Emotions

Wow im feeling so damn emotional right now!! Everyone keeps saying Cheanda its ok, your ok! Your not alone, you can talk to me, your not a burden etc etc. Well people dont understand me!! I have been keeping most of my emotions in, But right now they are all coming out!! All at once i feel my loneliness, i can feel myself pulling away from everyone!

do i belong? I dunno! Most likely not because of myself and my mind i pull myself away from everyone! Im so desperate to not feel alone that i bet if a guy did try to hit on i bet i would flirt back and i dunno from there! But i do care and i just cant anymore!! All i can remember right now is that i lost one of my best friends, taiesha, i saw her at the party she was drunk as hell and her boyfriend was there for her the whole time!! Thats what i want, not crying in my room by myself! All i see is me alone, Jessica talks about her and her brother and david and even though some are suckie situations its what i still want!

All i do is think about me, it pisses me off!! I want to switch off my brain and Kill something!! I wanna drink till im dead anything to make all this stop!! I push everyone away from me and its all my fault!! These past few weeks i keep thinking im fine, im not alone, concentrating on Nikola but i know what i want is someone here with me! Someone to laugh and talk with! All i know right now is when i close my bedroom door all i hear is silence.

Jessica told me to keep my innocence and just wait for that one person. But what if that person comes around and i have already gone mad and push/scare them away! Ever since i was little i dreamed of my perfect life. Most people dream about going uni, being a vet but me it was always boys! I always dreamed about the perfect kiss, the hugs, just everything!! UGHHHH WHYYYYYY AM I LIKE THISSSSS!!!! FUCKKK

Right now i dont know what to do! I just wanna lie in bed under my covers cry and bash everything around and scream!! Cause thats how i feel right now!!! I wanna get a knife and stick it into my heart and cut it out and smash it with a sledge hammer, i wanna bash my head in and just stop thinking!!!!!!

I WANT IT TO ALL STOPPPPPP!!! ALL I DO IS OVERTHINK AND JUST FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF!! WHYYYYY!! No wonder im a mistakeee!!!!