Understandings

Today I just realized why I hate being here and in this family. Because I am the youngest I get all the bad shit, all the fucking shit I have to deal with like fuck. Today was my nieces 3rd Birthday and I was fine in the morning but what I hate the most is dealing with everyone's issues like when my sisters are pissed they take out all their shit on me like do I have to put up with all your fucking shit do I not have my own fucking problems like fuck. And when they tell me what to do, like everything and then when I act pissed they say your the youngest, this is what you should expect. Like fuck I didn't ducking choose to be the youngest to be born into this fucking family, I honestly don't care about what people say, yeah I may look like I have the perfect family and I am fine with everything but no I'm fucking not. Everyone doesn't know about the behind the scenes roll, honestly at one stag in my life I was at the point where I was so depressed I was cutting myself and actually nearly killed myself. Everyone would ask me anything wrong but I would always say I'm fine because I don't want to burden their lives but finally I got out of that funk. What I hate the most is how people treat me, all my cousins and sisters and everyone in my family. Like honestly they tease me which I don't mind at all but when its all they can say to me and say to others about me like fuck off, Like I have moved away from that, ever since primary school that's the shit I had to deal with because I was a follower not a "main" person or "popular girl". Like fuck I don't bother people with this because I don't want to face it, all those times people would tease me till I end up crying in the toilets. I hate the feeling of being left out because that's how it was in the past but now it just seems normal now and I don't bother to get my hopes up about fitting in. Right now I want to cry because everything that happened today just reminded me of the past and it hurts. I act like a badass, like I don't care but really it actually really gets to me. I don't want to deal with any of your shit now, right now I am kinda in the same state of mind when I used to cut myself but I wont because that's just stupid. But I am going to be cold now to everyone, or well just turn my emotions.. off.