Leaving…

Just heard today that a guy named Oskar, whom im not close with but are friends with and is cute, is moving away and schools! This reminded me of all the people who have left our school in previous years :( My friend Phillip whom i was getting close to and he was so nice and defended me left. Sina a girl whom i was very close with and had fun with left :( and a bunch of other people i wasnt really close with but was close friends with left :(

The things i regret the most about when they left was not talking to them more and getting to know them more!! I feel like i only have a short time with everyone now cause we might not be friends forever and not keep in contact so we lose our friendship! :( i miss everyone and i hate to see them go cause everything is good now! We are all together!!

I know i will regret not speaking yo Oskar more and stuff but i still cant muster the confidence to speak to him :( He is best friends with Nikola and im pretty sure Nikola is pretty cut up about his friend leaving cause all the rest have left. And these guys are his closest of friends, I am slightly worried as to how he will handle it and if he is ok but i have no balls to ask! But i wanna try to speak to both Oskar and Nikola and see how things are cause i worry LOL (this is funny cause i barely speak to them or interact with them in any way haha)

Insecurity

Insecurity, this one word describes how i feel alot! I dont feel confident, strong, happy and let alone, me! I feel like i have lost myself a bit. I dont feel confident and strong enough to stand on my own, take my life into my own hands. I am scared, i have already classified that but i dont feel like i have moved forward. I feel like im stuck in this one spot waiting for someone or something to help me move forward.

I am insecure, about my body, my personality and who i am. I dont feel right and i dont know how to make myself move forward and take a leap. I have tried to try new things but they dont work out for me! I feel like everyday im playing charades with everyone around me and myself. Trying to figure out where i am at this point in time and where i want to be. Everyone has wants and everyone has needs but i dont feel like i have either. I feel like im running in this one direction trying to get to this one point but actually im here stuck in the same spot running to nothing.

I remember when i was younger i felt way more confident and myself. I felt like no weight was on my shoulders and i could run to wherever i wanted to be. In the movie twilight: eclipse One of Bella's friends explains how people ask us each time in our lives what we wanna be when we grow up. And now that we are growing up they want a serious answer but i dont know! She says 'nows the time to make mistakes, time and time again. To grow and learn so when they do ask us we will know! But i feel like i dont want to make mistakes and take risks i want to stay at home in bed with my laptop and books and just stay there and not face the world cause im scared and insecure of what people will think of me!

Figuring it all out...

Lately ive realised how dramatic i can be and how crazy i can get. I also realised how much i overthink a situation! Today i have been thinking of my past and how care free i used to be. I used to think i wasnt very care free but now that i look back i can see that i honestly give a shit about what my actions were or what i say and just did it! But now i overthink everything!! I need to take a chill pill!!

Few days ago i had a fight with my friend Gina and mostly cause i got pissed off easily but because i had so much to say to her!! I have so many friends but i have become so aware and afraid of my actions and reactions of others that i have lost the ability to enjoy my life without being paranoid all the time! By the end of this week i wanna be able to speak freely and become more of myself! I need to stop being shy and think like the independent girl i am!! Being loud, happy and free like i used to be! Showing people how much fun i can be and not just follow around like a lost puppy!! I want to be able to be myself!

Truth is my ex bestfriend Taiesha's Birthday is coming up and i wanted to make a video card for her like i did for Sandy! But im really nervous because i have lost her friendship and be have lost touch and basically fallen apart! I have no idea what to say to her. I have so much i want to say but im just too chicken to step up and say it! All we both really have in common now is our memories of the past! I miss them alot but in reality the reason we both went our own ways is because we have both become different people and taken seperate paths.

I dont know what to think or do with my life right now! I said i need to go back to the old me by the end of this week but i feel like i cant go back. Like instead of moving forward with my life, im just moving back. I am not sure how to act anymore but i need some time to myself to figure that out! Hopefully by the beginning of next week i will have some kind of plan :)

This week is my second workplacement week of the year and this time im doing it with Sandy :) hopefully i will be able to meet some nice, new people :)

Ffs

No wonder i was so angry and emotional and sad and all over the place yesterday! It was the day before my bloody monthlies!!

So i know why i was so emotional yesterday now which im kinda happy about cause i know why! I felt so high on my emotions i would have cried at anything haha

But today i went to a first birthday party and it was so fun!! I loved playing with all the kids and eating all dat asian and yummy white people food haha i saw so many half cast babies i was just so happy!! But i am tired now and im about to clonk out :P but i am gonna have a nap now cause twilight marathon with my cousins tonight :) YAY

Since i have let it all out, i can feel the pain and all i can do it lie here!

Emotions

Wow im feeling so damn emotional right now!! Everyone keeps saying Cheanda its ok, your ok! Your not alone, you can talk to me, your not a burden etc etc. Well people dont understand me!! I have been keeping most of my emotions in, But right now they are all coming out!! All at once i feel my loneliness, i can feel myself pulling away from everyone!

do i belong? I dunno! Most likely not because of myself and my mind i pull myself away from everyone! Im so desperate to not feel alone that i bet if a guy did try to hit on i bet i would flirt back and i dunno from there! But i do care and i just cant anymore!! All i can remember right now is that i lost one of my best friends, taiesha, i saw her at the party she was drunk as hell and her boyfriend was there for her the whole time!! Thats what i want, not crying in my room by myself! All i see is me alone, Jessica talks about her and her brother and david and even though some are suckie situations its what i still want!

All i do is think about me, it pisses me off!! I want to switch off my brain and Kill something!! I wanna drink till im dead anything to make all this stop!! I push everyone away from me and its all my fault!! These past few weeks i keep thinking im fine, im not alone, concentrating on Nikola but i know what i want is someone here with me! Someone to laugh and talk with! All i know right now is when i close my bedroom door all i hear is silence.

Jessica told me to keep my innocence and just wait for that one person. But what if that person comes around and i have already gone mad and push/scare them away! Ever since i was little i dreamed of my perfect life. Most people dream about going uni, being a vet but me it was always boys! I always dreamed about the perfect kiss, the hugs, just everything!! UGHHHH WHYYYYYY AM I LIKE THISSSSS!!!! FUCKKK

Right now i dont know what to do! I just wanna lie in bed under my covers cry and bash everything around and scream!! Cause thats how i feel right now!!! I wanna get a knife and stick it into my heart and cut it out and smash it with a sledge hammer, i wanna bash my head in and just stop thinking!!!!!!

I WANT IT TO ALL STOPPPPPP!!! ALL I DO IS OVERTHINK AND JUST FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF!! WHYYYYY!! No wonder im a mistakeee!!!!

Likes

I like chocolate, i like dogs, i like roses and i like Nikola! This boy causes me so much trouble!! I cant seem to have a moment of peace without him popping up!

Well today i found out, that one of my friends (we arent that close) likes him, well at least i think so! I had alot of opportunities to speak to him today but i didnt :( i feel so stupid that i cant do a stupid simple thing like saying "hi"! but know that my friend Vivian likes him makes me feel insecure and makes me feel like i cant and shouldnt like him! Cause shes so outgoing and outspoken while im very timid and shy (sometimes)

I know the reason im shy at the moment is because of the party! It muddled me up!! I feel like everything i say and do will be judged! Today i kinda ran into Jono and i think he wanted to speak to me but i kinda escaped it! I think he knew i didnt want to speak to him but he kept looking back at me which was so strange!! If he only knew how i felt about the biggest douchbag in our year *Nikola*!!

When i was younger i remember just randomly going up and speaking to him. He didnt mind and we enjoyed each others company. But now i have changed and become this timid shy girl! I want to change back into my old shell and become more outgoing and fun! I cant seem to do that anymore :( I can feel he wants to speak to me but whenever i did i would just give him one shot answers and run away! Before i used to keep the convo going and just carry on like usual.

I hate feeling hopeless, fearful instead of fearless, i overthink way too much mow and just makes my mind become all muddled up, i wanna feel like i have nothing to lose and i can just be good old me again :( But right now i feel like i have a lot more to lose than i did when i was younger!! Tomorrow is the last day before workplacement and its time to try become the old me again!!

Recently

Well recently Nikola has been staying around me more, honestly it all could be in my mind but i cant help but feel that he is always near me!! Im not sure what to do right now with myself and the situation i have put myself into with him! Jessica keeps saying she thinks he like me but although i would love to think that i dont think its true!!

Honestly he is such a distraction in my life but right now im not caring 'too' much. Just slightly noticing and caring, mainly im just sick of the mind games and want them to stop! But i still notice things which is something that is maybe some kind of sign but i refuse to actually believe it!

With school i am just sick of it and treat it as normal. School and then home and just basically stay in my room but i try my best to do some work!! I need my notes to get into order cause i have none at the moment!! I am a little freaked out but i dont care at the moment about the future cause if i think about it too hard im gonna have a break down for sure!!

Next week is workplacement with Sandy :) this will be my time to catch up, leave school behind me and leave my mind games of Nikola behind haha

News

Today i heard some aweful news which has actually kinda made me lose my faith in everything. Today i heard of my distant uncle passed away, and we had just found out after 2 months. My Aunty i remember was always the sweetest to me and her husband my late uncle absolutely sweet to me! I remember him riding his bike bringing me bread and having the sweetest smile.

My Aunty has come across loss of loved ones many times in her life! I remember at my great Aunties funeral (my aunties mum), my aunty cried so hard as she saw her mothers coffin go down into the ground! Thats the day i cried so hard, i used to think funerals and people dying was normal, and it is but i was completely surprised of what it did to others cause i was to young to know anything. Even though i didnt know my uncle too well i just remember his sweet smile and never being able to see it anymore!

To think my family and me had just found out now, two months later which makes me sick! This means to me that death could be waiting at any corner for any of us. I feel like crying now remembering my aunties cries when her mother being buried, all i feel right now hearing that is nothing and i dont want to feel anything anymore cause it all just seems like a waist of time!

Bad day!!

Today i had the worst fucking day!! I had a feeling i would but it only hit me during my 4th period english class when i am sure i was calles a whore by Nikola! But he didnt say it directly to my face my friend Thanh told me that! I feel so fucked over because everyone is making rumours about me and all i wanted to do on the night was sleep and have fun but instead i had a shit fucking experience!! Just because i slept in the bed full of the guys!! I just wanted a fucking place to sleep!! Cant you fuckers see that!!

People found out about Jono trying to make a move on me but fucking hell i am still and was really pissed before!! I just want to die in my room or fall asleep in my room and never wake up or just wake up in a better world!! I honestly hate all the boys at my fuckin school!!

Everywhere i walk its like im being judged my everyone i walk past!! I hate these fucking people for judging me on what im not!! I aint a slut or a whore and fuck off i am a sensitive girl who is about to cry herself to sleep cause of all you little fuckers!!

And this is just my fucking problems!! Poor Jessica has to deal with so much shit from her bf and i just want to help her be happy!! I hate my life right now!! Im at an ultimate low!! I wanna cry myself to sleep and wake up to the holidays!! Tomorrow is finally my day to have time with Jessica! We are gonna go shopping, eat and forget all this shit!!!!

First time

Yesterday night was my first night going to a hotel party and drinking! I had a lot of fun and was kinda disappointing at the same time. Most people would disaprove of drinking at my age but honestly its good old fun and a great distraction from the real world for a while.

I wasnt drunk but i had quite a lot to drink i guess?! I had 6 shots of vodka and i only got tipsy, Jessica told me that i would get tipsy and slightly drunk at 3-4 shots but i had 6 which i was really proud of! The alcohol kinda effected me i guess, but made me extremely red!!

The most awkward and weird thing of the night was one of my guy friends Jonothan was trying to spoon me and just completely weird!! We arent that close and it was just weird cause its Jonothan. I got kicked out of my bed cause someone stole me spot and so Jonothan said come there is a spare bed. I was like ok then and i went to sleep and he was like yeah i should sleep to cause he tired. And later on one of the guys came into bed too and well there were 4 in a bed and i was squashed in the middle!! My hair was stuck under Jonothan and i needed to pee and move and get a drink. So i got up (hardly) and i did all that but i didnt want to go back to the middle so i stayed outside for a bit. Then one of the boys came out of the room and Jonothan also came out too and came to call me to come back to bed. Now at this stage i was like ngaw how sweet he cares about me, that i need sleep. Anyway i went back to bed and this time was completely comfy until another one of the guys jumped into bed and made it squashy again. So Jono was extremely close to me but honestly i didnt care! I was slowly falling asleep when he placed his hand on the side of my hip like lazily and i was like wtfffff! I was like huh?! And then he slowly started to move his arm into place and his hand started to touch my elbow and he kinda like stroked it (ewww chills!), then his chin or forehead was on my back and his leg brushed up on mine. EWW OMFG I CANT THINK ABOUT IT!! And well being who i am i freaked out slightly going omg he is so close to me!! Like im not used to people bein that close to me when im sleeping!! And basically i brushed him off cause i faked waking up and realising his hand was on me and etc and basically moved it back to him which was so rude now that i think about it!!

I have nothing against spooning and nothing against Jonothan but it honestly creeped the shit out of me cause i wasnt used to it!! I reckon Jono thought he should take care of me cause i kinda took care of him when his lip was bleeding cause he got kneed to the face. I think i nearly took care of everyone that night i swear haha i think when im tipsy i am a very caring person (im not bragging or anything! Its what i think!!) I kinda liked being spooned but it was so unexpected and weird and just OMG!! I dunno what to think atm!

I was slightly disappointed that Nikola didnt go to the party but im glad he didnt cause i would have felt weird and uncomfortable! Im so tired right now though! I had 3 hours of sleep and just came home and slept :)

But tomorrow is school again which is sad! And i have to do a speech in front of the whole school -_- I am really really hoping it will rain tomorrow but i dont think that will happen haha Hopefully after some more sleep now i can start tomorrow fresh and feeling good!!

Piss me off

Ok so today my friend jessica had a fight with her boyfriend who is an inconciderate little asswhole who i thought i liked! But he just crossed the line and seriously he cant fucking grow the fuck up!! This is my best friend you are dating and your fucking ruining her life!! A relationship is about two sides and you both should have opinions not just one side!! Men think they can walk all over us! Like fuck no they cant we arent toys we are hot fuckig young women who should have fucking independence!! Fucking kidding me seriously so immature!!

Ok so i have calmed down and decided im gonna speak to him no matter what!! He cant do this to her its not right!! I just wanna listen and know why he did this shit to her!! But i cant believe he can be that immature!!

Bugggssss

Follow up

Ok so this is just a follow up of my previous post. I had some great talks with my sisters and let it out really good! And i now have a better relationship with my sister Fiona whom i always felt most distant from! But i feel happy that i got that worked out!! :)

Also i am so sick right now and i am just dying and not sure if i will survive this week!! but i am hoping i will :) also i am no longer going to linger over nikola and just gonna have fun with life and whatever comes my way i am just gonna live my life have fun and be happy! I do honestly have feelings for nikola still but today even when i saw him and he was near me i didnt care as much and well i didnt care when i talked to him or i made eye contact it just felt normal! But i have to say this, his eyes were amazingly bright today, like a bright bluey green and thats just fucking hot haha

But anyway everything pretty great right now but only thing bad would be my current relationship with my parents and the fact that i am so fucking sick!!

Letting it all out

Today i let out all my feelings way to much and just exploded to my sisters! I told them everything cause i just couldnt deal with them ridiculing me. I had the worst morning and i just taken a bite out of and it honestly really hurt me! So i wrote this long as message to one of my sisters and let it all out! I couldnt deal with them at school so i wrote it when i got home and sent it cause i knew when i would write it i would cry! There are some spelling mistakes and i am sorry for that i was mad and i still am and i was sad and etc.

Look i am honestly sick of hearing that because you guys dont actually know how i feel and what i do in my life! You told me that your the "sister" to go to and speak to but honestly i never speak to you and i know why cause you just had a baby and i understand that! But even though i am extremely happy to be an aunty i want to have "Real" sisters! One which i can talk about my day to ones who i can speak my mind and not get judged on what i say or saying im being stupid just cause you dont understand cause of the generation gap!! The only person in our family i have ever spoken to honestly is Ocean! And i miss her cause of that because i am freaking hell out about the future and my atar and hsc and all these big decisions on changing subjects and it will all come down to one bloody test making up my entire future and i cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about all of this! And you think i can always talk to family, well i cant! I try speak to mum and shes always on her ipad and doesnt understand what im saying, gigi doesnt care and doesnt listen and just pushes me to do hw and study just cause she never ever went out and had fun and want a life and she liked studying!!! And dad well doesnt understand takes things the wrong way and you and fiona dont live here! And you and fiona have your own lives to deal with and theres we adopted child who cames out of no where 16 years later! I come home everyday and lock myself in my room cause i dont want to get into anyones way and i smile and i act sweet, funny  and just plain happy looking but im not! I hide so much in my life that when i have a bad day everything comes out and everyone thinks there is something wrong with me. This is why i dont speak to any of you! when i do you speak to me as a child and give me your opinion on school and how i should do things when i just wanted your support and maybe a hug here and there. We come from different generations which is why i cant talk to you and all you guys telling me how you wished you tried in school is not helping its like i have to live your lives for you and i aint gonna do that! But honestly dont think i am a smiley happy and doing well little sister cause im not and i never will be with sisters like you guys! I just always wanted someone i could talk to and count on someone my age who can give me an opinion without a lecture. But i know, i really know i am not meant to be here and i came into your lives so suddenly and dont fit in with you guys but i didnt ask for this and i would never wish this for anyone! So this is why i dont talk to you guys and heres my life story and now you know that i am not ok all the time and i am not melodramatic cause you guys dont remember the pressure of school and how much things have changed!

All of this is true and its the message of how i really felt! Nothing they say could ever make me feel better and nothing could make me ever actually truely feel apart of this family!

Imagination

I honestly think my imagination is incredibly wild and crazy and huge! I honestly imagine something up so i can forget something or distract myself or just fun sometimes. But the most times they come handy is when i am having a hard time like anyone else. I feel like i do it too much now that i am believing to believe i am happy like in my imaginary world.

Fear?

Today and right now its late and i do really want to sleep, but for some reason i have a fear of falling asleep cause i dont know of how i will feel when i wake up! I am scared i wont get back up on my two feet and move on with my life. I am scared that i wont be able to move from my bed and live my life. I am scared to discover my emotions towards myself and others. I am scared of finding out things i dont want to hear! For that i am just scared!!

When i sleep i dont know what i will dream about! If i want to dream or not, or what happens after i dream a dream i dont want or i do want! I am extremely tired but completely scared, i just hope i can get a good sleep tonight and wake up in a better, happier mood!!

Mind games

Yesterday and today i had a very strange encounter with Nikola. First he was sweet to me yesterday and etc, he spoke to me on fb asking for help in english hw but i said i was busy and etc. But when i said i can help you later if you want he stopped replying. I know he saw the message but he refused to speak to me. And today nothing really happened but he ignored me and didnt talk to me in english or he was obviously in a bad mood but later me and my friend Gina were walking to the station and we were quite far from Nikola. He was crossing the road when we were at the lights and he turned around and we had awkward eye contact. Also before that we had business and it was double so in the break we went to the toilet me and my friend emma and Nikola and his friend Peter were getting sausages on a roll. And they left straight after and when me and emma went back to class and sat down Nikola walked in and looked at me, yet again awkward eye contact. And also when he had walked in at the beginning of the lesson i felt him stare. I just keep having this feeling that he stares at me -_-

Also a few days before his friend Oskar and me were talking and well, remember a while back i said Nikola defended me about my height and we compared heights and he was taller. Well that was after social night and now Oskar also said the same thing cause we compared height but he defended me too but not really. Well this got me thinking that it means nothing that Nikola said that but Jessica explained he defended me while everyone was teasing me and gave me a headache! And whenever i speak about Nikola to someone i also go really red in the face and blush which gives me the shits cause its so embarrassing!!

This boy gives me all sorts of headaches!! One minute being nice to me and then next being an ass!! I want to stop feeling this way about him so i can just have fun and move on with my life!! Pisses me off how stupid i get when i am around him or even talking about him!! And when it comes to him i over analyse every situation involving him -_- I really hope someone better comes around now cause i am sick of these mind games this boy plays!!

I never realised how much it hurts to see the person you like sit there and not even have a second thought of you. I see him on facebook, i see out previous conversation and how he saw it and never replied and it honestly really hurts me to see how much he doesnt care! But i guess i have to get used to it cause its the actual truth!