Life, right now?

My life at the moment is muddled. Its more of my thoughts which are muddled. At this moment i am not sure what i am here for and what i am living for. I dont want to sound arrogant or high class but i get spoon fed a lot of things in my life. Right now i kinda want some guidance to what i should do, just a little push in the right direction not a tour through life. I have been kinda distant these days, kinda away from the world and life.

I dont really text and talk to Jiji much anymore, and when people talj to me nowadays i dont really pay attention. I am always lost in thought and blocking everything out, i feel distant from everyone else. Last few posts i talked about school and how i kinda have inspiration and motivation yo try again at school but really i am still lost. Everyone i know has a goal set for their future but for me i just wanna have fun, not grow up and live a little. But i am sick of the way i am living right now, i just want to be like everyone else and know what i want out of life. Right now being here doesnt sound like a good idea, especially if i dont serve a purpose.

I know i am a mistake, a surprise to the family, an accident. It makes me embarrassed and sad cause i have no one and feel left out. If i was really meant to be here, i want to know why already. I need a purpose, a reason for me to try and for me to live and be here. I am so distant from anyone and scared of the future that i dont know what to do with myself half the time. I have school in like 2 days and i havent even bought books and stuff for school.

I know the reason as to why i fixate on the guy whom i have a crush on or what ever. Its because i am hoping that at any moment he sweeps me off my feet and surprises me and guides me through life, for him to change for me and show me thats what i can do to a person. He flirts with me, he smiles at me and he shows me the side i used to know, why cant i think he cares and can change for me and show me who he really is? No, Because this is a childs dream and i was no longer a child anymore...