So Saturday night and well im left alone again without my bestfriend, my friends or the guy whom I thought was into me. Because it seems no guy has ever been into me and my friends I always drive them away from me. Right now im lostas who I am and what to do because no one has ever truely loved me.

left alone...

The last few nights I have talked to someone who makes me feel special and well was starting to feel as if I was able to lean on that person and rely on that person. Because I know me I knew from the beginning I would get attached too quickly, after all it has been a couple of nights and tonight I feel alone. This person didn't really reply today, yes I don't know what is happening in their life right now or what they are thinking but it would be nice to be given an explanation as to why there is no reply. I see them go online when I go off and when I go on they go off, I can't help feel insecure, as if I have done something wrong. Because tonight once again I felt alone, felt left all alone again...

Pets

There are times in our lives where we go through losses... losses of family , close friends, and like me right now the question of putting down a pet. I find this one of the hardest because you cant speak to them and ask them what they want but when you look into their eyes you can see the pain they are in. My whole life I've lived with dogs, from the moment I was born I had a dog, I wasnt a whiny kid asking for a dog because I already had one. The question or idea of losing one kills me, I've lost a dog before and honestly I'll never forget her! But the idea of losing another one is beginning to slowly rip me apart, afterall I've lived with them my whole life!! The idea of losing someone or something close to you in your life is like losing your left arm, it slowly rips off and rips you apart not knowing what to do any more! I've spent my morning bursting into tears thinking of the possibilities after today, the fact that I might never see her again makes me want to explode, I dont know what to think or do now.

Pressure

Pressure is something that comes with the word hsc or exams. I am not sure if everyone feels this way but the pressure of an exam and its result weighs solely on your abilities. So im not worried about what others think but I feel the worrying or the stress solely comes from the fact that the results judge your ability to study and to do well in exams. But yes these exams dont judge your life or anything but they do tell you your ability and well this scares me. Coming face to face with my brain, is how I like to think of it. Im not really smart, im not a logical person, I like to think of things like emotions and things outside of the box. But these exams will tell me if I have the ability to study and do well or be consistent in uni, if ill be able to cope with whats to come. Yes hsc doesnt judge your life, yes im young and I can make mistakes because I have a lifetime ahead of me. But doesnt mean this exam isnt important, especially to me. Though others have told me to not worry as it doesnt pick my career or my future life for me, its still important! This is probably because im young, young foolish. Because these things can be forgotten quicker than it happened. But to me right now they seem important, probably like any other kid. To us this is like the exam into the real world, and what we decide on the other side is our ticket to happiness. We know no better, because we are young and we have been spoon fed this information, of universities and the prestige of going to uni. We dont know of anything else.But yes this is what I believe to be pressurre, because you cant feel it without it being planted into your head with you believing it at a young age! But this hsc and these exams are planted into our heads that, this is whatwwill decide your future and your ticket to the real world, this exam is purely to test your abilities,if you will survive or not!

What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I dunno...

deja vu

Things are becoming awkward with Jessica and i hate it cause even though she says she will never leave i dunno if i can believe it cause its already happened before. I dont want the same thing with Taiesha to happen again and i dont want to lose Jessica!! I wasnt talking to her properly and texting her properly because i was disappointed with her. She cancelled again and well it really hurt. It felt like she didnt even want to really hang with me. First Gina dogged me then she cancelled and we rescheduled but got cancelled again. This holidays started on a bad note guess its gonna end on a bad note too. Really feels like the world hates me. My sister said im an awkward person and i knowi am but what the fuck am i supposed to do about it! When i have friends i am always loyal to them! I hate to lieto people close to me, so if i tell a lie then ruins my life! I wad raised as the last child, 16 years apart from my other sisters, of course i feel fucking awkward!! It didnt feel great as a kid being the youngest always gettig shit!! Even at school i was the runt of the group all i ever did was sit there and listen to them talk, i never ever intervened! I just wanted friends and to fit in back then! I really wanna just give on life! Or at least this life! Ijust wanna die haha, not the first time heard that right haha I dont wanna not have Jessica in my life anymore! She has been the most amazing person in my life! Someone to rely on and someone i could ALWAYS talk to!! What am i gonna do with my life.

I dunno

I have drinking tonight! Jessica went out drinking so I thought I should join her hahaha but Im kinda dead not drunk but dead hahaha I feel cool hahaha I miss nikola and I wanna know what people are doing cause my life is sooooooo boring im tired and dead and I miss everyone I feel like im left out. I am not sure what I actually feel cause im just depressed these days instead of happy wtf?? probably because I haven't gone out in sooooo long hahahahahaha im tired and diizzzyyyyy hahah I just want someone to cuddle and be happy with I feel like life is over. Jessica is having so much fun with all the boys and girls and other friends. she is socializing a lot and it is sadto call me a girl a single girl more like despirato goooriiillll hahahabbjdaadkwa I deadddd helpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp hahahaha im so lonely hahha I haven't gone out of this house in 3 weeks hahaha im losing my mind staying in here haha I feel lonely and sad and I want to run away to somewhere where I can actually be meeeee hahaha well that's it gues hhaha have fun tonight hehe

Awkwardness

Honestly lately i have been really awkward among my friends. And well i dont speak to many of them anymore. Well Mily used to be one of my really good friends but now i just dont think we are. I havent had a proper conversation with her in ages and whenever i do get the chance to talk to her its awks and its just small talk :(

I am even like this with some of my close friends which is honestly sad :( i think i need help in my life!

Tall

Honestly I hate being tall!! People keep saying to be that being tall is good but honestly it sucks!! I used to think being tall was good but after I kept growing to be extremely tall I hate it, absolutely hate it!! The main issue I have with being tall is people ridiculing me about being tall, like seriously fuck off I don't want to be this tall, I didn't choose to be this tall it just happened!! Like sometimes I want to scream at people and punch them in the face and say "If your gonna tease me so much about my height, then fuck off just because you cant grow this fucking tall isn't my fucking problem!!". One of the main reasons I hate my height is because when I go to school and I get teased about my height but when I come home to my family I also get teased like "Fuck off Mum its you that made me this fucking height not me!!" I hate how she always says "Why are you wearing heels your already tall enough" Well fuck off Mum if I want to wear fucking heels like I want to fucking wear heels once in my life and I don't want people to fucking tell to take them off or I'm too tall so I cant wear fucking heels like FUCK OFF!!!! Being tall isn't a choice, its either your born to be tall or your not! Especially when it comes to me actually wearing high heels people always tell me im tall enough why do I need to wear them, well because I want to be like everyone else, I want to look pretty in my dress with my high heels and pretty hair, I want to fit in. I am sick of not fitting in anywhere and not being able to talk to anyone about this like people don't understand how it is for me, I am either the tall freak or just in all a freak! Boys don't talk to me cause they just don't, like I don't trust people easy I know that but really you have to tease me about my fucking height to get on my level, like come on guys grow the fuck up, grow some balls and move on with life!! To be honest I have had enough with being tall, yes with some people its fun and I laugh and make jokes but with some they don't know how to joke appropriately! But honestly if someone else makes a joke about my height I will break down crying or just ignore them forever! The main reason of my I am writing this is because I spoke to my mum about getting heels for my dress and she suggested me to get flats. WHY! This is what I hate! And I finally broke out and just told her off, like I get this at school and I come home and I get it again like WOW! The comments like 'oh your too tall to wear heels', or 'how will you ever find a man in your life' and especially when people cant win an argument with me so they bring up my height and go on and on about it like seriously, FUCK! But the thing is I am worried about these things and these bother me! I'm a girl too I want to wear heels, I want to hug someone who is like a head taller than me, especially when I wear heels he is still taller than me! But I get how sometimes my height can be intimidating and guys don't like tall girls but like will I ever find something to make me happy or someone. Like I just feel like I'm an outcast from everyone else in the world.

Time...

To be honest i just want to write this one post of Nikola or N as i call him nowadays. Well to be honest i havent written anything about him lately cause i havent had any recolation or communication with him lately. But today and the past few days seem to be getting back to normal. Sometimes i think he just wakes up and is like maybe i shall look at her today or talk to her today but i dunno. Today only awks thing was eye contact, like we had so much of it!! But like i know he doesnt like me and that he likes another girl but i cant help but feel the (ew so cheezy) connection we have hhahahaha ew!! Especially during the dodgeball game but maybe it was my imagination or im that blind but i definiately saw something. But his still a dick and he still pisses me off alot!! But i feel like his going back to his normal self slightly like both of us and well like before our flirtiness hahahahaha

Guess we shall see cause time can only tell now :P

As we move on...

Today was a hard day for me! I felt distressed and confused, i seriously didnt know where i belonged. All my friends stayed in the library at recess and lunch studying and me of course, doesnt want to spend the rest of their life studying. But at lunch because i had already barged my way in to someone elses group of friends i went to the library to see my friends. But they didnt even talk to me they just basically studied. So i left them, when i was on my way out of the library, i realised i didnt have a destination, somewhere i could feel comfortable. But i went back to the barged in group and i barged in again but i didnt feel right.

I felt like an outsider. To be honest i am seriously considering dropping out and doing school at tafe. But i dont know how i will tell my parents and family. To be honest everyone at school has a place but i feel lost, today when i was trying to figure out where i was gonna go exiting the library i nearly burst into tears. I have honestly had enough of this!! I dont want to feel this way anymore and i just want to enjoy my life. Before i decide to drop out i want to ask my mum to set up an appointment with a phychiatrist or therapist or watever. Because im gonna explode, i want to have fun and enjoy everythig with my friends but im too overwhelmed.

To be honest the closest person i am with is Jessica and lately i feel like im a nuisance. I dont feel like i should bother her like i do. I feel completely sorry for her, thats why i havent really spoken to her today. I dont want to go to school tomorrow cause it actually scares me.

whats wrong with me?

I feel like there is something wrong with me lately. I don't feel energetic and I feel drained. I have kind of lost the ability to be happy. When I am at school I smile and laugh for the sake of others but really I just want to go home and crawl in my bed. Sometimes I am happy so I do express it and things like that but to be truthful I just want to stay asleep sometimes, where there is nothing just darkness. Sometimes I wonder is that what it feels like to be dead?! I am not thinking suicidal thoughts but I think if there was a fire in my house I wouldn't rush to get out. I am kind of sick of everything right now and I don't bother to get angry anymore. I hate my body, I hate myself(some parts, its like a love hate relationship), I hate boys, I am actually kind of hating people in general and I hate school the most!!! I am sick of being here in general, I feel nothing good happens in my life, nothing happy, nothing that would surprise me and make me happy. Sometimes some things do but really I am just lost for the rest of the time. For my birthday I did kind of enjoy myself but at the end of the day I kind of lost interest in it. It felt like on my birthday it was one of those tolerant days but as soon as the clock struck 12 I sprain my ankle haha I am seriously not sure what to think anymore. I know I am soon going to explode keeping everything in. Everyday seems like the same thing now and I hate it! I am frustrated with myself cause I don't know what's wrong with me and I really want to know how to fix this! Right now I want to lie in bed and cry, just cry.

Birthday

Yay its my Birthday!!!!! Yeah this is how i am supposed to act but really i dont care and it just makes me more depressed! On your birthday you are supposed to enjoy yourself and celebrate and be happy but how can you enjoy yourself when the people around you arent enjoying themselves and you yourself arent enjoying your life?! Right now i feel like i have lost all my friends, cause i dont want to be around anyone right now!

But here comes tomorrow or later today and im faking a smile, tricking myself into thinking i am enjoying the day. I just wanna sleep into oblivion!! Well hoping after i wake up ill be in a better mood, doubt it though.

All happy smiles for tomorrow :D

Depressed

I think I am mentally depressed and I am started to feel insecure and like I don't want to leave my house! I don't want to leave to go anywhere I want to stay here where I am safe from everything! Im scared and confused and want to cry so much! Today at school I nearly broke out crying because I got mad. I don't want to hurt my friends or be mean or be a bitch I want to be fine and happy! I cant deal with anything right now! I don't want to see my family or friends or anyone for that matter because I'm sick of everything and just want it to all stop! I need to be left alone, alone where no one can find me or take me away from where I am, where no one can find me, where there is no living soul to be seen. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE AND I DONT WANT ANYONE TO COME NEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND HAVE NO ONE TO JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO CRYYYYYYY OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO CRY AND SHOUT AND SCREAM AND GET ANGRY AND BE ALONE, away from everyone! I believe I am a hazard and I believe I am not happy at all and If I cant be happy the people around me wont be happy either.

To drop out or to not drop out

Lately i feel like i dont wanna go to school anymore and i feel lost as what to do. I feel as if i quit now i am losing or if i stay im gonna be miserable for a long time. I am confused as to why im here and if i really belong here. I try my best and all that but i still feel lost and confused and gone and drained mainly. I am not sure if i feel this way because of the lack of sleep but i feel this way. To be honest i know the reason i wanna drop out and leave and stay home and the reason i cant sleep. I am scared and nervous all the time and worried, my Dad has been acting strange lately. He went to the docters on friday and came home saying 'Dad is very tired now and weak. My body is very week' And honestly i was extremely worried as to how things would turn out. I feel scared and like i should be taking care of him but he wants me to go school and stuff. And then my sister worries me because lately she has been getting like 1,2,3 hours sleep only and im nervous. She acts all happy but i feel like shes mentally drained and well lost. Also school jusy stresses me out and i dont need this right now like all the people here just piss me off now and i cant deal with any of it anymore!! And the main reason why i am not looking forward to my birthday is because i had a dream of someone getting hurt on my birthday and it being all my fault. I wanna cry really loud and just want them to stay home and be safe but i know nowhere is safe and i cant predict the future cause it all might be fine!

so confused right now in what to do! Sighhhhhhh

Emotions

This week ever since Friday I have been really really well emotional and mainly angry! Especially today I was really snappy and just taking my anger out on everyone, like I didn't mean to but it just happens. But to be honest I feel like I have been holding a lot of anger in and I just wanna scream and punch everything and everyone till they all disappear. To be honest it is my birthday next week and I aint too happy about it and usually I am. Right now I just feel drained and angry and just want everyone to not remember that it is my birthday and for it to go away. I am not in the mood to celebrate or have fun! I it all and just wanna die! Like that is how angry I am. My anger makes me sad which makes me wanna cry but I feel like I need a good cry to let it all out and scream and just sleep! Sleep forever and into the beyond! I don't care about school and I hate it and don't want it anymore! like what am I doing here at school, acting like I understand everything and acting like I care and don't care and like I'm fine all the time! I need a neutralizer, I need to see my nieces and nephews because they are what keep me going through the week! I need to hug them and kiss them and just give them all the love I can! I wanna cry so bad rn!!!!!!UGHHHHHHHHHH FUCKKKKKKK LIKE OMGGGGG DIEEEEE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK And that's the other thing I have been swearing like no tomorrow!!

You start to believe in lies when the truth is too hard to handle...

I read this quote on twitter today and i was wondering if we really did believe in lies when the truth is too hard to handle, how would we ever believe if something was real or not?! I believe the truth but these could all be lies?! Now im confused on what i believe and if i should actually believe what i have been? I try to believe that he doesnt like me but then am i believing lies?! Does he actually like me or am i going mad?!

So many questions and no answers :/

Nothing at all!!

Yes im not going to think anymore! Anything related to you im gonna erase it! I wont let you get to me anymore, yes i want you but no i cant have you! I have to think of you as gold or a diamond, no matter how much i want it i cant have it! I am not worthy of it! If i want it then ill get it when im ready!! My life if pretty sad because most of what o think about is you. And honestly i want to stop because how will i ever move on with my life if im clinging onto my past! I have been treating my life too lightly lately but i really need to take it seriously!

If you want me or like me or watever, well in here and waiting but you have to remember i wont be waiting forever! Yes i still wanna look good in front of you and everything but doesnt mean i need to get your attention and lose my attention in classes!! I am more important than you! Me! Thinking about you sometimes is fine and you speaking to me sometimes is fine but i will not overthink it cause really its nothing!! Nothing at all!!

Valentines Day

I want him to make the first move, to show me he likes me but I know this wont happen. Today I saw Jessica wrote something on my book to tell me and at first I had no idea what it said but she wrote it again and I thought it said Nikola hooked up with Vivian and to be honest I was angry, I could feel my mood going down and down but then she explained that it said Thanh was looking at me which honestly happens a lot but I try to seem blank. I'm sorry to say this but I don't really care about thanh and his feelings towards me because I only seem to care about Nikola's. He makes me go mad!! its like he has some kind of control over me! His eyes make me melt and his smile kills me! But from what I thought Jessica said how do I know he doesn't have feelings for Vivian or he may have already hooked up with her?! All these questions and I'm never going to get an answer! But as I said I am getting over him! like on the process to getting over him. So this since this morning yes I have been getting over him, like I don't speak to him, or try look around for him and in classes ignore him and not speak or look at him! So I kind of did it all day today, but in English I spoke to him and it was about work of course but he made eye contact with me and I couldn't help but smile. And also Oskar was looking to and then something weird happened, probably my imagination but I had a feeling they were talking about me and blah blah. Now I also had the next period with him and he was smiling the whole time and looked fine and well in this class again like the last class he asked to hand out the sheets, now the main point is he ASKED to hand them out himself. and he did and went around the room handing them out and then he gave ours and as per usual I kept talking to my friend next to me, trying to ignore him. He went to back to sit in his chair but he seemed down now. He went from this happy laughing guy to a sad depressed one which I noticed and got worried Haha I felt like going up to him and giving him a hug cause I couldn't bear the sight of it. But he sat in front of us in class and I just kept staring at his back. But at first I didn't think it was anything and said to myself stop and just do your work Cheanda! One of the guys in class made a joke and all his mates laughed and usually he would laugh but he seemed down as I said. I am guessing his friend Oskar noticed cause a little while after asked him what was wrong and basically just talked in whisper mode and I couldn't hear so I am not sure what Oskar said cause after he slightly went back to normal and all the guys kind of cheered him up. So I realized that if Nikola ever had a girlfriend or say found out I liked him and turned me down then I would cry. and that would make him the first guy to make me cry over them! And this is the first time I have ever got this serious over a guy. To be honest I am afraid of getting hurt. Because I don't want to be hurt because of him. Tomorrow is Valentines day and I am handing out roses at school and I always hope I will get a rose from someone and usually someone I like but this year I am dreading Valentines day because thanh may give me a rose and I don't want him to! or Nikola may not give me a rose which I am fine with but him giving a rose to someone else which makes me sad. I am dreading the say so much because its a day about couples and love and like and blah blah while I sit miserably alone at home. I just cant wait till the day is over!!

What are, your intentions towards me?!

Nikola i need to ask you this! What are your intentions towards me because most times seems like you have feelings for me or its my own crazy deception. But others have witnessed it too and ask the same question, what are your intentions man! But i cant believe it cause your nice to everyone most times and funny with them and talk to them! But wtf is so special about me!

Nothing! You dont do anything different around me than when your with other girls!! I need to wake up and get back to my senses cause his not interested!!

I thought i would do some blogging dada dada daaaa

I'm in the mood to blog today, not particularly because I want to just because I feel like typing up some random stuff haha Today I did some shopping and it was extremely fun because I bought a lot of clothes which I'm excited about wearing. But I still need to pay people back money so I cant use too much :( I am hoping tomorrow that I will only have to use $30 tomorrow or even just $25 and I would even like it to be $35. Just as long as I have a substantial about of money left haha I have no idea what else to say though LOL This week I have so much going on! On Wednesday we have our annual swimming carnival and apparently this one is meant to be quite big because they renamed the houses. And on Friday is the day to be honest I have been dreading its Valentines day :( Valentines Day is the worst time of year for me besides my birthday haha One reason I hate Valentines Day is because basically its a day for couples and people who want to be couples but for single people like me it's misery!! Like to be honest I don't need these couples around me celebrating their love for one another, especially when I might hope to expect a rose and not actually get one! Around Valentines day I kind of expect something, I do it unconsciously but I know its actually a deep thought at the bottom of my heart. I just want a rose is that so hard haha What I actually find worse is when my friends get me a rose because it makes me feel insecure and petty but this year I know one of my friends Sandy got me a rose which I am kind of grateful for but deep down I know I seem pitiful to others. Getting a rose from a friend is completely different from getting a rose from someone with feelings for you, like someone you like. So yes I know you can all probably guess I am hoping and wanting a rose from Nikola but I definitely know I wont get one!! This weekend started with me not thinking about him that much and changed to me thinking a lot about him, especially when I have nothing else to do than think. As I said in the previous song I want this to go away as fast as possible, actually I need this to go away!!! Anyway night and wish me good luck for this week cause I know I'll need it haha I'll probably be blogging a lot this week hahaha

I NEED TO STOP!!!!

Lately I have encountered many, like many, Like ALOT of times I spoke and encountered talking to Nikola and Yes I have been ignoring him and trying not to speak with him. But sometimes I cant help but think he wants to speak with me and well I don't like it, well I do but I am not supposed to! The whole day I didn't want to speak to him and yes I ignored him but conversed but avoided it when I could. But one thing that caught my attention the most was when I was in modern history and the teacher told him to hand out sheets and well you cant say no. anyway he gave sheets to me and my friend Sonja and she was still writing stuff and I was drinking water, not caring and just staring into space but he gave us our sheets very I don't know to say but very dramatically. He kind of flung them on our table and I looked down and he was moving on to give more out but he said "Your supposed to say thank you" and well he honestly didn't have to say this comment but he did and it bothered me because it kind of seemed like he was trying to get my attention. Anyway later that afternoon I spoke to him and well we just had a weird but kind of normal convo and well I was confused and needed some help figuring what was going on. Well I texted Jessica telling her everything but mainly just the convo, and she said seems like he had mixed feelings for me and this was only when I told her about the convo we had when we were walking back home but I am not sure what she will say about the other times. Like the one about class and the handing out of the sheets. I know what Jessica will say she will say he has feelings for me but I don't know!!!! I hate this so much!!! Its giving me a headache and just when I was moving on with my life! I could talk to him the whole time until it came to him handing out those sheets! It took me off guard!! I still need to stop though!! when we were on the train trip home I could make eye contact with him but not for too long and I just felt like he was (excuse the cheeziness) staring into my soul which was weird!!! I need to stop thinking of him in this way!!! Ugh But one thing that I'm curious about the most was he kept saying "Cheanda why you talking shit about David for?" and this is David G one of my good friends from year 7 and I was like WTF!!!! But you see David is in my English class and that lesson I was laughing and being normal me and talking to David and laughing and we listened to music and danced and sang (ironic English class and we didn't do any work haha) and I had a feeling he was staring at me but I always have this instinct but I don't know this time because whenever I laughed out of nowhere and stuff he kind of, how do you say, flinched and looked up but I saw this from the corner of my eye so I don't know. UGHHHHHHHH So many questions and no real answers :( But still what bothers me a lot is that he still might like Vivian which could be true or not or it never was true but I don't know and it's giving me a headache and I just don't want to think about it anymore!!! I NEED TO STOP!!!!! What I found most funny part of the say was when he was so surprised that I swore haha and he said I had changed from the previous Cheanda and yet he thinks I am the type of person to hook up with a guy at a party hahaha

Everytime I take a step forward I am always moved two steps back..

The truth is Valentines Day is coming up slowly and slowly. And so yeah at my school we ask people around the school if they want to buy roses and year 12 organize it and since I'm in year 12 this year I helped out. I went around with my friends asking people if they wanted to buy me roses. This was like 2 days ago, and before class I was walking with Jessica and she asked me if I wanted a rose and I was like 'nah I'm alright', but when I said this it was true that I didn't really want one or need it but I guess I was kind of hoping... I didn't want a rose from anyone really and I wasn't expecting one from anyone but now I realize that I actually really wanted one from Nikola. He asked me today to buy a rose because he was selling them and it made my heart jump but what I was thinking was couldn't you buy me one instead. and I was nearly going to say something but I held it in. But throughout the events of the day I realized he truly has no interest in me and that I read into things too much. For once I wanted my dream to come true. Lately I have been feeling happy especially when I'm at school but when I came home it kind of felt like all my energy degenerated and I just feel kind of down. Usually not for the whole night but I have a stage in the night where I think and think and think. What's really been on my mind lately is my weight and the way I look, I don't know why but I feel so insecure about myself, I know I shouldn't but for some reason I am. My school swimming carnival is coming up and I just feel like I want to stay at home and not go. I need to move on with my life and just get rid of all these issues that I have written. I need to say goodbye to Nikola, my insecurities and just move towards the bigger picture... but these things take time and not sure if I want to keep waiting for my to move forward..

What is sleep?!

I dont know if i can sleep tonight. That dream this morning gave me a fright. To be honest i forgot about it through out the day but then thinking about school again brought back the dream. I now know why i dreamt that dream, because i want it to happen. But no it wont and i know that but for some reason i still choose to want it. I remember thinking towards the end of my dream i started to wake up right before i brought him behind the bookcase or aisle or watever and i remember thinking no i dont want to wake up, i just want to keep dreaming because i was enjoying it so much. Too much! And thats normal but i cant seem to sleep now because i dunno how i will act tomorrow because i know what happened and only i know (and you guys) and it was just a dream. Im nervous i dont want to sleep! Im playing games on my phone so i wont sleep lol so when i wake up i wont have to face him but im gonna have to either way lol

Anyway guys ill try sleep :) night all

*Blush*

OMG i had a dream this morning of Nikola and he confessed he liked me?! Ok so the dream starts we are out i have no idea where i think airport?! Everyone is looking around the store and Nikola was standing behind me and he taps me on the shoulder and says "Cheanda make sure your careful when you take a taxi home ok. And let me know when you go" but like even in my dream i was confused lol but as he said this he gave me his keys and well i guess this meant he wanted to go home when i did and that he wanted me to know? I dunno lol and then everyone was saying around us 'ooooohhhhhhhh' and i blushed i think?! Haha and so he walked away around the shop. Now usually thats how my dreams with him end, like thats the only time i see him. So in my dream i do what i would do if that happened told Jessica and told her about it. But you see even in my dream i was confused, so i was discussing with Jessica if that was a confession?! She said she didnt know so she went on shopping and me too but i was confused and i looked around and Matthew G came up to me to ask me something and i saw him coming but for some reason actually what i always do i look around. And as i turn my head i see Nikola and Peter walk past but Peter was talking you see and Nikola was staring at me?! And then Matthew started talkig to me surprising me. I dont remember the convo but then it changed to me pulling Jessica into a library?? And we went to talk about the situation but it seemed that Nikola and all his friends came over to see us?! I dunno but they pulled me up and told me to sit with Nikola and talk and i was like what?! Like i was so confused and flustered and he seemed mad or sad? Which i dunno but i grabbed him cause everyone was yelling at us to talk and i pulled him behind some books down an aisle and sat down and said whats going on! He sat down looked at me and said nothing and i was like oh yeah then why is everyone yelling at us?! And then he began to talk, he said "it took me a lot of guts to say that to you and you didnt even respond?!" And i was like "to that?! I said ok? And i was confused, like i didnt get what you were trying to say!" He said "look i confessed ok! And all i wanted to do was hang out with you and instead your hanging with Matthew! " I was surprised tbh and i remember slightly moving and my body getting flustered haha I just stared at him and i said "You like me? Since when!" And he was i guess angry or something but he said agressively and kinda loudly " I have liked you since year 8 ok! And all you want to do is hang out with other guys" and again my body moved haha I stared at him and smiled, he was sitting against the wall while i was crouching down. I grabbed his hand and sat next to him and leaned on his shoulder and said "Well why didnt you say so" and the tension from his body loosened and he smiled and he told me that all he has ever wanted to do was hold my hand and just hold me in his arms. I loved listening to that and this dream, he said i have always wanted to kiss you and then the dream is a blur haha i kinda woke up LOLOLOLOL awks

why?

Today I had a pretty shit day but only parts of it was shit but it was still ok lol the shit part was getting my mark back for my business studies exam which i did so shit it honestly felt gut wrenching but i didn't want to go mad over that tiny detail cause i know its only the beginning and there is always time to fix it. The reason i am asking why today is because something happened a while ago and one of my close (kinda) guy friends kind of well hit on me and well just went a little mad but this was when he was drunk and had just broke up with his girlfriend. His name is Thanh and well he really went crazy and everyone remembers and this was at a party and I kind of really felt uncomfortable that night. Well you see I have moved past it and I think he has too but I'm not too sure but one thing for sure I know other people haven't gotten over it! Because people have been teasing about it through the holidays, his best friend Brandon won't let it go and he told me he had given me shit throughout the holidays about it which is just fucked up LOL but you see Thanh hadn't gone to school today and I guess because Thanh wasn't around it was time to tease me instead and well this went on for a while. Throughout the day I had been hearing comments about it but in all honesty I don't really care but it did kind of bug me at times and made me embarrassed, especially when Nikola also was in on it and I was just pissed kind of at that stage but anyway yeah I am over it now. Tomorrow I am just hoping for no more comments and just for this to be erased out of the books!

Dreams

Recently I realized that we all dream and we all have dreams which we wish to achieve. For me I always remember having the dream of having a stable job, I have moved out and I travel with my loving boyfriend or live a comfortable life in a loft near the city. Yes this is a pretty strange dream for a little girl to have but it was my dream because it was what my sisters had and they always looked happy to me. But life goes on and dreams change but for me I still have a similar dream and mainly its to be happy, but right now I wouldn't say I am happy at all. Stress of things get to my head to much that I turn it off a just basically rebel against everything. But when I close my eyes and block out the noise around me I am dreaming again, into a world which I wish for and so desperately want. In a drama I have watched recently the main male character is dreaming a happy dream, one which he desperately wants but knows he cannot ever get, when he wakes from the dream he says "Now I know I can never dream a happy dream again". Nowadays I connect my life to those words, because I know I am not moving towards my goal now. I dream and dream about it but right now its an all a dream and that's all, I can do nothing to change it because I don't have that confidence in myself. I used to have an inspiration kind of or a motivation but now I feel just drained, yes I want to enjoy my life and this year cause its the last but right now I feel like I'm floating in space. School starts soon and honestly I hate it! I used to look forward to school but right now I just want it to be all over!!! I don't want to face anyone or those people, this holidays I have created a nice safeguard against all of that but since the time to start again is gathering near I just want to hide away. I honestly think leaving school would be the best thing for me right now cause I'm too lost there to concentrate. I am not sure how I am going to handle the rest of this year but the start of it isn't too great, only great thing was the brief holiday with my family. But I think this year in class I am going to isolate myself and try to get less distracted now but really I am so so so over it! and its just painful to think about!

Understandings

Today I just realized why I hate being here and in this family. Because I am the youngest I get all the bad shit, all the fucking shit I have to deal with like fuck. Today was my nieces 3rd Birthday and I was fine in the morning but what I hate the most is dealing with everyone's issues like when my sisters are pissed they take out all their shit on me like do I have to put up with all your fucking shit do I not have my own fucking problems like fuck. And when they tell me what to do, like everything and then when I act pissed they say your the youngest, this is what you should expect. Like fuck I didn't ducking choose to be the youngest to be born into this fucking family, I honestly don't care about what people say, yeah I may look like I have the perfect family and I am fine with everything but no I'm fucking not. Everyone doesn't know about the behind the scenes roll, honestly at one stag in my life I was at the point where I was so depressed I was cutting myself and actually nearly killed myself. Everyone would ask me anything wrong but I would always say I'm fine because I don't want to burden their lives but finally I got out of that funk. What I hate the most is how people treat me, all my cousins and sisters and everyone in my family. Like honestly they tease me which I don't mind at all but when its all they can say to me and say to others about me like fuck off, Like I have moved away from that, ever since primary school that's the shit I had to deal with because I was a follower not a "main" person or "popular girl". Like fuck I don't bother people with this because I don't want to face it, all those times people would tease me till I end up crying in the toilets. I hate the feeling of being left out because that's how it was in the past but now it just seems normal now and I don't bother to get my hopes up about fitting in. Right now I want to cry because everything that happened today just reminded me of the past and it hurts. I act like a badass, like I don't care but really it actually really gets to me. I don't want to deal with any of your shit now, right now I am kinda in the same state of mind when I used to cut myself but I wont because that's just stupid. But I am going to be cold now to everyone, or well just turn my emotions.. off.

Why is it that everytime you do that to me!

I saw him again. I didnt really feel anything but something felt different this time, it was like a mutual feeling towards him. But things went back to normal, we flirted, had our banta and talked, like really talked which was nice :)

But a few things felt weird, he said only because Cheanda said so, which was weird. And before he left that awkward handshake? I am confused but not estatic or happy that i saw him just confused.

This was a few days ago, when i saw him again but now ever since i saw him i miss him which is strange. To escape this feeling i turn where i will only feel happy and that is my family. When i am with them i only feel happy because we are all together and as in family i mean extended family. They help me feel like i dont need to care about anything and just have fun with life but life isnt that easy. I guesd today is the day i feel lonely and well it sucks, because i think of those moments all over again.

Sup Ya'll

Hey darlings, I'm wondering how everyone has been :) Tomorrow I'm going to see my cousin Belinda and we are going to watch Catching Fire, Finally!! I am honestly so excited and this would be my first time going to the city in 2014 WOW Anyway last few days have been feeling kind of at peace here at home, but kind of disconnected to the world and my friends. Today I saw my cousin on Ellen which was pretty cool! And she told me that there are plenty of sexy Latino men in LA and honestly I can't wait to grow up and go to LA!!! But I'll probably go when I'm 21 cause that's their legal drinking age haha Party all day and night... can only dream. On to other news, even though I am confident and head strong, I am a little nervous of leaving my house and actually going to the city or places where I would see my friends because... well I don't actually know why. I realized yesterday that a wheel around a lot and am a pretty pushy person, I don't mean to be but it just happens. But after doing some thinking today I don't need to wheel around anymore, I need to stop. I'm sorry, you know who you are, I don't mean to be pushy and push you into my decisions, I am glad we are friends, and I don't want to rely on you anymore cause you have your own life. I know this sounds sappy but I set you free to live your own life, you don't need to have the job of checking up on me, or listening to me anymore :) but I'm here anytime for ya, you know that :) Ok well I'm gonna get some beauty sleep now cause honestly I need it but before that I'm going to have a little me time and just watch a movie and put on a face mask haha Night ya'll

One's self

Hey guys so I just wanted to give you a update before I continue with todays post topic. Well I have been having a really good year so far, I am no longer a sour puss, and haven't had many break outs of anger anymore. When I do its usually about dramas, I have been spending way more time with my family, I haven't seen any friends from school which I am actually happy about because when I do see them I feel insecure and weird I dunno but I only feel comfortable with my family nowadays and also Jessica cause she's also family. And my very last piece of special news is that I got a laptop which gives me a bit more freedom and easier for me to do work and stuff :) Back to my title topic "One's self" this is actually a post which I have been meaning to do for a while, its something I have learnt from 2013 and I want to share it with everyone, meaning all my faithful readers. "One's self" actually refers to ones inner insecurities, this is mainly aimed at young girls/women who have lost their way and need some advice I guess to move forward in life confidently. Back in 2013 I used to care a lot about what others thought and said about me, I used to be negative and just a plain bring a mood downer. But in the last month of 2013 I learnt way more than I did in the whole year, now I'm not saying I didn't learn much in the year but I simply didn't listen to everyone and take in their advice. But in the last month I had a wake up call, I thought about my life and its pretty great because I am surrounded by all these wonderful people who believe, love and support me. I know many of you don't have the life I have but there is always hope, I bet most of you have a hard life but in that hard life I want you to look around and find something, something that gives you hope, may it be realizing how amazing you are! how you have so many loved ones surrounding you who are just trying to protect you or even friends who support you and believe in you. Anything can be your sense of hope, even a dog and I'm serious. The main reason I have chosen to be confident and move forward in life would be because I don't want to lose hope and become some depressed, lonely girl who feels sorry for herself. Many of you may read this and be like wow this girl doesn't know what she is talking about and my life is way worse, what hope do I have to hold on to! But you all do, you just have to find it. I'll tell you all, the reason I got my wake up call. My cousin which I will name Nana, got back with her ex-boyfriend, got a bad HSC mark and started to disrespect her family which have always been there and supported her. The main issue is when she got back with her ex, now many of you would be like nah that's not that bad but it affects everything. You see when Nana got together with this guy, he was sweet and nice and respected her and her family. but after a while he came to disrespect her family and show his true form. He argued with her family, acted as a dick and just became damn disrespectful. She was a girl who was all about family, and he had slowly changed to become disrespectful too. But she woke up from this nightmare and broke it off, he had called her day and night trying to speak to her and get her back but her younger sister had been there to help her, to stop her from not taking her call. The younger sister decided to go out one time and live her life, before she leaves she tells Nana to not answer the phone. The younger sister comes back and the Nana says 'Oh so I answered the phone'. Now you see the younger sister had always been there for her and always told her that this guy was a bad guy and that he was changing her, but instead of listening to her younger sister who was always there for her she acted on her own accord and decided to take the first step to ruining her life. Now at this stage Nana was doing her HSC and she really didn't need any distractions but she had chosen to pick up the phone and cause one to happen. The whole time she was doing her HSC she had been speaking to him, night in and night out when she should really be studying. She even had a good deal of getting into UNI but she had lost that in the end too. Her Mum had heard her speaking to someone in her room every night and knew she wasn't speaking to her sister cause she was outside. Her Mum didn't want to stir up any drama because Nana was doing her HSC but she knew something wasn't right. Jump past a few weeks and its time for her HSC results to come out. When they came she just laughed, her sister couldn't even look at her anymore, her sister had lost all respect for her. You see her sister knew the whole time who she had been speaking to and everything but this had gone way to far because she let this distraction of a boy to get in the way of her studies when she said she would study hard. Her mother yelled at her and told her how can you be so stupid to let this boy get in the way and not study! and her mother stopped speaking to her. Her father yelled at her telling her how can you let that rat back into your life, how can you be so weak! When you break up that's meant to be it but you couldn't even hold off speaking to him for a month! How can you be so stupid to not learn from your mistakes and instead make the same mistake twice! and her father stopped speaking to her too, he just told her to deal with her own mistakes and that he is never a loud in the house ever again! Now life went on and she continued to disrespect her family, and she decided to not care. Everyone she ever loved lost respect for her and treated the way she was acting like a 5 year old. She said she was 18 now, why do you treat me like I'm 5, to her parents and they simply said cause your acting like one. She tells people he has changed and he is different but we don't believe her because if he really had then she wouldn't disrespect and treat her parents this way. Now I had learnt this all from my time at my cousins and seen and heard everything but when I spoke to her she seemed the same but something still felt different. From those few days with them I learnt to respect myself and respect those around me because they love me and care for me ever since I was born. But I mostly learnt to have respect for myself because if you have respect and love yourself then you are ready to let others into your life and know that they wont try to change you or deceive you. But I hadn't realized this yet, I hadn't actually put my thoughts into motion and woken up fully. The New Year came and on that first day was when I got the most devastating and shocking news. Nana had left home to live with this dick. On the day of NYE she came home and said I am leaving and you can't stop me to her mother. Her mother and her father and her siblings had nothing to say, they were waiting for this to happen and ready for her to leave because they had had enough hurt and cried enough tears over the situation, so if she wanted to live with this dick and not listen to those around her then then she should go. Her mother gave her rubbish bags to pack her things in, her grandma cried on the floor begging her to not go, her grandpa who is sick told her to leave and never come back and that she wasn't invited to his funeral. Through all this she didn't cry or care and she left out the door, she didn't even say good bye she just left. Her blood, her own blood and family, and people who raised her she didn't even give them a second look, she just left. Her grandpa told her younger siblings that she is never a loud at his funeral and that she gets nothing and she wasn't even a part of the family any more. I heard this news from her younger sister who cried telling me this, her and her brother had taken the biggest fall because when everyone asked where their older sister Nana was, they couldn't say anything but make excuses because of the embarrassment Nana had left behind. The reason Nana had left was because she didn't have enough respect for herself and those around her. Because she thought only herself and him were the only ones in the world, so she moved in with him but she is 18 and hasn't ever had a job and she thinks she will last with him, no money, no job, no more friends. All everyone can do now in her family is wonder, she could be pregnant, he may have hit her anything could have happened but no one actually knows. From now on its her job to pull herself out of this mess and learn to respect herself and love herself fast before something bad happens. You see everyone, you may think you have it bad but Nana has just lost her family, her future, respect from others and the only people who loved and supported her in her life for some boy. But there is always a way to find hope and get back out there and amend your mistakes, but only you can do that. If Nana decided to come back to her family, it would be hard to gain their respect back but they would take her back no matter what cause she is still family! If you think you suck and you hate your life, think of how Nana must feel now, all she has is a dick of a boyfriend who might even hurt her and no a cent to her name. Don't settle for someone lesser than yourself, and don't just let anyone into your life because if you love yourself enough and respect yourself enough you can stand on your own two feet and be independent. No women or man needs someone else in their life telling them what to do, because we should be able to do that ourselves. Its your decision to do what you want with your life not anyone else's, now I'm not telling you what do to with your life I'm letting you know what I have learnt to become this independent, strong women who can stand on her own. My goal in life isn't to be a doctor, or to impress others, and be something I'm not because my goal to be myself and live comfortably and to be happy. Hope this helps, anyone really. Love you all and I'm out :)

Cries as soon as wakes up

This morning i witnessed the most painful thing i have ever witnessed in my life! My mother crying, my parents fight like any other married couple but this one made my mother cry. My Dad is known to come from a very prestine family, very well known and my father is the oldest. My mother does everything for my father, she takes care of him alot and well to his family, well im not actually sure what they think of my mum. But she always takes care of him! And well he always ends up disrespecting her in front of his family. Well my mum started crying and telling me the story of yesterday. When my aunties and uncles come over to eat lunch with my Grandma who come to ours. Well my mum is about to sit down when my dad yells, Why didnt you bring me a spoon, are you stupid. Now thats what my Dad says to everyone 'are you stupid' but he said this in front of his family. And basically embarrassed my mum, my mother has tried so hard to fit in and get along with my Dads family. She basically does everything for them when they ask but my dad doesnt see it and he always disrespects her in front of her family.

And when my mother started to cry well i started to cry. This was like the time i told my mum i know i was a mistake in the middle of a heated battle and we just started to cry. I feel so bad for my mum but she knows and loves my dad and he is getting old and he has really bad eye sight and all these things, so she takes care of him. But for once i would like him to love and respect my mother a bit! I still love him but i am really angry with him right now! And tonight is my dads sides family dinner party. And i am worried about my mum! I really just want to protect her but im not sure how :(