fit in. I do it my whole life and i change myself to fit the situation but i want to know how i Really am!