Why do i try…

Today i realised why do i try? Why is it i try so hard to fit in? Why is it that i try and make an effort to get up and make plans with people? Why is it that i try and get boys attention when i know they dont care? Why do i care and try so hard for peoples attention, friendship, love and just fit in somewhere? My to all these questions is i should just stop and not care about anything!

Right now i am lost and tired! I dont want to think to much and care so much anymore! I just wanna have fun, laugh and enjoy life! All i did today was go beach and relax woth an old friend, and even though i told her all my problems and issues she didnt bring them up! Which made me feel good about myself and gave me time to think, all i really need to do is relax! I realised i am always so tensed up and worried about what others think of me and how i should look and act. But i need to relax more and keep calm, i just want to feel good about myself!

When school starts again i am just gonna relax and keep my cool. Go with the flow and concentrate on school :) not on what others think of me! But since its holidays i am just gonna sleep and enjoy whats coming next :) I feel excited to whats coming next, I am not gonna keep going out and making plans for the holidays but if i do its just to go beach to relax. I overthink and complicate my own life but really i should just keep calm and go with the flow, like when i am jumping and diving over and under waves at the beach :)

The thing i am looking forward to next is abit of shut eye which i am about to get :)

...

life is so confusing, one minute happiest person on the Earth, next minute sad, depressed or just confused. This line is accurate to how i have been feeling lately. When i go out and have fun i am happy, but when i come home and think back on my day i aint so happy, i wouldnt say depressed or sad, i would just say lost.

Lately i feel very lost as to who i am and what to make of myself. Right now and probably tomorrow i will feel the same. But tomorrow i am going out with an old friend whom i can always rely on, Han and she was always there to listen and talk to and gave me good advice. The reason i am so excited to see her is that she moved schools and havent spoken to her much but now i get to tomorrow which makes me so excited and happy.

Tomorrow i am going to talk to her about everything! Even the boy, because the only person who knows about this guy is Jiji. I know i can trust Han, i always have, she is also like Jiji but a much more older and mature friend. With Jiji she is like my sister around my age but Han is like my older friend whom i get advice and good talk with. Not that Jiji doesnt give good advice but even though Jiji knows me, Han has known me longer.

Today i went out with my friend and we had lots of fun! We went to a fancy restaurant and then to the aquarium but i felt like something was missing from the whole day. The day seemed to go so fast and i seemed to be running behind. Right now i just wanna be happy and know my purpose, know why things are he way they are. Sometimes i feel like i need to change myself to fit the situation but i know thats not the real me. I feel so lost lately i seem to be doing that and i feel so icky. I feel like crying tonight but doing that would make me feel worse, so i just sit here playing on my phone, looking up at the ceiling falling into my thoughts or either to sleep. Wish i knew what i was meant to be and actually have fun and be happy.

My life is so confusing rn it sucks!! I just want to live but i cant seem to. I used to think this is how things would happen in high school; fall in love, boy actually likes me, smart, be good at sports, and just be plain popular. But high school is so different from how i would imagined and none of that has happened yet!

Hopefully tomorrow is good and fun!! :) just want a bit of restrospective!

Fun day

Today i hung out with my cousins and it was pretty great hanging with them since i hadnt really spoken to them in ages!! It has been so fun this holidays but i just wanna have a rest for a bit. I have been going out everyday lately and i am exhausted! I dont like being at home, alone and doing nothing but sometimes i would really like to rest.

The reason i am blogging is cause i like to blog and right now i am bored. Since this afternoon i have had a massive headache and its killing me! But i think its slowly going away cause i am slowly falling asleep. There is one thing which i am confused by and that is, if i keeping checking someones accounts and social media does that mean i like them or am i crazy?

I am not sure what i want and what i want to do right now but i think i am going sleep soon!! I have been watching the show awkward recently and it is such an awesome show!! Its a great show but its really cheesy and cute but i really dont need that rn!! I think i am about to fall asleep!! I have nothing really interesting to blog tonight and i am just gonna have a alittle sleep now :)

Beach day

Today went to the beach with a couple of friends. Had a pretty great time! The waves at the beach was awesome!! I had lots of fun and the best part was i didnt think to much and just had lots of fun! The highlight of my day was the beach and the awesome waves, the not highlight of the day was hearing Jiji being sad and pissed.

I had such a great time today cause i didnt think about the boy and i just had fun at the beach! What i know for a fact is that the beach is like my comfort zone! Since i have been overthinking so much the beach fixed that and i no longer had any thoughts in my mind! The only thing on my mind was i feel so fat in this bikini, and all my friends are sl skinny why am a couch potato around them -_- but other than that i had fun swimming and diving and talking and playing in the sand!!

The heartbreak of the day is hearing my best friend get so happy and excited about something and only to get shut down! Jiji and her bf have been going out for a while now but earlier this year they had fights, like big ones and hearing them would break my heart! One of the people i care about most in my life is Jiji and without her i wouldnt be around. So the natural thing is i want her to be happy and i tried so hard to help but i am not sure how! Even though her and her bf dont know it they are perfect for each other and fit together so well! I am not sure how to help them but i am just hoping they both get on the same page and stay together longer.

Tbh i never thought her and her bf would break up before the end of the year. But looking at them now and hearing and witnessing there talks and stuff, they belong together and just need to get along with each other differences. Its true he needs to trust more though. But watching them i dont think they should break up cause they are obviously crazy about each other and cute when together! I know they both have doubts about there relationship but they need each other!! Of course this is just my oppinion!

So the hightlight again was the beach and day at the beach, weather and etc. The bummer of the day was hearing my best friend got all sad!

Quotes

Today's post is about a few quotes i have come by which have really told my story for myself.

The first image in the corner is about how i feel alot lately. Even though how i feel is terrible i smile and basically decieve everyone and put on a show for everyone but really i am pretty messed up inside.

Second image describes Jiji my bestie. Feel stupid saying bestie, cause i sound so childish. Well moving back to the quote, well she knows everything about me and i know everything about her! Like everything!! We are so comfortable with each other not afraid to say i farted or fart in front of each other, which is creepy haha. But in other words she is basically like my sister and i love her! If she wasnt here i would probably have reaorted to cutting or gone crazy! She is the one and only girl whom really really gets me!! LOVE YOU JIJI!! :)

The middle photo is basically how i feel/felt (still trying to decide) about the guy. He makes me smile just because he smiled. But the thing is he has no idea and he probably doesnt even notice me or know that i am there! I honestly really wish for something to happen between us, for him to change, for him tl notice me and for him to actually like me. Honestly i sound desperate and that i like him but right now i dont care and i am slowly moving on but when i see him this is how i feel and how he makes me feel but for now its nothing.

The bottom left photo describes my personality. When i fall for someone i fall hard but i spend alot of time deciding if i should or not or if i even have a chance but that way i overthink! I care about others way too much, i feel i need to help them or talk to them and make them feel better! But in doing so i trust easy and get hurt so easily!

Last photo, right hand bottom photo. This image is the one i am contiplating over. Because its about him! And i find it hard to believe this logic but am hoping its true! Because i am hoping in the future he changes and matures, enough for him to be in a relationship with me. I wish for this to happen soon but some miracles dont happen overnight!  Jiji says it might happen cause we never actually know whats a head of us.

All these quotes are from twitter and i have been tweeting lately :) it helps me get out my small bursts of anger. But these quotes each have a great sense of my head, who i am, and my heart.

Who am i?

I said i was over him and i dont care but hearing the news of him not coming made me shake?! I dont know why i did and why i sat there staring at the message. This was my sign that i can move on and that its right to do so. I really am hoping coming back to school and seeing him i wont fall for him or anything! I was in way over my head! But i still have this part of me which wishes for him to come, for him to speak to me, to rock up at my place and ask to go to the park, anything even see him but that just makes me a desperate person!

Everyone thinks of me so cheerful and happy but underneath the smile i am crying out for someone who can be there and listen and hold me and tell me all the things i want to hear. I know i have issues of feeling alone and being sad, thats why i follow and listen and am always there for people. I just want to stop feeling alone, sitting in my room listening to music annoying my friends with my texts, running around the house trying to get my parents attention, trying to make plans with people. I hold onto every shred of hope i have when i speak to him cause then i wont have to face the truth, then i wont have to break down crying!

The thing which i should probably be doing more of is crying cause it always fixed everything and helped me feel better but now all i do is hide behind my smile, hide from everyone even myself. I am so lost my words make no sense, i just switch off and lie down and sleep instead of facing all my thoughts cause im so scared they will consume me. I have great, fantastic, awesome best friends and friends but telling them everything feels like im just burdening them with my problems, pushing them away from me and in the end them looking at me like i am some kind of strange mentally diranged creature. So i smile and laugh and tell jokes, that way everyone is happy even me cause i play along and believe myself.

To be honest i probably seem like the most mental person ever right now but i know for sure that i am lost and confused. I am not sure what i want and what i need to do or want to do i just do what i am best at and that is following and trying to fit in. I do it my whole life and i change myself to fit the situation but i want to know how i Really am!

Update

Well its been 2 days since i last blogged and my last blog was about the boy and this one will kinda involve that but other stuff to.

So yes i did say i would move on and yes i am doing that and doing it pretty well atm. Well actually doing it pretty well as in ignoring it pretty well. Even though i still think about him and i have that slight hope i might run into him, i am moving on slowly. The thing is even though i know i am moving on from him i still want to talk about him or tell someone how i feel about this whole thing.

I know i have Jiji but lately i cant seem to bring myself to speak to her cause i feel like she needs her space after all i spent a whole week with her. She is probably sick of me but i miss her alot i have just been sitting at home in bed most days. I dont really have anyone to talk to, like i know i have Jiji but i dont want to feel like a burden towards her. This boy thing has my head in a knot and i just need it all out now! I know i am the type of girl to like a guy for a while and be obsessed with him for a bit but i dont want him to be that anymore! Usually i get over a guy cause they find out or i basically confess to them but with him, Jiji and i only know! I dont want to tell him cause me liking him would be an embarrassment.

He would never go for a girl like me and i just keep making situations up in my head of if he did. I keep thinkin maybe he does like me but the truth is he probably has never thought of me that way! Right now i need someone to talk to but i cant talk to Jiji cause i am afraid i will drive he away like my other bestie. And i cant tell anyone else cause its way to embarrassing! I am going out with a couple of my girlfriends on wednesday and i am scared we wont have anything to talk about so i will tell them.

I know one thing though! I have this other girlfriend whom i used to always speak to and still speak to but she moved schools so we dont speak much now. But i whenever we meet up we always have things to talk about and she always understands and gives good advice like Jiji. But probably since Jiji is sick of me i am only going to tell that one other person. I know i need to get over him but he is really stuck in my mind this time, like i used to have little crushes on him and stuff but now its like he is stuck! Sometimes well most times i just wish someone else who is better for me will come around and sweep me off my feet but that only happens in movies and tv shows. But i would rather have something or someone else to think about other than him!

Right now my holidays are ok and my real holidays start on wednesday! But tomorrow is my Mummy and daughter day and i am looking forward to it :) Yay shopping, coffee and lunch with Mummy! Hopefully by the end of this week i will be completely over him :) (i just cant see him again or my feelings will be back!)

Conclusion

Well i have come to a conclusion on this boy issue and i have decide i am gonna try forget him cause im on holidays and not gonna bother with him!

I wont see him for 2 weeks which should give me enough time to forget! I cant stop my life, feel sorry for myself and keep caring about someone who probably doesnt even care about me one bit! I am probably going to be blogging alot and hopefully it will be about my other issues and not him LOL

The real challenge will be if i ever see him this holidays cause when i see him i change my mind and i like him again. But hopefully things will change and hopefully i wont see him! I really dont want to see him, even though probably deep inside i do, i dont!

Thats my conclusion, cause i have to keep focused on myself and have fun before i have to try for my HSC! This holiday i cant waste my time deciding if i like this guy or if i should try for him cause he isnt even worth it! There was never anything between us, it was just me imagining things and wanting it to be true!!

So this post is gonna be about a specific someone! Based on the boy who i have been getting headaches over.

So last night was my social night and i had so much fun! I got to dance and prance and go crazy :) but i also had fun cause i spoke to the guy whom i have a crush on, i think and talking to him was like old times and it was sweet and nice! This was after social ended and we were going home (we as in me and my friend Jiji) on the train ride he was normal but everyone was discussing that they knew where people lived. And the only girls were me and Jiji, we were just listening to them talk and my friend Jiji was like to him, i know where you live cause i showed her LOL (not a stalker! We live in the same neighbourhood) He looked at her and "no you dont" but she did so she argued back :)

And then he turned to me and said i know where Chichi lives and i smiled slightly. Then all the boys were teasing me, as per usual and said i lived in the forest, in a tree house (cause im tall and my nickname is tree LOL) But then he said "Why do you guys call her tree she isnt even that tall, Im taller" and hearing him say that made me smile, but he did this looking at his phone the whole time. Then the guys said, stand up then and prove it and he stood up and we compared height. Turns out he is taller than me which made me smile :) he grew taller than me! The rest of the night the guys left one by one and it was me Jiji and couple of other guys whom i hang with and we are good friends with cause they live in my neighbourhood. We talked and laughed and me and him talked like old times which was nice!

But my friend explained something to me the night before that she thought me and him were gonna date before but we didnt. At that stage i liked another guy and didnt really realise what i was doing.  I used to walk with him after school cause he walked alone and i guess it seemed like we were flirting but i wasnt! Back then i didnt realise but i still had a weird feeling about him :/ One time we were walking and talking and i stole his hat and he was trying to get it back and i guess it looked cute from my friends perspective LOL

But right now i keep overthinking situations and thinking about him more and more and i really dont eant to! I dont want to fall to hard for him cause i know of the things he does. But i cant help thinking of what he is doing and wanting to see him :( I really dont want to feel this way about him but I dont know what to do! He makes me wanna cry about my feelings! Its so stupid that i act this way! I want to know how he thinks of me and if he has ever had feelings for me but i cant cause i have been hurt too much in the past and its always me who tries and gets hurt! The only person who knows about my little crush or like or watever is Jiji! And having a crush on him seems to be turning in a like a very big like :(

Reading all this over again, i sound crazy and way too desperate but i cant help it all around me is couples and i want what they have so badly! I have never had a boyfriend and never had my first kiss, even though i am only 16 i feel alone and afraid! I just want someone who will listen to me, understand me and help me through my way in life! I want him to cuddle me when i am down, kiss me and tell me i will be great and huge from behind and say sweet things to me :( I feel so stupid writing this but this will help me and i said i would be honest on this blog and i am!

POST EXAMS AND CAMP :)

Hi to everyone :) sorry that i havent been blogging lately cause i had exams and had stuff going on, but im back now! I finished exams *YAY* and now im at camp.

My best friend slept over my place her name is Jiji and we had an awesome time and she gonna be at mine for thw whole week but we are on camp now. Camp has been ok so far, only reason its ok, is because its raining like crazy and its cold :( but im still enjoying it.

But the guy whom i kinda have a crush on but is trying to not have a crush on, was there today and was hanging around me or maybe its my imagination?! I bet its my imagination but my friend kinda noticed it too so i dunno -_- but im gonna enjoy camp and not think about it too much even though he looks so good all the time LOL

But in all my exams went ok … i think and having fun now at camp and when i get back home next day is my social which is going to be awesome i hope!! *Fingers crossed* And hopefully i look beautiful *not likely* but thats pretty much it for now :)

Tomorrow is my last exam, feeling so relieved!! Knowing that i studiedthe night before for most of my exams still reckon i did ok :) Even though i know this is the wrong way to study i feel ok, next year is my last year so i will study hard out then! But for now i just want some freedom and to be able to live a little.

My body has become physically and mentally drained and i still have a big weekend and week a head of me, i hope i survive it! Im hoping i do good in my last exam, and ill just be relieved when its over.

I cant wait till the start of the next week because my best friend will be sleeping at mine and i have camp then my social night and then school fun day :) i feel really distant lately though, my best friend i feel distant towards, which makes me feel worse.

Im going to sleep, night to everyone, im sorry to cut it short but im really drained ツ

Update

Today i am gonna update you on my first exam which was today. It was my english exam, which i know i did bad in but i am just happy its over and done with :) Tomorrows exam is maths, the worst subject ever but i would say i hate biology more than math right now. I have come to a decision that i will be dropping biology next year, definitely dropping it!

My main distraction in my english exam today was that someone, some guy which i had forgotten about over the weekend sat next to me in the exam. He could have picked any other seats but he chose the one next to me. He came in last and he was supposed to sit in the back right hand side but he sat next to me in the middle. I have to say yes it was a distraction because i was wondering if he was doing ok and if he studying. I worried about him every so offtent in the exam which is stupid! And even worse was the guy i used to like sat next to me as well.

I thought i could make conversation with him after the exam, ask him how he went and stuff but he just gave me a thumbs up, "like the bad boy he is" (stupid cliche). To me these exams dont really matter, they do matter in a certain way but dont in another way. I want to pass all my exams but i dont want to try either, this is the last exam before my big last year and i want to relax but right now its hard to do that. The future is so close now and im freaking out of how ill come out.

I dont usually tell my family when my exams are cause i dont like them to pressure me or encourage me too much. Words like "i know you can fo well" just adds pressure to my shoulders cause im not very confident in myself. I told my sister when she got home from work so she wouldnt have to drive me that i had an exam and she judged me that i was taking time off and watching a bit of tv instead of studying. To me my parents dont bother me too much but my sister is the one who judges me and pressures me the most. Just because in her day she was a nerd and never had fun while i wanna have fun, relax and enjoy life. I wished she could understand how i feel and i could talk to her and she would give me advice which could actually help me! I love all my sisters but it would be great to have one i could actually talk to and not talk to me as if i were a child.

Biggest wish: Understanding and caring sisters who didnt treat me like a kid but as an equal.

Confidence lows

Well tomorrow is my first exam and its english. Let me tell you i have no confidence whatsoever i am completely freaking out!

I had my pre exam cry but now i feel like crying again! At these times i would really like to talk to someone so they can give me a confidence boost but right now im alone so i cry instead. My life sounds so sad the way i carry on about it, but its just me freaking out. I am so scared and nervous and have no confidence that i will do well in this exam but i am gonna try… i guess.

I dont have much to update on me but my exam jitters and my low self-esteem but i promise by the weekend ill be back to my usual posts not these depressing exam posts :)

Today, i tried my best to study for my exams but it was a huge challenge and i didnt actually study properly. I am concerned of my future but i keep ignoring it, putting it off cause im scared of who ill be and who ill disappoint.

Enough about my issues with the future. I woke up with these weird red spots on my face and i thought i was having a freak break out but later on my sister explained to me it looked more like a rash and after a while i realised i had a itchy face all day. My face is still blotchy and im hoping tomorrow it will be better and i can study lots tomorrow... not likely but might as well try :)

I watched two romantic movies today, my all time favourite "A Walk To Remember" everytime i watch it i cry and this time same thing. This movie shows me i should appreciate what i have and go out and have fun while i can! And the other fave movie of mine is "The Vow" watching this is the same as A Walk to Remember makes me think of all i have and how i should enjoy it all while i can cause we never know whats around the corner.

I may be young but if something were to happen to me next year, month, week or even tomorrow how will i know i enjoyed my life enough and made the most of it. Right now Im young and have people who care for me and protect me but if i want to live my life they need to know that we dont know whats around the corner and trust me. I am so afraid of the future or whats coming next cause i dont know. They say take a leap of faith and enjoy life but i cant very well do that if im stuck studying. I dont want my last memory being, my stressed head trying to remember all i studied.

I know my real issue and thats i dont want to face the future, i want to go back to those days where all i had to worry about was if mum gave me enough money for an ice-cream for lunch. I know the future is something i shouldnt be scared of but its my worse nightmare! Not knowing whats coming, whats waiting for me. Im not sure if ill be able to cope with leaving school and the protection of school and home. But i want to leave to be spontaneous and experience things and learn new things but im scared.

I wish i could speak to my sisters about this or someone cause right now i would say i need that. If I were to speak to my sisters they would just think of thing logically, plus it would feel like in speaking to a stranger about it. Not sure what to do with life anymore, i want to enjoy the now but i cant with the future all around me.

Second Post

Hello again, todays my second post and as you can probably see i still dont know how to really start it. Well to start off, today I woke up thinking i would have a good day but things kept changing.

First bad thing today would be my best friend telling me she cant go camp which probably seems stupid cause its just camp. But without her there im not sure i would survive, i am socially awkward and i dont have many "good/close" friends. Next problem would be the boy, the problem is i have half of my classes with him and he is always mentioned in class, or makes himself mentioned. So i would say he is a distraction for me i guess, which is stupid and crazy!

Next good thing that happened would be lunch, instead of hanging with my usual friends who were studying in the library, i was out with some other friends enjoying the sun, walking around and talking. This was definitely fun and talking to all different people and socialising a bit, and i went back to see my usual friends before the bell for a little chat, which was good.

Next bad thing that happened or good im still not quite sure of. English, first thing wrong was the boy again; rosie cheeks, sweaty and goes out of the room to take singlet off and wear shirt (distraction!) his blue eyes shimmering, smiling and i never seem to forget his laugh. He is such a distraction and the thing is, i dont like him but i keep noticing this little things, its terrible!

I know why i notice him though but that can come later. English was also bad because we were startinf off our essay writing and i showed people to check my work but they always gave me feed back as to what i should change and not in so many words how general/standard and dumb it sounded. I already felt dumb when i had to show my teacher who basically said it was really bad! I felt so hurt hearing all these comments making my self-esteem really low.

Next period i had biology and lucky in that class my friends were making me laugh which made me feel heaps better. Next would be getting home, thinking about only all the bad things that happened i did nothing and just lay on my bed thinking. I decided that tonight i needed a me night or a break night before i had to study full-throttle.

I kept thinking of my teachers comments and why i am so dumb bringing my self-esteem to a new level of low. Thinking of the boy and how i can never have a chance with him and why he would even consider me. I know the reason i think about him though, i want a relationship or to know some boy has feelings for me. It may sound sad but when your single and most of the people you know have boyfriends and are happy makes me think why cant i be happy?!

To finish off my break night i watched the movie "One Day" and its a really good romance movie! This movie is so sad and happy, it makes me think of what i want, and thats someone to cuddle with at night, someone to tell me all the good things about myself and make me feel flattered cause i know they love me, i want a boyfriend in general, having someone to talk to and actually listening to me. But i have always wanted that couple experience cause i know you can learn a lot from having experienced having a boy friend.

The thing i would really like to experience is cuddles. I dont care about fighting with your boyfriend cause it comes with the guy. I want all the little cute things and the bad things. I want to have my first kiss with that one perfect guy but ive been told is very rare to happen. So maybe ill get my first kiss at 30, magbe.

Today was a hectic day with so mucb going on but at the end of the night i had a great break night!! And plenty of time to recharge and think :)

Hello… as people can see this is my first post on my blog. To tell you why i created a blog would proabably be the fact i need somewhere to spill out my inner thoughts, you could say. But i also made this blog to let people see my insight on life and how i see things. 

To tell you more about myself, im only 16 and i still attend school, so even though i may be young it gives you an insight on a teenage girls life. Im not too sure if I'm the average teenage girl but I am hoping i am. Now at the moment my life is a bit hectic, i am getting ready for my last year of high school and I am so scared and i freak out a lot! But like any other teenager I have other problems like I have three older sisters, I would say i have terrible social skills and the big one… BOYS haha 

My biggest issue at the moment would be the exams coming up, I have this issue of procastinating and i do it a lot!! I try my best to study but i have this weird feeling i will fail! But many of the people in the year above me tell me to chill out cause this year is such a bludge and we should relax while we can! This advice left me at a cross roads, I feel like i wanna chill out but my friends study all the time and all we talk about is school.

Right now I am very socially awkward and talking to my friends is hard! But i have that one girlfriend who i can speak to and I love her to bits for that but I have so much going on in my head that i dont want to bombard her life with cause she has her problems too. Even though she is like my best friend we dont hang out with each other all the time we actually hang out with each other out of school cause we both have seperate groups of friends and thats ok cause then we always have stuff to talk about. I used to have another bestie but she and I but we drifted apart, it seriously makes me sad, i dont even know how it happened. But with that bestie i talked to her everyday hung out with her and told her everything about my day and all my problems so i kinda understand why we arent besties anymore haha 

One of my other problems is my sisters, I have three older sisters who are in their thirties and two are married and the oldest single. My two sisters who are married, one has two twin girls and a beautiful 4 week baby boy, my other sister has one cheeky daughter who is two and is expecting one on the way. As you can see i have a very large family and i love them but having older sisters can be a burden cause i feel like they expect a lot out of me. Having older sisters can be a plus but most of the time i feel outcasted. Since my generation and theres are so far fron each other i dont have much in common with them. I would really like to have older sisters which i could speak to about my life and whats happening but instead i listen to them talk cause I am afraid they wont listen or approve. They all have such wonderful lives no matter what they say and i want that future too but with them in it i still feel pressured to do really good and aspire to do things they couldnt. I feel the pressure of fullfilling their dreams and even though they dont say that my mind simple goes to that. They want me to have a bright fun future but i cant do that if i have nothing figured out and the confusion of what i want. Most of these days i wish i had a sister i could speak with or a close brother, even though i do have older sisters i feel like an outcast and that they are more like my mums. I love my family they are the most important thing in my life, that and friends but I'm not sure of what i want, need and want to do with my life, so when they ask me these questions, i always say 'i dont know' when really i should know. I feel like i am letting everyone down in my life.

Between school, friends, and family i have this issue of boys, I have been to talking to my girfriend and telling her about this one boy i think i may be crushing on but I'm not too sure on my feelings cause he is kinda a bad boy. My friend says we have always had a connection and i can feel that too but I have this feeling he has never had feelings for me. My friends advice was to crush on him but dont fall for him hard cause if i do i will just end up getting hurt which i already know but everyday i have this weird feeling he is staring at me but its probably my imagination. I know I havent fallen for him but whenever i think i have stopped crushing on him he talks to me and im back to the start again. I have known him since the start of high school and he has changed in many ways but so have I. But i can still see his old self still inside him but i have the feeling it wont come out anytime soon. My relationship with him is the teasing type and my friends says she watches us and we have this weird tension when we tease each other and i dont know if i believe her or not. My conclusion today was 'nah never gonna happen so might as well get over it' but in the afternoon there were too many things that gave me second thoughts. His friends talking to me when he was there which i never talk to his friends, him coming in the same carraige as me which again never happens, him trying to tease me (or speak to me) in the carraige and in class but always ending in me ignoring him or moving away from his eye contact or the fact that usually he gets off and walks fast home but was walking is sync with me and my friend, trying to speak to me but i was interested in other things at the time. I have no idea what to think but this is all a typical teenage girls mind which could be playing tricks on herbut i know i could be overthinking it probably am but i created this blog so i could blog my feelings out and i have.

Well this is a typical insight into my life and plenty more surely to come :)