why?

Today I had a pretty shit day but only parts of it was shit but it was still ok lol the shit part was getting my mark back for my business studies exam which i did so shit it honestly felt gut wrenching but i didn't want to go mad over that tiny detail cause i know its only the beginning and there is always time to fix it. The reason i am asking why today is because something happened a while ago and one of my close (kinda) guy friends kind of well hit on me and well just went a little mad but this was when he was drunk and had just broke up with his girlfriend. His name is Thanh and well he really went crazy and everyone remembers and this was at a party and I kind of really felt uncomfortable that night. Well you see I have moved past it and I think he has too but I'm not too sure but one thing for sure I know other people haven't gotten over it! Because people have been teasing about it through the holidays, his best friend Brandon won't let it go and he told me he had given me shit throughout the holidays about it which is just fucked up LOL but you see Thanh hadn't gone to school today and I guess because Thanh wasn't around it was time to tease me instead and well this went on for a while. Throughout the day I had been hearing comments about it but in all honesty I don't really care but it did kind of bug me at times and made me embarrassed, especially when Nikola also was in on it and I was just pissed kind of at that stage but anyway yeah I am over it now. Tomorrow I am just hoping for no more comments and just for this to be erased out of the books!

Dreams

Recently I realized that we all dream and we all have dreams which we wish to achieve. For me I always remember having the dream of having a stable job, I have moved out and I travel with my loving boyfriend or live a comfortable life in a loft near the city. Yes this is a pretty strange dream for a little girl to have but it was my dream because it was what my sisters had and they always looked happy to me. But life goes on and dreams change but for me I still have a similar dream and mainly its to be happy, but right now I wouldn't say I am happy at all. Stress of things get to my head to much that I turn it off a just basically rebel against everything. But when I close my eyes and block out the noise around me I am dreaming again, into a world which I wish for and so desperately want. In a drama I have watched recently the main male character is dreaming a happy dream, one which he desperately wants but knows he cannot ever get, when he wakes from the dream he says "Now I know I can never dream a happy dream again". Nowadays I connect my life to those words, because I know I am not moving towards my goal now. I dream and dream about it but right now its an all a dream and that's all, I can do nothing to change it because I don't have that confidence in myself. I used to have an inspiration kind of or a motivation but now I feel just drained, yes I want to enjoy my life and this year cause its the last but right now I feel like I'm floating in space. School starts soon and honestly I hate it! I used to look forward to school but right now I just want it to be all over!!! I don't want to face anyone or those people, this holidays I have created a nice safeguard against all of that but since the time to start again is gathering near I just want to hide away. I honestly think leaving school would be the best thing for me right now cause I'm too lost there to concentrate. I am not sure how I am going to handle the rest of this year but the start of it isn't too great, only great thing was the brief holiday with my family. But I think this year in class I am going to isolate myself and try to get less distracted now but really I am so so so over it! and its just painful to think about!

Understandings

Today I just realized why I hate being here and in this family. Because I am the youngest I get all the bad shit, all the fucking shit I have to deal with like fuck. Today was my nieces 3rd Birthday and I was fine in the morning but what I hate the most is dealing with everyone's issues like when my sisters are pissed they take out all their shit on me like do I have to put up with all your fucking shit do I not have my own fucking problems like fuck. And when they tell me what to do, like everything and then when I act pissed they say your the youngest, this is what you should expect. Like fuck I didn't ducking choose to be the youngest to be born into this fucking family, I honestly don't care about what people say, yeah I may look like I have the perfect family and I am fine with everything but no I'm fucking not. Everyone doesn't know about the behind the scenes roll, honestly at one stag in my life I was at the point where I was so depressed I was cutting myself and actually nearly killed myself. Everyone would ask me anything wrong but I would always say I'm fine because I don't want to burden their lives but finally I got out of that funk. What I hate the most is how people treat me, all my cousins and sisters and everyone in my family. Like honestly they tease me which I don't mind at all but when its all they can say to me and say to others about me like fuck off, Like I have moved away from that, ever since primary school that's the shit I had to deal with because I was a follower not a "main" person or "popular girl". Like fuck I don't bother people with this because I don't want to face it, all those times people would tease me till I end up crying in the toilets. I hate the feeling of being left out because that's how it was in the past but now it just seems normal now and I don't bother to get my hopes up about fitting in. Right now I want to cry because everything that happened today just reminded me of the past and it hurts. I act like a badass, like I don't care but really it actually really gets to me. I don't want to deal with any of your shit now, right now I am kinda in the same state of mind when I used to cut myself but I wont because that's just stupid. But I am going to be cold now to everyone, or well just turn my emotions.. off.

Why is it that everytime you do that to me!

I saw him again. I didnt really feel anything but something felt different this time, it was like a mutual feeling towards him. But things went back to normal, we flirted, had our banta and talked, like really talked which was nice :)

But a few things felt weird, he said only because Cheanda said so, which was weird. And before he left that awkward handshake? I am confused but not estatic or happy that i saw him just confused.

This was a few days ago, when i saw him again but now ever since i saw him i miss him which is strange. To escape this feeling i turn where i will only feel happy and that is my family. When i am with them i only feel happy because we are all together and as in family i mean extended family. They help me feel like i dont need to care about anything and just have fun with life but life isnt that easy. I guesd today is the day i feel lonely and well it sucks, because i think of those moments all over again.

Sup Ya'll

Hey darlings, I'm wondering how everyone has been :) Tomorrow I'm going to see my cousin Belinda and we are going to watch Catching Fire, Finally!! I am honestly so excited and this would be my first time going to the city in 2014 WOW Anyway last few days have been feeling kind of at peace here at home, but kind of disconnected to the world and my friends. Today I saw my cousin on Ellen which was pretty cool! And she told me that there are plenty of sexy Latino men in LA and honestly I can't wait to grow up and go to LA!!! But I'll probably go when I'm 21 cause that's their legal drinking age haha Party all day and night... can only dream. On to other news, even though I am confident and head strong, I am a little nervous of leaving my house and actually going to the city or places where I would see my friends because... well I don't actually know why. I realized yesterday that a wheel around a lot and am a pretty pushy person, I don't mean to be but it just happens. But after doing some thinking today I don't need to wheel around anymore, I need to stop. I'm sorry, you know who you are, I don't mean to be pushy and push you into my decisions, I am glad we are friends, and I don't want to rely on you anymore cause you have your own life. I know this sounds sappy but I set you free to live your own life, you don't need to have the job of checking up on me, or listening to me anymore :) but I'm here anytime for ya, you know that :) Ok well I'm gonna get some beauty sleep now cause honestly I need it but before that I'm going to have a little me time and just watch a movie and put on a face mask haha Night ya'll

One's self

Hey guys so I just wanted to give you a update before I continue with todays post topic. Well I have been having a really good year so far, I am no longer a sour puss, and haven't had many break outs of anger anymore. When I do its usually about dramas, I have been spending way more time with my family, I haven't seen any friends from school which I am actually happy about because when I do see them I feel insecure and weird I dunno but I only feel comfortable with my family nowadays and also Jessica cause she's also family. And my very last piece of special news is that I got a laptop which gives me a bit more freedom and easier for me to do work and stuff :) Back to my title topic "One's self" this is actually a post which I have been meaning to do for a while, its something I have learnt from 2013 and I want to share it with everyone, meaning all my faithful readers. "One's self" actually refers to ones inner insecurities, this is mainly aimed at young girls/women who have lost their way and need some advice I guess to move forward in life confidently. Back in 2013 I used to care a lot about what others thought and said about me, I used to be negative and just a plain bring a mood downer. But in the last month of 2013 I learnt way more than I did in the whole year, now I'm not saying I didn't learn much in the year but I simply didn't listen to everyone and take in their advice. But in the last month I had a wake up call, I thought about my life and its pretty great because I am surrounded by all these wonderful people who believe, love and support me. I know many of you don't have the life I have but there is always hope, I bet most of you have a hard life but in that hard life I want you to look around and find something, something that gives you hope, may it be realizing how amazing you are! how you have so many loved ones surrounding you who are just trying to protect you or even friends who support you and believe in you. Anything can be your sense of hope, even a dog and I'm serious. The main reason I have chosen to be confident and move forward in life would be because I don't want to lose hope and become some depressed, lonely girl who feels sorry for herself. Many of you may read this and be like wow this girl doesn't know what she is talking about and my life is way worse, what hope do I have to hold on to! But you all do, you just have to find it. I'll tell you all, the reason I got my wake up call. My cousin which I will name Nana, got back with her ex-boyfriend, got a bad HSC mark and started to disrespect her family which have always been there and supported her. The main issue is when she got back with her ex, now many of you would be like nah that's not that bad but it affects everything. You see when Nana got together with this guy, he was sweet and nice and respected her and her family. but after a while he came to disrespect her family and show his true form. He argued with her family, acted as a dick and just became damn disrespectful. She was a girl who was all about family, and he had slowly changed to become disrespectful too. But she woke up from this nightmare and broke it off, he had called her day and night trying to speak to her and get her back but her younger sister had been there to help her, to stop her from not taking her call. The younger sister decided to go out one time and live her life, before she leaves she tells Nana to not answer the phone. The younger sister comes back and the Nana says 'Oh so I answered the phone'. Now you see the younger sister had always been there for her and always told her that this guy was a bad guy and that he was changing her, but instead of listening to her younger sister who was always there for her she acted on her own accord and decided to take the first step to ruining her life. Now at this stage Nana was doing her HSC and she really didn't need any distractions but she had chosen to pick up the phone and cause one to happen. The whole time she was doing her HSC she had been speaking to him, night in and night out when she should really be studying. She even had a good deal of getting into UNI but she had lost that in the end too. Her Mum had heard her speaking to someone in her room every night and knew she wasn't speaking to her sister cause she was outside. Her Mum didn't want to stir up any drama because Nana was doing her HSC but she knew something wasn't right. Jump past a few weeks and its time for her HSC results to come out. When they came she just laughed, her sister couldn't even look at her anymore, her sister had lost all respect for her. You see her sister knew the whole time who she had been speaking to and everything but this had gone way to far because she let this distraction of a boy to get in the way of her studies when she said she would study hard. Her mother yelled at her and told her how can you be so stupid to let this boy get in the way and not study! and her mother stopped speaking to her. Her father yelled at her telling her how can you let that rat back into your life, how can you be so weak! When you break up that's meant to be it but you couldn't even hold off speaking to him for a month! How can you be so stupid to not learn from your mistakes and instead make the same mistake twice! and her father stopped speaking to her too, he just told her to deal with her own mistakes and that he is never a loud in the house ever again! Now life went on and she continued to disrespect her family, and she decided to not care. Everyone she ever loved lost respect for her and treated the way she was acting like a 5 year old. She said she was 18 now, why do you treat me like I'm 5, to her parents and they simply said cause your acting like one. She tells people he has changed and he is different but we don't believe her because if he really had then she wouldn't disrespect and treat her parents this way. Now I had learnt this all from my time at my cousins and seen and heard everything but when I spoke to her she seemed the same but something still felt different. From those few days with them I learnt to respect myself and respect those around me because they love me and care for me ever since I was born. But I mostly learnt to have respect for myself because if you have respect and love yourself then you are ready to let others into your life and know that they wont try to change you or deceive you. But I hadn't realized this yet, I hadn't actually put my thoughts into motion and woken up fully. The New Year came and on that first day was when I got the most devastating and shocking news. Nana had left home to live with this dick. On the day of NYE she came home and said I am leaving and you can't stop me to her mother. Her mother and her father and her siblings had nothing to say, they were waiting for this to happen and ready for her to leave because they had had enough hurt and cried enough tears over the situation, so if she wanted to live with this dick and not listen to those around her then then she should go. Her mother gave her rubbish bags to pack her things in, her grandma cried on the floor begging her to not go, her grandpa who is sick told her to leave and never come back and that she wasn't invited to his funeral. Through all this she didn't cry or care and she left out the door, she didn't even say good bye she just left. Her blood, her own blood and family, and people who raised her she didn't even give them a second look, she just left. Her grandpa told her younger siblings that she is never a loud at his funeral and that she gets nothing and she wasn't even a part of the family any more. I heard this news from her younger sister who cried telling me this, her and her brother had taken the biggest fall because when everyone asked where their older sister Nana was, they couldn't say anything but make excuses because of the embarrassment Nana had left behind. The reason Nana had left was because she didn't have enough respect for herself and those around her. Because she thought only herself and him were the only ones in the world, so she moved in with him but she is 18 and hasn't ever had a job and she thinks she will last with him, no money, no job, no more friends. All everyone can do now in her family is wonder, she could be pregnant, he may have hit her anything could have happened but no one actually knows. From now on its her job to pull herself out of this mess and learn to respect herself and love herself fast before something bad happens. You see everyone, you may think you have it bad but Nana has just lost her family, her future, respect from others and the only people who loved and supported her in her life for some boy. But there is always a way to find hope and get back out there and amend your mistakes, but only you can do that. If Nana decided to come back to her family, it would be hard to gain their respect back but they would take her back no matter what cause she is still family! If you think you suck and you hate your life, think of how Nana must feel now, all she has is a dick of a boyfriend who might even hurt her and no a cent to her name. Don't settle for someone lesser than yourself, and don't just let anyone into your life because if you love yourself enough and respect yourself enough you can stand on your own two feet and be independent. No women or man needs someone else in their life telling them what to do, because we should be able to do that ourselves. Its your decision to do what you want with your life not anyone else's, now I'm not telling you what do to with your life I'm letting you know what I have learnt to become this independent, strong women who can stand on her own. My goal in life isn't to be a doctor, or to impress others, and be something I'm not because my goal to be myself and live comfortably and to be happy. Hope this helps, anyone really. Love you all and I'm out :)

Cries as soon as wakes up

This morning i witnessed the most painful thing i have ever witnessed in my life! My mother crying, my parents fight like any other married couple but this one made my mother cry. My Dad is known to come from a very prestine family, very well known and my father is the oldest. My mother does everything for my father, she takes care of him alot and well to his family, well im not actually sure what they think of my mum. But she always takes care of him! And well he always ends up disrespecting her in front of his family. Well my mum started crying and telling me the story of yesterday. When my aunties and uncles come over to eat lunch with my Grandma who come to ours. Well my mum is about to sit down when my dad yells, Why didnt you bring me a spoon, are you stupid. Now thats what my Dad says to everyone 'are you stupid' but he said this in front of his family. And basically embarrassed my mum, my mother has tried so hard to fit in and get along with my Dads family. She basically does everything for them when they ask but my dad doesnt see it and he always disrespects her in front of her family.

And when my mother started to cry well i started to cry. This was like the time i told my mum i know i was a mistake in the middle of a heated battle and we just started to cry. I feel so bad for my mum but she knows and loves my dad and he is getting old and he has really bad eye sight and all these things, so she takes care of him. But for once i would like him to love and respect my mother a bit! I still love him but i am really angry with him right now! And tonight is my dads sides family dinner party. And i am worried about my mum! I really just want to protect her but im not sure how :(