Who am i?

I said i was over him and i dont care but hearing the news of him not coming made me shake?! I dont know why i did and why i sat there staring at the message. This was my sign that i can move on and that its right to do so. I really am hoping coming back to school and seeing him i wont fall for him or anything! I was in way over my head! But i still have this part of me which wishes for him to come, for him to speak to me, to rock up at my place and ask to go to the park, anything even see him but that just makes me a desperate person!

Everyone thinks of me so cheerful and happy but underneath the smile i am crying out for someone who can be there and listen and hold me and tell me all the things i want to hear. I know i have issues of feeling alone and being sad, thats why i follow and listen and am always there for people. I just want to stop feeling alone, sitting in my room listening to music annoying my friends with my texts, running around the house trying to get my parents attention, trying to make plans with people. I hold onto every shred of hope i have when i speak to him cause then i wont have to face the truth, then i wont have to break down crying!

The thing which i should probably be doing more of is crying cause it always fixed everything and helped me feel better but now all i do is hide behind my smile, hide from everyone even myself. I am so lost my words make no sense, i just switch off and lie down and sleep instead of facing all my thoughts cause im so scared they will consume me. I have great, fantastic, awesome best friends and friends but telling them everything feels like im just burdening them with my problems, pushing them away from me and in the end them looking at me like i am some kind of strange mentally diranged creature. So i smile and laugh and tell jokes, that way everyone is happy even me cause i play along and believe myself.

To be honest i probably seem like the most mental person ever right now but i know for sure that i am lost and confused. I am not sure what i want and what i need to do or want to do i just do what i am best at and that is following and trying to fit in. I do it my whole life and i change myself to fit the situation but i want to know how i Really am!