Alone

Today i had a huge fight with my parents, everything just came rushing up from my system which i had been bottling up. And i am crying writing this you guys.

I am so sick of being alone in this house! I am so fucking scared and fucking depressed about whats coming up next in my future and i had no one to talk to about my pain. I have talked to people at school, Jessica and plenty others but never my family! When i close the door to my room i usually feel content and like i have a great little santuary to myself. But i have realised that i usr that as a cloak to cover what i am truely feeling, alone and closing my door is like closing in my feelings and thoughts to myself. I feel like if i tell people how i feel they wont like me and wont want them in their lives anymore cause i am always to sweet smiley cute funny girl who makes funny jokes and loves her life but i hide everything behind my smile!

When i am home and i am bored no one talks to me! They are usually on their phones, ipads, watching tv or doing something else and when i try to talk to them they just act like they are listening. Right which i realise, is the only thing which i am happy about and the only people whom i love right now are my nephews and nieces, and my beautiful friends. The rest of them can stuff themselves! My nieces and nephews are the only ones that make me happy cause it feels likw they need me and want to be around me, my sisters who dont live with me also keep me happy and make me laugh but i still dont like them cause they are meant to be my sisters!! And honestly they are far from that!!

All i want to do now is die and cry and not deal with anything shitty in my life right now!! I run on a circuit and honestly i do it alone! I am sick of being alone, closed up in my room crying all the time, crying myself to sleep, dealing with people yelling at me and shit! I just want to lie in bed and cry right now but no i have to do my fucking english homework and my teacher obviously hates me and honestly i am sick of the shit!!

Going...

Lately i have been going ith the flow of how i feel when i am around people and just going by my daily shedule. I feel like i have been going to into thw flow than usual! I feel like i have been so comfortable with myself that i keep acting like a doof and acting strange when i am around my friends :( but i also feel like if i dont by the flow i wil lose them all. I think i am really really tired and have a really bad lack of sleep! I wish things were more simply in life!

Sick -_-

I am so tired and angry and just tired cause i seem to keep getting sick and i hate it!! I still go school and i feel terrible all the time!! I cant concentrate cause half the time i have terrible headaches and i just keep smiling and laughing and that honestly doesnt help but i still do it -_-

I think i need and good sleep some good medicine and a good massage!! My body is constantly sore and i really need it! Today i had a locked jaw and OMGOSH it was so sore and i was so scared of talking! I am so tired and i have no idea if i will be able to keep up with my current timetable!

Right now i have no concern for Nikola or any other boys, but they do make me laugh and i reckon i know i just have to be friends with them! Next thing you know next post will be like " OMG Why am i so alone! I want a boyfriend" yada yada yada. But i hope not cause right now i cant deal with them! But today i did notice something and that was Nikola talking to his friend Oskar and him taking something out of his bag and honestly no surprise! Taking out packets of condoms -_- and also learned some alarming news about a few people in my year!!

But right now i am in pain and i cant deal with the bipolar weather and i just keep getting sick and i feel like vomitting! But i am still gonna go school and shit though cause i have to! But my timetable sucks cause i can never be away on any of the days cause i always have important periods on those days!! So i am f*cked and the only time i have to relax is the weekend and i have been doing that alot lately!!

Mentions

Tonight i started reading this book and i realised in the book one kf the characters is going through what i am going through. That is getting over someone and trying not to think about it too much and honestly i have gotten over Nikola!

But just like in the photo i everytime his name is mentioned i turn slightly or slightly look. I cant help this but i have been accepting this and its been happening less often. But the other day he defended me when i was as usual arguing about something stupid with my friend Thanh. And it gave me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. As soon as he did it i felt a rush of heat run through my body and i couldnt help but smile but luckily no one saw. Earlier in the lesson we had, i had really weird eye contact with him, like we looked and turned to each other at the exact same time and it froze for a second and he looked away quickly (he was getting told off so i think he was embarrassed)

Jessica told me maybe he likes me but cant make his mind up about me and i kinda thought that too. Because it felt like he was ignoring me and trying to get away from me all week but i hadnt looked to far into it and thought nothing of it. But after Jessica said that it made me think, I had been getting over him and honestly i didnt care. Even when he spoke to me nothing and i didnt care but that one moment of mention and that one moment he showed chilvary it got me thinking again and tonight i realised will i ever actually get "over" him? I like him and i have admitted that to myself but if he likes me, he needs to do something about it. I told Jessica "if he really likes me, he will do something about it" because i am not gonna wait around for an answer and keep playing these mind games. But most likely i will just get over it cause i think things over too much in my mind. By the end of this weekend i will be back to getting over him and can finally move on :)

Changing it up to belong

Today i also watched the movie Easy A, i watched it cause it was on and i havent watched it in ages and because it was a chick flick, and i needed one. But after watching it i have realise how Olive the main character feels like an outcast and changes herself and lies about who she is to fit in. This reminded of english and our topic Belonging, belonging can actually have many different meanings depending on the person and in Easy A its not really about belonging but about getting noticed.

She gets the attention she is looking for but through a lie which she didnt realise she had created. She carries on the lie till she got hurt and others close to her too. Even though it may not seem like it, or may be more obvious to others than most, she is looking for her belonging and just wants to fit in. Like any good movie at the end she realises her faults reveals the truth to everyone, she comes out a better person and has a cheesy ending with a boy.

Alot of you may be wondering why is she writing about movies and belonging and etc but i have been thinking about it alot lately. I have been thinking of what the meaning of belonging means to me. Today i kind of realised the meaning of belonging to me, "Changing it up to belong" this is the title and its my meaning to me. Meaning sometimes change can be the reason you feel like you belong more.

Last few days been going through a lot and i feel like when i am at school nothing changes nothing is different. Everything is the same and it continues on a cycle, i wish to for something different, sometimes to stand out. I feel like i want to make a change to my life and just try something new out.

Cory Monteith

Today i watched the episode of glee that was a tribute to Finn Hudson. But in real life the life of Cory Monteith. I know i didnt know him and never actually spoke to him or anything but when you have glee amd been such a big fan of him hearing something like his death so suddenly is just so saddening.

The episode had come out last week and people kept saying they cried so badly and now i know why cause my eyes are so swollen that i can bearly open then and my nose so red and swollen from blowing my nose. I had been avoiding it because his death was so sudden and so unreal that i avoided it. I never knew him but he seemed like a person who would always have your back, he made me smile and i would always look forward to seeing him on the show. He always had a presence and just something that everyone loved.

Now that the episode i realise how gone he is and how much everyone loved him even if they didnt know him. His smile, his hair, his jawline and him! In the episode i kept expecting for him to pop up and say im not dead but it didnt happen. I wanted to see him come out in someones dream and sing a song or something because it all just made it too real that people had lost someone to close and so loved.

This made me think of me and that i should cherish everyday i am here and never forget that i am lucky! Even though the way he wasnt the best way, i am not going to remember him for that one little slip up and that one incident. I am going to remember him as who i knew he was, i am going to cherish everyday my life and all others around me because his passing shows no matter how old you are this could be it!

Friends

Today i have realised how much stress i feel and how i feel about school because i was on the verge of crying. My emotions are all over the place, i know why though because i refuse to face them. I refuse to face the real world and i just push things aside. But without my friends i wouldnt be able to get through these tough times. Jessica has honestly been a amazing and i worry for her cause she gets sick so much. I feel like i need to take care of her and that i have a duty to do that haha weird.

But someone who i nearly forgot about is Joseph my great guy friend who listens to my rants gives me great advice and always manages to make me laugh. He is almost like another jessica but a less ghetto one haha but he feels like a brother to me :)

I am so greatful and happy that i have both these people in my life right now! I feel like i need to do something for them!!

OMG

OMGOODNESS!!! I sent an email to weeklychris thanking him for how he has helped pull my mind off the stress of everything and he replied!!!! I FEEL SO HAPPY!! I feel like crying cause im so happy hahaha he is such an amazing person and he is cute but such an amazing person!! Even though all he does is do youtube videos he can save lives and make them a whole lot better!! :D

OMG I CANT BELIEVE HE REPLIED HAHAHA YAYAYAYAAY

Family

Today i told my sisters that i have been quite stressed lately. But lately i have felt pretty close to them and it feels great but one thing i have always, i guess needed and wanted to do was to tell them how i feel about my relationship with them. Everytime i tell them something about myself and they say i love you or they say they are here for me, it brings tears in my eyes cause i feel close to them, touched and that they care about me. Well i am gonna write today a "letter" which i wanted to tell them today.

Dear My darling older sisters,
I honestly love you all! I know you say that i shouldnt look up to you guys but i do! And i know i do because i miss you guys so much all the time! I usually only get to see Julie ans Fiona once a week and my nieces and nephews too! But this week i missed you guys so much! And i honestly really wish to see your guys all the time because you make me laugh and dont make me feel pressured!

I especially miss my nephews and nieces and it honestly make me cry that i cant see them whenever i want and whenever i can but i do understand why but i still really miss them and you guys! I have fun with my family and that way i dont feel so alone. Our house feels so empty, when i am bored or i feel stresses and want someone to talk to or someone to just interact with i have no one! Gigi (my oldest sister whome lives with us we call her that! Thats not her name!) is always in her room and doesnt know how to interact with me without bringing up school and stuff. I am tired and i feel like all my energy has been sucked away. This week and the last few weeks i have been dealing with some important decisions and thats my hsc subjects, changing them, drop this subject and then pick up this subject. Its really annoying and frustrating and on top of all of that i have been helping my friends with their decisions and its just so sad!! I honestly just miss you guys and wish you were here so i could talk with yous! Love you guys so much and i care for all of you so much and when you guys Say or love me or something i feel so loved and great and i tear up! I know its weird! Dont judge :(

So this is my letter to my sisters, i know i have more but i cant think of it right now :/

Why

Title is why because i dont understand why other people have to deal with so much in their lives while i sit here dying and being an idiot in my room complaining about my nothing boy problems! i just want things to go well for the ones i loves and for them not to get hurt! Cause when i see them hurt, i feel hurt and i just cant bear and watch it and have no control over it and do nothing with myself!!

Drama Queen

So the title for this post is drama queen and the drama queen here is me! I am so dramatic and make a big deal out of everything like Nikola I like him but right i dont care but when i did care he would walk past and i would be like "OMG Did he want to talk to me" and shit like that! Just not as dramatic, i would make scenarios in my head and stuff thinking what it would be like if he actually liked me and shit. I feel like i am such a drama queen and i make a big deal out of nothing when my friends go through so much more.

I have a question to everyone, what do you when your friend is pissed/upset and cant seem to make them feel better and not know what to do? Sometimes when my friends go through something i would just like for them to live here for a while and relax so they wont deal with their problems. I am not saying i have a perfect life, i am just saying they can relax here and i can make them laugh and have fun and forget :) Not sure what to do now though, Im not happy when my friend isnt happy!! I feel like when someone is upset i feel upset with them and have nothing to do, nothing to contribute :'(

Physical attraction

Few days ago i saw this youtube video of this really cute, sweet, goodlooking, talented and hot guy and i told Jessica to watch his video and yes she agreed he was cute! But i kinda fell in love with him because of his eyes!! But his talent and his voice just won me over!! I admit i first loved his looks and everything but his voice is crazy awesome!! But Jessica said " wow girl you really care about the looks" and i was like yes but no! Because if a guys is crazy goodlooking and his personality is shit then it doesnt make sense to go out with him!! Honestly though, WeeklyChris is the name of his channel and OMG I love him!

I am attracted to coloured eyes but give me a simple cheeky smile can make me fall head over heels for a guy! I just said if looks and personality dont match up then no no but with Nikola his looks and his personality kinda dont match up. I guess i am attracted to his looks but he always was sweet to me and we had a connection so thats another way for me to like a guy. The attraction and connection with a guy is honestly something that can make me fall for a guy!

Also when guys have confidence when they speak to you but not too much cause girls dont usually like cocky guys! But when a guy has confidence to make jokes and makes a girl laugh he should have it in the bag. Laughing is one of the best cures for anything so guys with a sense of humour is a yes!

Guys who have common sense to comfort a girl and make her feel safe and secure is also a yes. No girl wants to feel insecure about themselves and wants to feel like they need to change themselves for a guy cause its wrong! Girls  still wanna be independent when dating a guy!

So in conclusion a simple smile, some kind of connection, confidence, sense of humour and common sense can get a guy a date with me. Not sure about other girls but this is my list for a guy. If a guy has all of this but its all for show and his a jerk well ill be walking away a strong independent women! And i am sure all girls would be! The title of this post is physical attraction and yes looks go far but only so far. If a guy has all these little things in his personality then its just a plus if he is goodlooking! Girls may look at a guys looks but that just gets there attention, but when the girl actually starts to speak to you thats when things get hard! So Guys dont be a douche and play with a girls heart cause i am sure your gonna get hurt too! And Girls dont fall for those douches, keep your head held high and show them that your an independent strong women :)

Sisters

Today was one of my sisters birthday, Fiona the one before me. I was never actually close to her, i was always more close to my other sisters. Today when i went to see her it was fun and nice cause i actually spoke to her and it was fun and i felt close to her. We had some great laughs and i nearly choked laughing at her HAHA I am glad i have her as a sister and all the others of course but especially glad that shes here too cause shes the only one who defends me and has fun. I can relax and muck around and have fun with her while i feel constantly watched when im with my other sister. Im really happy i have her and i just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her :)

Lonely

The reason for the title isnt because im lonely but it kinda is. I actually couldnt think of a name for the post so i named it lonely cause im listening to akons Mr lonely :P Well I am stuck in bed this afternoon and im tired, sore and lonely.

I miss my family right now! They are here but i want to see them but instead i lie in bed :P Right now i wanna have a movie marathon and lie in bed with popcorn and ice cream :) wish Jessica were here right now so we can watch rom coms and talk and get fat haha but i wish my mum would lie in bed with me and we could watch a movie and talk :P I want to cuddle right now with someone haha

At the moment i feel like i should give up on Nikola and move on! Because i think he likes someone and a lot so im just gonna remain friends because i hate it when things get weird!!!

Dreams

Im scared to fall asleep! I dont know what to expect when i do, i feel like im in a place where i dont know whats next and how to fix it or how to escape! I have this weird feeling when i dream that something weird and bad happened in my dream. I wake up going WTF! But then 5 minutes later completely forget, so i dont know what happens. But when i am near specific people i feel strange and confused! Sometimes i have this urge to cry out, sometimes give them a hug! All this, does it mean something bad happened?

I want to know so i can sleep in piece! But usually when im near Nikola i can tell he was in my dream but for some reason i feel like it was only his face, his eyes staring at me but i am so confused thinking about it! I think the stress is getting to me and i feel like im ready to blow but i am so confused!

Being independant

Ok... today and yesterday had done some thinking. My personality at the moment is that im insecure, lonely, a baby and no confidence whats so ever and also that i can get extremely guilty!! I am trying to work out how to change these things and believe in myself more!

I dont want to change who i am but i want to feel better about myself. This is the way i think 'if no one else thinks im pretty, smart or normal or someone they could trust and hang out with, then what am i? And why am i here?' These are the questions i ask about myself, i want to cry cause i feel so damn insecure! (But that may be cause my monthlies are around the corner) By the end of this year or at least be on my new years resolution list that i become more confident and loved about myself.

New years resolution! Being more confident and happy about myself and end the year being happy not insecure!!

Lonely Paths

Ok i am posting one more today because i am a little sad and disapointed in my friends and just everyone at this moment. Honestly when i walk into a room i feel like an instant outsider! In english we are learning about belonging and all i know is that i dont belong anymore to anyone or group of people! Im just always there cause i try to belong!

I am so freakin depressed and sad because i am in no classes with any of my old friends and in most of my classes i am a big fat loner!! And its sad to think none of my friends realise! I always go up to them instead of my classmates and they dont realise that i want to be with them and be left out!

Everytime i think about it, it brigs tears to my eyes and anger! NO UNDERSTANDS HOW ALONE I FEEL!! I feel alone in my own house and family and every where i go i feel alone!! My worst nightmare isnt sharks! Its being alone, for the rest of my life and just having no one! At these times i cry and let it out but it makes me feel even worse cause im alone in all of this and have to deal with every little shit by my fucking self!

My problem is even though i have all these feelings i can never tell people how i feel! I want them to feel better not me! When im at home and feeling alone i curl up into a little ball and hide under my blankets and just sit still. I know i have issues, especially with feeling alone!

My whole life i have felt alone! When i was born it was like i was born in a different era and completely isolated from the world and the others. My sisters dont consider me as there sister even though they say they do instead i feel like a distant daughter who is completely insane! My sisters were talking about me and my birth and how i grew up and they remember all this cause they practically raised me but im sick of it! IM SICK OF FEELING LKE THIS! FEELING LIKE AN OUTSIDER! LIKE IM NOT MEANT TO BE HERE!!!!

Wake up call

I have had a wake up call and realised this past week that i honestly certifiably crazy. The boy whom i like, i shall reveal his name cause its stupid to keep sayig the boy, is Nikola and yes i thought that was a girls name at first too.

Lately i havent actually gona crazy over him or swooned over him but more like few glances kinda thing. But today Jiji whos real name is Jessica, explained to me a situation she had with him. She explained that she finally realised how buff he looks and as soon as she said it i couldnt stop thinking about it! He was playing sport today and all i have to say is DAMN SON!!

I have this weird feeling like he wants to speak to me but doesnt but after all its just a feeling. He is hot, bad boy, sweet boy, and just Cute boy sometimes but right now i feel like i cant be bothered anymore.

Recently i have been feeling lonely and sick and sorry for myself (i seriously am selfish!) I keep thinking about Nikola and my family and friends and school and how i feel alone while real people out there are dealing with bigger stuff! But to sooth myself and live a life more exciting and fun and full of energy is through my books. I have taken up reading again and it has honestly been the best! Its the one place where i can escape and become the character in the book and be interesting than the dull, selfish, lonely person i am on the outside.

Reading keeps me from thinking about everything in my life, in detail. Its my safe place, inside my head, where i can be whom i want!

I know im lost and confused and plain dumb but i cant escape this world anymore. I used to be able to forget it cause i was always preoccuppied but now it seems like everything is getting to me! But book are my saviour and my life at this moment in time! Chao now :P

On the road to recovery

I have some time to think and i am taking the steps to moving on with my life. First step was actually admitting to myself and a few friends that I actually like him! And now i just need to be comfortable with this and move on. Even though he is in half of my classes i just need to deal with it and face that nothing will ever happen between us!!

My next steps is getting on with my life and thinking of me. Think of my future and work out my plan for it.

But i have realised i feel really really alone! I have no one to speak to of how i am dealing with stuff and how sad i feel all the time. I feel like i am just dragging my friends lives down with my problems when i really have nothing figured out. I feel like there is nothing left for me out there in the world, just me and my sad depression. I dont know what to do and how to feel cause i am so confused.

Tonight i have realised that i have so many issues with being alone. I just want someone else to speak with and talk to cause right now i feel really lonely. I want someone there to listen to me and tell me things are fine and love me. In english the topic is belonging and i have realised i have always felt alone. I feel empty inside when no one is there for me or for me to be. I nearly cry myself to sleep every night knowing im alone. I have no idea why im like this cause im being stupid and other people have real problems!!

Even with all this i am recovering and been feeling kinda better about things but i still feel so stressed. I really want someonethere for me, for me to speak to and communicate with! I am keeping my self distracted but it doesnt seem to make me feel better. I know i am close with Jiji and this year we seemed to have grown closer but rn i feel like someone in her life whose annoying her. She has problems on her own and i talk about mine?! Now thats being selfish and stupid!! In my eyes i am damaged and only care about my self centered self.

But this is the one place where i can speak truthfully and let out what i know about myself. I am just realise my future and how to move of with my life while being alone.

First day

Today was the first day back to school and it seemed normal. I only had about two hours of school today and i gotta say it was boring. Starting year 12 is tiring cause you get many lectures and "talks" from teachers about what we should be doing and etc.

Two big things which i would have loved to have avoided would be (1) Getting results back fron any subject about my yearly exams. And (2) Seeing the guy who pops into my head quite alot. Its kinda hard to avoid both, getting results back always happens unless the teacher keeps forgetting and etc. And seeing the guy cant be avoided cause he is basically in all my classes.

But other than those few issues the day was fine :) I was kinda happy to see him but i wasnt sure how i was feeling towards and about him. I felt like i wanted to see him and talk to him but at the same time didnt really need to bother, so i was confused. I know for sure that i still have some kind of interest in him cause I keep looking over or trying to listen to him haha. Right now im not sure and i want to  speak to Jiji about him but for now i need to wait to be sure im over him or im into him. But i know if i was into him i cant do it, and i couldnt actually date him!! I dunno what to think anymore and i am very confused! It felt like he wanted me to walk with him this afternoon and that he wanted to talk to me and get my attention but its all in my head! At least it had to be... he seemed much more sweeter and back to himself after the holidays, which made me smile but feel strange inside like i do like him but i dont.

I did alot of stationary shopping today and bought alot which i am pleased with :) and when i got home i felt like painting so i decided to start painting a bit and its there on the screen. I am not sure what it says or what its about i just tried to paint abit. When i get bored this is what i do.

To summarise today, i felt confused, sad and angry but hopefully tomorrow i will have a better day :)

Blogging so far…

Blogging so far has been a great help to get my emotions and actually talk about all the things happening in my life. Its been like a month since i started blogging and i read back on my previous posts and realised everything again.

I realised why i liked the boy, why i hate my sisters sometimes and most of all why i dont want to grow up! I am scared of everything right now and how everything will turn out when i go back to school. Looking back at old posts i realise why i like the boy and if i go back i probably will fall for him but right now doesnt seem like i will. I am so worried about all my subjects and how things will turn out for my future.

I have school tomorrow and i am worried, because i get my results back from my exam and the boy and etc. Wish i knew what i was doijg with my life instead of just waiting for whats coming next and not having a plan. I am seriously terrified of the future, hsc and whats coming next. Growing up is honestly a terrible thing to think about, i dont want to face the real world i just want to remain in this time and place. Growing up also means growing old and facing all the things i dont want to face and eventually death. But i know everyday i could die, i could turn a corner and car crashes me,i could get bitten by a snake etc. All these terrible images on ways to die, honestly terrifing, but if i knew my future and fate i would probably rather not know cause it could be anything.

I really feel like i need someone, someone there for me to lean on and ask advice and get comfort from. I wish for my sisters to be there for me and to help me and understand what i am going through. Going through this alone honestly hurts, they dont have to go through it with me but if they could understand me and help me through it. I am so scared!! I want them to be here and i want to easily talk to them but i cant.

Honestly sometimes i want him to be here for me to talk to, for me to cuddle with and him to understand me. These are all the things i wish for and everything i want but life isnt easy and i am just asking to be spoon fed. Its wrong for me to think that way! I feel so alone, so sad and alone, i wish for just someone whom can help me! For them to tell me i can do and make it through this life.

Tomorrow i am hoping i can do this, and i am hoping i can make it through the week and term!! Hopefully " I got this!" this has become my new catch phrase. I really hope i can do it tomorrow and not have feelings for this guy and also face my exam results!!

Life, right now?

My life at the moment is muddled. Its more of my thoughts which are muddled. At this moment i am not sure what i am here for and what i am living for. I dont want to sound arrogant or high class but i get spoon fed a lot of things in my life. Right now i kinda want some guidance to what i should do, just a little push in the right direction not a tour through life. I have been kinda distant these days, kinda away from the world and life.

I dont really text and talk to Jiji much anymore, and when people talj to me nowadays i dont really pay attention. I am always lost in thought and blocking everything out, i feel distant from everyone else. Last few posts i talked about school and how i kinda have inspiration and motivation yo try again at school but really i am still lost. Everyone i know has a goal set for their future but for me i just wanna have fun, not grow up and live a little. But i am sick of the way i am living right now, i just want to be like everyone else and know what i want out of life. Right now being here doesnt sound like a good idea, especially if i dont serve a purpose.

I know i am a mistake, a surprise to the family, an accident. It makes me embarrassed and sad cause i have no one and feel left out. If i was really meant to be here, i want to know why already. I need a purpose, a reason for me to try and for me to live and be here. I am so distant from anyone and scared of the future that i dont know what to do with myself half the time. I have school in like 2 days and i havent even bought books and stuff for school.

I know the reason as to why i fixate on the guy whom i have a crush on or what ever. Its because i am hoping that at any moment he sweeps me off my feet and surprises me and guides me through life, for him to change for me and show me thats what i can do to a person. He flirts with me, he smiles at me and he shows me the side i used to know, why cant i think he cares and can change for me and show me who he really is? No, Because this is a childs dream and i was no longer a child anymore...

Relief?

Today i learnt a valuable lesson and got a hint of inspiration. My valuable lesson was have fun while you can but learn as much as you can. My hint of inspiration was from my cousins Bridget and Rachel whom are doing their hsc right now. Watching and hearing both of them working so hard has given me some motivation. My inspiration was my cousin Bridget getting into the university she wanted to get into! This gave me a wake up call that in a year or so i will be doing my hsc! And i will be graduating :(

The first thing i need to do is find my main goal. Before it was to get an atar of 80 and above but now i want to find a more specific goal and so i can move up to it. For now its to bring up my bad subjects which are maths, english and biology, but i also want to excel in business studies and modern history. I need to work hardest on is maths and biology but seeing the subjects i can decide which subject i want to drop and etc.

My english is the one i want to work on. Back in primary school i used to need to go have special lessons with a teacher cause i was that dumb. But it got much better. And ever since i stopped reading it? So i want to start my reading up again!!

Goal is to get organised and keep on track. At least i have a small part of my goal :(

The end is near

The end is near is the title of this post and it has nothing to do with the world or my life. The title represents my holiday life, since its my last year of school and i am classified as a year 12 its my last real school holidays. And the holidays are nearly over :( There are a few reasons why i dont want to go back to school.

Firstly its my last year and well its scary thinking i am gonna graduate and not have school in my life anymore. Last year where i have to try hard to get good marks to get into university. I find it pressurable at times to try and i freak out thinking about it too much.

Secondly i dont want to see the boy, i dont want to see his face and have my feeling come back. I aint to sure if it wont happen cause its happened before. When i went paintball i was expecting to see him but i didnt see him and was slightly disapointed but mostly was happy. Because otherwise it would distract me.

I have been sleeping at my cousins and it has been fun. But i felt so guilty in the morning of paintball because i missed my train and my poor aunty had to drive me to the place where we were meant to meet. My guilt was eating me up all day it was terrible. But later at night i had a little to drink for the first time and i realised i get red in the face and was sleepy quickly, probably cause it was wine not like shots and stuff.

I am definitely not looking forward to school because i feel like i just started my life and it ends now. As in my social life and friends and well partying. Honestly you dont have a teenage life without experiencing these things.

Not angry, not sad, just want to be left alone..

Sometimes i just like to be left alone. Its not because i am angry or sad, its just i like to be left alone!

When i am angry i like to be left alone but i vent to someone in the end. When i am sad i end up having a good cry or think and ends up talking to someone. But when i want to be left alone it just means i want to escape reality and live in my thoughts for awhile.

When i am alone i think of all these different senarios and possibilities even though i know its not real. Even though being alone can be lonely, i live and think in my mind. Being alone is my time and its the time where i can be and who and what i wanna be. But the bad thing about being alone is that the end result you feel sad, angry or just plain emotional. Cause when your alone you think of the "what ifs", "maybe if", "the i dont have this" and "the wish i had this".

I finished watching a show called awkward and it had a segment or episodes main question or statement "think about yourself". This got me thinking of me and so i am, i am gonna stand up for myself and try to fit in and not let anything as stupid and boys out of my mind.

Memories

I keep thinking of the guy whom i seem to be hung up on still. But all i think are about are the good memories of him even though i know thats all they are memories! All these memories doesnt mean it he will suddenly change tomorrow and become a nice guy. All i see in these memories are the good parts! All these memories make me think he hasnt changed he is still the same but i am wrong! I want to think i can change him and he can go back to who he was but its not gonna happen for me! That stuff only happens in movie! I keep thinking its all an act and he is actually a really nice guy but i know its not. Deep deep inside my heart i know he hadnt changed that much but the rest of my heart right now knows he had!

Today i read back on my previous posts on my blog and reading them, i know i am finally over him! The only reason i bring him up and think i like him is because i feel lonely and just want someone else to tell me everything will be ok. Now i know though that staying in the past wont help me grow and become a better person and become who i truely am!

Even though i know i shouldnt stay in the past, today i have been thinking of memories. And all the memories i have are sweet. Like the memory of meeting Jiji, even though i thought we were so different and that our personalities didnt match and she was a pretty strong character. I got to know her and i realised a bit of who i am and she brought out that part and made me feel comfortable with who i am. Which is loud and more like her than i thought. I used to be loud to get attention and friends but now i realise i am loud and stuff because i like to be. Learning about myself and who i am and trying to figure that out was all thanx to Jiji and i owe her deeply!

I know the staying in the past is bad but learning from it and thinking back on it isnt... right?! I have been thinking of things and doing things for myself and i am taking it serious to find out who i really am! Even though i have alot coming up in the next week, tomorrow is my relax day! I am hoping i can live through the next week and survive! But i am so happy because on sunday i am going to be able to hang out with Jiji! I havent seen her in so long but even though we talk to each other everyday i feel so distant cause our texts are blant.

I hope i accomplish something this holidays and learn to think of me and only me for a while and be confident enough to know i dont need a man in my life! That i can stand on my own two feet! Even though staying in the past is not the answer, looking back on it and seeing how i have grown and matured helps find the answer :)